


Maybe I Waited Too Long - A Marauders Medical AU

by YouBlitheringIdiot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Marauders Medical AU, Minor Character Deaths, Snape is a pervert, Wolfstar AU, cursing, fenrir is a psychopath, jily, jily au, jily fic - Freeform, referenced violent relationship, wolfstar, wolfstar fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-04-25 11:24:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouBlitheringIdiot/pseuds/YouBlitheringIdiot
Summary: Dr. James Potter and Dr. Sirius Black had gotten their lives and careers back on track after the nightmare that followed the collapse of Slytherin Pharmaceuticals, and moved abroad to work in Dublin to get away from painful memories. But they find themselves confronted by their past, their lost loves and arch enemies.





	1. Maybe I Came On Too Strong

**Author's Note:**

> I hold starstruck4Moony personally responsible for this... that's all I'm saying!

Maybe I came on Too Strong

 

“Hang on a sec, Prongs, I need a smoke,” Sirius called after James, stopping to unzip the pocket of his leather jacket.

“I thought you quit a month ago, you bastard?” James shook his head in disbelief.

“Nah, only during working hours, and under normal conditions, but in case of emergency, I’m allowed a smoke,” Sirius smirked mildly, cupping his hand over the lighter and inhaling sharply. “And starting a new job counts as an emergency, Prongs, it’s on your damned list of stressful life events, is it not?”

“Bastard!” repeated James, looked at the cigarette longingly, then shoved his hands into his pockets, leaning against the railing, his back against the cold wind. He had given up smoking years ago, but he still occasionally had a strong urge to have one.

“D’you know, I don’t know a single respiratory physician or neurologist who smokes,” James commented after a pause.

Sirius shrugged.

“I get it, I mostly see the dramatic effects of smoking in the ED, the cardiac arrests, all that stuff. That’s not going to put me off. They get to deal with the chronically shit problems it causes, way more sobering,” he said, exhaling contentedly and smiling at James. “Trying to save me again, Dr. Potter? Your White Knight Syndrome when it comes to me is inexhaustible, you know that?”

He had a teasing look in his clear, grey eyes. His dark hair was tied back in a high man bun, which highlighted his stunningly good-looking face – his defined cheekbones, his arched brows, the distinctive nose.

James shook his head again, grinning good humouredly.

“Fuck off, you prat!” he said, poking Sirius’ leg with his foot.

“You know I wouldn’t be here but for you, Prongs, don’t you?” Sirius’ tone had changed marginally, staring straight ahead and sighing deeply.

James looked surprised, he hadn’t expected the conversation to take such a turn that morning. But the tense line of Sirius’ jaw told him he was correct.

“You know, you’re a massive pain in the arse Pads?” James said, taking his hands out of his pockets and turning to lean forwards onto the iron railing. “You were there for me just as much…”

“Yeah,” Sirius said. “I was such a great help alright, what with my family causing the collapse of Slytherin Pharmaceuticals, as well as your parents’ untimely death, and the whole damned disaster eating up most of your inheritance. Great help… oh yeah, and then to top it all off, my shitty coping strategies landing me in rehab and resulting in us both having to take another year out of med school… I mean, I call that stunningly helpful, Prongs, don’t you?”

“Fuck off, Pads. If it wasn’t for you, a dangerous drug with no benefits would have been unwittingly released into the market, and thousands of people worldwide would have been badly affected. If it wasn’t for you, the people who took part in the Salazar Trial would have been damaged for life!”

James’ eyes were blazing. When it came to standing up for his best friend, his adopted brother, he couldn’t stop himself.

“It was Reg who saved them, not me!” said Sirius bitterly. “Reg who was brave enough to risk telling me what was going on, blowing the whistle on that damned house of lies, and what did I do? I didn’t even manage to save him, Prongs. I failed him!”

James’ face had turned a grey colour. 

“You don’t know…”

“It’s been years Prongs, years. He’s dead, I know it. I can feel it.”

They were both silent then, staring straight ahead, lost in old memories.

“They were proud of you, you know that?” James said finally.

Sirius’ head fell, he looked over at James briefly.

“I know,” he said, letting out a long sigh. “They meant everything to me, James. Them, and you.”

“We were lucky to have them, we couldn’t have asked for better parents.”

“No, we couldn’t.”

“We best get going,” said James, putting his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and squeezing it tightly, hoping to convey everything he wanted to say, but couldn’t articulate.

“Yeah, wouldn’t do to make a bad impression on our first day in St. Godric’s, let alone our first day working in Dublin, now would it?” said Sirius. His smile was a mixture of gratitude and grief.

He stood on the cigarette butt and straightened up.

“Then again, I don’t think it’s physically possible for Sirius Black to fail to impress,” he continued, winking at James. “There’s going to be a lot of people complaining about how hot it is today, the rates of pyrexia in this hospital are going to hit the roof!”

James snorted loudly.

“Oh good grief, Pads, you’re a disaster! Just so you know, if anyone asks me who the flirting dickhead with the man bun is, I’ve never met you in my entire life!” said James laughing. 

He was glad to see Sirius turn to humour, his favourite defence mechanism.

“Well I’ve no idea who  _you_  are, you’re way too nerdy to be hanging out with someone like me!” retorted Sirius haughtily, looking him up and down and shaking his head with disapproval. “That tie is hideous!”

 “Me, a nerd? I’ve no idea why I put up with you, you tosser!” said James, shoving him in the arm, as they crossed the road and entered the hospital foyer.

“Because I’m irresistible and you love me?” said Sirius batting his long eyelashes at James.

“Hey, James, Sirius! Great to see you at last!” a genuinely happy voice called out to them.

“Wormy!” they both exclaimed together.

 

………………..

 

“Haven’t seen you in bloody ages!” exclaimed James, pulling Peter into a crushing hug. “It's been over a year, you’ve been avoiding us! Swotting for those damned awful membership exams, eh?”

Peter squirmed with embarrassment.

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“Fucking swot!” said Sirius, swatting Peter’s arm, which was his way of showing affection. “You won’t be able to avoid us now that we’ll all be working in the same country, let alone the same hospital!”

Peter grinned at them both, his blue eyes shining with excitement.

“I can’t wait! Pity I’m stuck in my one bedroom flat till my lease runs out, I’m jealous of you two!”

“Come on, you were always jealous of me!” laughed Sirius teasingly.

Peter and James rolled their eyes in unison.

“Just like old times, eh?” said James, grinning at his two friends.

“I’ll drink to that!” replied Peter.

“After work so, a celebratory drink for the Marauders?” said Sirius looking decidedly pleased with himself.

“We’re in!” said James, clapping his hands on his friends’ shoulders.

“Come on, don’t want to be late, induction for all new medical staff starts in a few minutes, and we all need to sign in,” said Peter, leading the way down the corridor.

“I fucking hate inductions, they’re a complete waste of time! Load of bullshit, ugh!” groaned Sirius. “They’re probably going to insist I do a manual handling class or some such shite. Paperwork and inductions, the bane of my life!”

“It’ll be over in under 2 hours, relax Pads,” said Peter smiling.  ”As impatient as ever! You haven’t changed a bit, have you?”

“Nope!” said Sirius sighing dramatically, as they entered the darkened room, which was milling with other junior doctors.

Having signed in, they shuffled into seats half way up the auditorium, just as a senior physician stood up on the stage.

“Good morning, and welcome to St. Godric’s Hospital, my name is Professor Dumbledore, and I am the Executive Clinical Director of Medicine here.”

“He’s definitely eccentric!” whispered Sirius. “Look at the purple waistcoat, long beard and the hairdo!”

James ignored him.

“I bet he’s gay,” added Sirius.

“You think everyone’s gay,” James snorted.

“And so without further ado, I’ll hand you over to our next speaker,” continued Professor Dumbledore. “who will probably deliver a much more relevant talk than me. She has been working here for a few years now as Senior Registrar in gastroenterology, and next year will be moving to a prestigious research post in the United States, Dr Lily Evans!”

“Fuck!” gasped James, unaware of how loudly he had spoken.

A hush descended on the audience, as a few people giggled, and dozens of faces turned to stare at him. James gulped and cleared his throat, eyes locked with Dr. Evans’.

“Fuck!” Sirius said loudly. “Sorry! I forgot to cancel a date with my boyfriend, and he’s going to kill me, frightfully sorry for interrupting!”

Chuckling and some loud giggling ensued. A loud thud from the back of the room caused a few people to jump nervously.

“What the?” spluttered James weakly, regarding Sirius with confusion.

“Just helping you out, old boy!” said Sirius shrugging.

Dr Evans pursed her lips together and narrowed her eyes. She looked slightly agitated and her face was flushed. She and James continued staring at each other wordlessly until eventually she looked away, clearing her throat.

“Good morning, as Prof. Dumbledore said, I’m here to give you a short talk on how to get your research up and running while you are in a clinical post,” she started, her voice sounded low and wavered slightly.

“Lily bloody Evans!” James whispered to Sirius.

“I know, what are the chances, eh?” said Sirius, with a slight upturn to his lips.

“Shit!” he said, slumping down in the seat. “I can’t believe she’s working here. I haven’t seen her in years.”

“Hmm,” agreed Sirius, his eyes twinkling.

“She thinks I’m an arrogant git, she hates me,” James added.

“I know,” Sirius grinned.

“Ever since first year when we volunteered to be the models for the surface anatomy tutorials, she’s been convinced we’re vain, sad bastards.”

“Eh, Prongs, I was in your class in College, remember? I know exactly what Lily thought of you! Although, take it from me, we were fucking fit, and we literally had most of the class swooning over us,” Sirius was teasing him mercilessly.

“You see, when you say that, I can see precisely why she hated us!” said James, running a hand through his unruly hair.

“I seem to recall she had mellowed a bit towards you by fifth year?” Sirius continued, ignoring his friend’s interruption.

James groaned. It was true, they had been getting on so well, prior to the collapse of his world. They had become friends, had started hanging around together, it had been perfect, everything he ever wanted, well nearly. All her friends assuring him she was utterly smitten with him, which he couldn't believe. And they were due to meet up in town that day, for their first date, the day Reg had shown up with his earth-shattering news. He hadn’t called her immediately. He had stood her up. And when he did try, desperately tried, then no contact. None. Obviously, she hadn’t felt the same way at all. He had been devastated. Along with all the other devastating consequences of the fall of Slytherin. 

“I was a tosser, ok? I was mad about her for years, I’m sure I came on too strong, and she made it perfectly clear she had no interest in me whatsoever and…”

“And?”

“And nothing.”

Sirius raised his right eyebrow.

“God you’re annoying!” said James scowling at him.

“And?”

“And I don’t think I ever really got over her. Happy now?”

_And I don’t think I ever will…_

Sirius shrugged.

“I knew that already, I just wanted to hear you admit it.”

“Bastard!”

“Yeah,” smirked Sirius, twirling the pen in his hand absentmindedly.

James had turned around to look at the back of the auditorium and did a quick doubletake.

“Eh, Pads, you might want to prepare yourself,” he hissed, looking at Sirius anxiously.

“What?”

“The guy who dropped his satchel earlier on? At the back of the room? It’s … well, damn it, it’s Remus Lupin,” he said quietly, searching Sirius’ face carefully.

“Fucking hell!” Sirius practically yelled with astonishment.

Lily Evans stopped mid-sentence and stared down at them. The whole room was looking at them now.

“Fuck, yes, sorry, fucking hell!” James interjected, feeling himself flushing uncomfortably. “I just, it’s… it’s a cramp, in my leg, from… playing sports, I mean, rugby specifically… frightfully sorry.”

“If the two of you want to go outside to continue fucking, go ahead, otherwise I’d appreciate it if you kept quiet?” Dr. Evans said tartly, staring him in the eyes again.

She seemed to struggle to drop eye contact, her vivid green eyes mesmerising.

The room erupted into gleeful laughter.

“Sorry Dr. Evans, won’t happen again,” said James gruffly, wishing the ground could swallow him.

Once the commotion had died down, and lily had finished her talk, James turned to Sirius.

“Remus Lupin, eh?” he whispered.

“Not another word, Prongs. Not. A. Word.”

Sirius was looking decidedly jittery, his face a pale white, his jaw twitching.

“Dare I say it, Pads, I don’t think you ever really got over Lupin either?”

James’ voice was amused but kind. Sirius closed his eyes briefly. Remus Lupin, the boy he had desperately fancied for all of med school? The boy he had fantasised about for years, the only person he couldn't flirt with?  The boy he had fervently, magically kissed one night when they were both pissed, and who had unceremoniously refused to have anything to do with him afterwards? He turned to look at James.

“No. I never fucking got over him. Ever.”

_And I don’t think I ever will._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Maybe I waited too long...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to 8 years previously, to one particular night...  
> Warning for gay bashing/anti- LGBTQA+

**Chapter 2: Maybe I Waited too Long**

 

Sirius didn’t hear another word of the rest of the Induction. He was back in England, years younger, thinking back to a particular night...

 

**_Eight Years Earlier..._ **

 

“I love the Med Ball!” Marlene shouted at Sirius across the noisy function room.

All the tables and chairs had been pushed aside and the students were migrating to the dance floor. 

“Yeah, why so?” Sirius asked.  

He was drinking a Manhattan at the edges of the dance floor, waving his glass vaguely in the direction of the dancers.

“Scandal, Sirius, scandal, and lots of it!” said Marlene, laughing uproariously as she downed her gin and tonic. “Speaking of which, anything you want to tell me?”

Sirius snorted.

“No fucking way! You?”

“Well, I’ve got my eye on a certain Beauty but I’m not telling you!” she flashed back. “What about James and Lily? What are you betting they’re snogging by the end of the night?”

“Please, it would take a miracle to get any action out of those two, Mc Kinnon!” He said, rolling his eyes. 

“Point taken!” said Marlene sighing. “And you? Got your eye on anyone in particular?”

Sirius’ eyes darted furtively to where Remus Lupin stood talking to another classmate, Mary Mc Donald. He looked well in his tux, Sirius thought, the cut of the suit emphasizing his slim frame. He was tall, taller than most people there, and Sirius was once more drawn to his poignant smile and soulful green eyes. He had done nothing but stare at Remus since they had arrived. 

“No, nobody in particular,” he lied, looking into his glass and throwing back his head, finished the cocktail in one go.

“Holy shit, Sirius!” Marlene gasped. “You’re not looking for some Dutch courage to go and chat up Nicola Greengrass, are you?”

“I’m not even going to deign that with a reply!” Sirius said loftily, grimacing as the bitter taste of Angostura hit the back of his throat. 

“Well you’ve never _not_ snogged someone at the Med Ball before, so hurry up, I’m bored!” Marlene pouted, staring at her empty glass. “You always end up going home with someone. And while you’re at it, get your rich arse over to the bar and buy me a drink, will ya?”

Sirius gave a short laugh, shoving Marlene playfully.

“Bloody obnoxious, Mc Kinnon!” he said. “You only want me for my money!”

“Hmm, definitely true! Pity I’m not your type!” she retorted merrily, sitting down heavily and crossing her legs defiantly. “I’d definitely have bagged you by now! Hard to know who your type is, you never seem to stick with anyone, do you?”

“Drink coming up!” said Sirius, who evaded all talk about his love life with a barge pole.

He glanced over at Remus again as he waited for the round of drinks. Remus Lupin. He had never met anyone like him in his entire life. Sirius never had a problem talking to anyone, but he couldn’t string two words together in front of Lupin without sounding like an idiot, and he could never think of anything to say to him. Which didn’t mean that he hadn’t tried through the years to get to know Remus. He had tried his best to befriend him, but Remus Lupin did not make friends, at least not in his class. He wasn’t exactly rude to Sirius, he always answered all his stupid questions politely and even smiled at him occasionally. And he could even be sassy at times and funny, dreadfully funny, to the point that Sirius had been kicked out of a lecture for laughing so loudly at the dry comments coming out of the corner of Remus’ supposedly innocent mouth. It was probably true that of all his classmates, Sirius was one of the people who knew Remus best. James said Sirius was Remus’ only friend in the entire class. But he hardly ever sought him out. It was very one-sided, Sirius thought, feeling deflated. And why was he even so obsessed with Remus? Why was his friendship so bloody important to him?

He had been staring at Remus all that time, and musing about how fit he was, and that was just not right. It was frankly weird.

“I’m heading out for a quick smoke, Marls,” he said, handing Marlene her drink.

“Cheers,” said Marlene absently, following his retreating figure with a small frown.

 

……………………………………………………..

 

 

 

It was a warm night, and Sirius shrugged off his jacket and leaned against the stone wall, cigarette in hand, contemplating the stars. He was definitely well on the way to being quite pissed by now. He could breathe more easily out here, not plagued by doubts about why he cared so much about Remus’ opinion of him. Why did he have those embarrassing dreams about him, imagined himself doing things to Remus, things a platonic friend would definitely not be interested in doing? Imagine if Remus found out? It would be mortifying, he could never know. At these rare times when he allowed himself to think, he felt confused, like there was something missing in his life, and gnawing doubts about himself circled his mind… so he drank a bit more to drown out these inconvenient thoughts.

“Taking a break?”

He whipped round and stared. Remus was standing quietly next to him, hands in his pockets, staring ahead.

“Er, yeah,” he said, searching Remus’ face for any clues, and cursing himself silently. He was so bloody lacking in eloquence around this fellow.

“Me too,” Remus replied, sharing a sudden warm smile with him, his soft curls surrounding his tired face like a halo in the starlight.

Sirius felt his breath catch at the sight, sure that it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

“I.. do you want a smoke? Or a drink?” he asked, trying to mask his nerves, and holding his glass out towards Remus, his grey eyes widening perceptively.

“No, I’m good, thanks,” Remus laughed quietly, a playful glint in his eyes that Sirius had never noticed before.

“Alright,” said Sirius, desperately trying to think of something to keep Remus outside as long as possible.

“What really brings you out here?” Remus asked, looking at Sirius intently.

“Er, getting away from Marls... she was trying to set me up with Nicky Greengrass,” said Sirius, making a face.

Remus laughed again.

“And who are you interested in, Sirius?” he asked softly.

Sirius opened his mouth, and stopped, unable to speak.

_You, he wanted to say, just you._

The realisation hit him quite unexpectedly. He felt unable to breathe, stunned. He was head-over-heels smitten with Remus. There was no doubt about it.

“I…” he tried, staring at Remus.

“Fuck, you look so well tonight! I knew it was a bad idea following you out here. Look at your puppy-dog eyes! I’d say you could get someone to agree to practically anything with that look, Sirius!” said Remus, looking shy all of a sudden, as he glanced down at his shoes momentarily.

“A bad idea? You think?” he asked, feeling out of breath.

“I know,” replied Remus wryly, looking up quickly. “It was the way you were looking at me. I couldn’t stop myself.”

Sirius could see the slight blush on his cheeks despite the pale light.

“I’d like…” Sirius hesitated, his heart thumping aloud in his chest, moving towards Remus a fraction.

“Yes?” Remus was staring back at him now, his pupils wide, leaning slightly towards him.

“I think...” he whispered huskily.

“You’re so beautiful,” Remus said.

The pale light played with Sirius’ dress shirt and the angles of his jaw and cheekbones.

An aching feeling stole over Sirius and he exhaled.

“You …” he tried to put the feeling into words.

Remus’ slender finger touched his lips.

“Damn it all, I’m going to kiss you now, alright?” Remus interrupted him.

“Yes,” Sirius pleaded, sighing into him.

Remus kissed him slowly and deeply. It filled Sirius with a longing and desire he had never felt before. He trembled as Remus’ fingers played with his hair and then moved to his neck and pulled them closer together.

“Remus, Remus,” he was repeating the name, over and over, overcome with emotion.

“I’m here,” Remus murmured against him, bringing their foreheads together, their breaths heavy now.

“Don’t stop,” Sirius said weakly, pressing himself closer to Remus, desperate for his touch.

“I’m here,” came Remus’ breathless reply, in between planting kisses to Sirius’ jaw and throat.

Those words filled him with dizzy hope, and almost overcome with desire, he whispered hoarsely back.

“You… you’re all I want… just you.”

”I’ve waited so long,” Remus murmured into his ear. “I tried not to like you, I tried so hard, but tonight I couldn’t stop myself.”

Sirius felt himself unravelling.

He had no idea how long they stayed there, but he knew he had never felt so good, and he never wanted it to end.

 

……………………………………………………..

 

His mind was still in a haze when he wandered back into the building later, looking slightly dishevelled, a rapt smile still plastered on his face. Remus had made a strange excuse, saying he needed to get something in his car, and that he’d see him back inside. As he passed by the men’s toilets, he walked past Evan Rosier and Severus Snape, two class mates who he absolutely couldn’t stand.

The feeling was mutual.

“Well, well, Sirius Black,” said Evan, regarding him smugly. “I’m sure your parents would love to hear what you were up to tonight!”

Sirius glared at him.

“What do you mean? Fuck off!”

“Oh you know what I mean, Black,” continued Evan smiling in a sinister fashion. “Our families are very friendly as you know, I don’t think your parents would be too pleased to hear that their son and heir is a pathetic faggot, would they?

Sirius swallowed. Dread and fear lurched in his abdomen. His parents would literally kill him if they found out.

“I’m not a fucking faggot, you bastard!” he spat out vehemently, grabbing Evan by his shirt collar and flinging him against the wall.

“Calm down, Black,” hissed Severus, regarding him with mild disgust. “Rumour has it that you were seen with that sickly loner Lupin… with your tongue down his throat…”

“Leave Lupin out of this,” warned Sirius, his voice dangerously low.

“Why don’t you like us talking about Lupin? He’s a weirdo, a loser, a nobody, and he’s completely gay. You can get beaten up for that quite easily. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he got roughed up a bit, if the right sort of people got to hear about it,” Severus scoffed, enjoying the look of horror in Sirius’ face.

“How dare you threaten him like that! He is not a loser!” yelled Sirius, a paroxysm of rage overtaking him, as he punched Severus in the face. “And he’s not fucking gay!”

He went to punch Severus again, his face distorted with fury, he could vaguely make out a commotion around them, before he felt someone grabbing him and pulling him away.

“Sirius, stop it! Fucking hell!” James was shouting at him, but the voice seemed to come from far away.

Sirius ignored James and tried to punch Severus again.

“Sirius!” James looked horrified. Severus’ nose was pumping blood and he knew Sirius would be in even deeper trouble unless he intervened immediately.

“Stop it Sirius!”

He placed himself in front of Severus, and seconds later Sirius’ fist had collided with the side of his face, and he fell to the floor.

“James!” with a jolt Sirius crashed back into reality and stared at his fallen friend, sinking to the floor beside him. “James, shit! James! Answer me!”

“Fucking lunatic!” said Evan contemptuously, turning to Severus. “Let’s find Professor Slughorn and tell him exactly what happened.”

Severus looked shaken, holding the bridge of his bloodied nose. He nodded grimly and followed Evan out.

“I never asked for that fucker’s help! You can tell him that, I didn’t need his help!” he said, turning back to glare down at James’ unconscious figure with undisguised hostility.

Sirius wasn’t listening to a word Severus said, guilt and shame washing over him till he felt like he was about to break.

“James! Wake up! Call an ambulance!” he shouted to a fellow fifth year medical student, who had stopped to help and had placed James in the recovery position.

“Is he breathing?” Sirius choked.

“Course I’m breathing, you idiot!” muttered James, coming around, and groaning as he tried to lift his head up and failed.

“Fuck Prongs, I’m so sorry!” said Sirius wretchedly, grabbing James’ hand and squeezing it tightly.

“I can see that,” snorted James, as he saw Sirius’ distraught face blurring in and out of focus.

“Thank God you’re alright! Fuck, I’m so sorry!”

“S’fine,” said James dismissively. “How’s Snape?”

“I don’t give a fuck!” replied Sirius defiantly, tensing his fists again.

“You should!” said James, shooting him a reproachful look. “You could be before the College’s Disciplinary Committee because of this!”

“I don’t care, you didn’t hear what they said…” Sirius glared, looking away momentarily.

“No excuse, Sirius!” James snapped back, sitting up onto his elbows gingerly.

He had the beginnings of a black eye, discolouration and swelling which was painful to touch.

“I’m sorry,” said Sirius again, watching James with great discomfort. “I’ll come in the ambulance with you, I’ll tell them it was my fault.”

“I’m not going anywhere in an ambulance!” James said flatly. “I’m completely fine, just help me get up and we’ll order a taxi, I don’t think we need any more excitement for one night.”

Which was how he had found himself back at Grimmauld Place, nursing a bad hangover and brooding over what had happened. He hadn’t gone to bed at all, the sun was now up and he could hear London waking up to a glorious spring day. There was no point in denying it any more, he was definitely not straight, and mostly he fancied men. And one man in particular, for ages, it seemed. Of course he had known, for a long time, but he had buried it deep inside, afraid of the consequences if he came out.  He hadn’t even confided in James, or Peter, his best friends. But after tonight things had to change. If he wanted things to work out with Remus, he owed it to him to be truthful, and he wasn’t going to hide who he was any more. He felt weak and cowardly now for how he had reacted to Rosier and Snape’s taunts, and ill at ease about his aggressive reaction, although he felt a lot worse about hurting James. His parents though, they were going to freak out completely. He had had many a row with his parents about rights for the LGBTQA+ community, mixed in with countless other rows, and he shuddered to think how they would react to hear his news.

He heard footsteps descending the spiral staircase of his ancestral home and he stood up, bracing himself, as the door of sitting room opened swiftly.

“Sirius,” his mother’s tone was dismissive, disappointed almost, as though she secretly hoped he had been replaced by another son while she slept.

“Mother,” he replied quietly, his voice sticking in his throat.

“Your Father and I have to travel to New York on business tonight, we shan’t be back for a week or so, Kreacher is aware and will be in charge here while we are gone, is that clear?”

He nodded, feeling sick and anxious. His Father entered the room and eyed him up and down with displeasure, which he did not attempt to hide.

“You were out in public looking like that?” he sneered coldly, taking in his dishevelled, long hair and untucked shirt, as well as the splatters of blood on his sleeve.

Sirius didn’t answer him, but he felt the tension in his jaw tighten.

“You have always been a source of deep disappointment to me Sirius,” Orion Black complained bitterly. “However, your cousin Bella had some excellent news for us yesterday which you missed. She has agreed to take on the role of Chief Financial Officer at Slytherin Pharmaceuticals.”

“I see,” he said. “You must be proud.”

“Very proud,” agreed Orion. “She’s very talented despite her young age. And she and Regulus have agreed to attend the launch of the new UK Nationalist Liberation Party, where a large media presence is expected. This family has been secretly contributing to the party and will continue to do so into the future, it’s views and policies are exactly in keeping with our own values. I shall expect you to attend as well, you shall be representing me.”

Sirius blanched.

“Do you mean the new far-right, fascist party?”

“Of course I do, what did you think, boy?” His father was clearly irritated by Sirius’ pointless question.

Sirius felt his mouth go dry, digging his nails into the palms of his hand. It was now or never.

“About that, Father,” he said, his voice faltering slightly. “I thought it fair that you should both be aware of… that you should know…”

He stopped, took a deep breath and thought of Remus in the starlight.

“I want to date a guy in my class, I’m definitely not straight,” he blurted out.

There was a stunned silence. Sirius’ anxiety levels skyrocketed. The silence continued. Until Sirius felt compelled to speak again.

“Did you, did you hear that?” he asked, hoping his voice didn’t sound as shaky as he thought.

“No. I don’t think I heard that correctly,” said Orion, and his tone of voice was frightening. “What did you say?”

Shit. He was so dead. But he repeated it anyway.

“I’m not straight, I’m going to-“

His mother sometimes lost the plot, she would slap him across the face for his insolence, his disgraceful behaviour, comparing him to his brother Regulus who was so much better in every respect. He had learnt to live with it, make up excuses so his friends wouldn’t realise what was going on. He was an adult, for crying out loud, he felt shame when he thought about it. His father though, his father was far more dangerous.

“Get out,” said Orion, his voice so quiet he had to strain his ears to hear him.

Sirius swallowed. Immobile.

“I said, get out. Now. I never want to see you in my house ever again.”

There was cold fury in his voice.

 “If you think we are going to pay for your college fees, and maintain you, or let you have any part of this family’s wealth…”

Orion trailed off. He moved towards the monitor on the wall and pressed the button.

“Kreacher, there is someone here who needs to be escorted off the premises. Immediately.”

He paused and glanced at Sirius with uncontained disgust.

“If he doesn’t leave willingly, call security,” he added. “And he is banned from approaching this building from now on. Get a Restraining Order out against him. Today”

“Very good, Sir,” Kreacher’s oily tones crackled on the speaker.

Sirius looked at him in shock.

“You.. what… where do I go?”

“After your disgusting behaviour? I have no idea and no interest. Leave!” Orion said tonelessly.

Sirius looked bewildered at his mother.

“You heard your father. You’re not wanted here,” she said coldly.

“But…” Sirius wavered.

He hadn’t noticed Regulus, his perfect younger brother, standing half hidden by the door. In his designer clothes, sleeves symmetrically rolled up, spotless canvas shoes, same grey eyes staring back at him, blending into the furniture perfectly, his clothes the same tone as the walls.

“I’ll take care of it, Father,” Regulus was saying, in a cool, collected tone.

“Reg, wait… I just…” Sirius stammered.

“You better leave now,” Regulus was saying, guiding him out of the room and into the hall, his touch gentler now. “Please, go, please!”

Regulus looked terrified for him, Sirius vaguely registered, as he spotted his college rucksack. Regulus picked it up immediately and steered him outside the front doors, and down the stone steps, hiding it swiftly behind a large bush, one eye glued to the window.

“Get someone to pick it up tonight, I’ll try to stick some of your stuff in,” he whispered urgently, shoving a wad of banknotes into his hand.

“Where will I go?” Sirius asked.

He hadn’t realised he was crying till that moment.

Regulus hailed a passing taxi for him and pushed him inside.

 “Take him to Godric’s Hollow, it’s not far from Knightsbridge, he knows the way,” he said curtly to the taxi-driver, handing him a large note to make it worth his while.

 

 

……………………………………………

 

He had never spoken to Remus since that night. Remus had completely ignored him and refused to have anything to do with him.

Just like his family.

Hadn't even seen him in years. And now he was working with Remus in the same hospital.

He banged his head quietly onto the ledge in front of him, cursing internally, hoping the acoustics were shite.

He was so screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will be a bit slow due to family stuff going on... any comments or ideas really welcome!!


	3. Maybe I Played My Cards Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James - Flashback to 8 years previously ...

Chapter 3: Maybe I Played My Cards Wrong

 

 

Prongs: WTF Pete??

Prongs: what possessed you not to tell us about Evans and Lupin?

Prongs: ??????

Wormy: They weren’t

Prongs: ………………………?

Wormy: Lupin is new

Wormy: had no clue was starting here this year, didn’t see name on any roster!

Prongs: Evans???

Wormy: working in one of the other hospitals attached to the rotation

Wormy: found out her next post was here few weeks ago – name on the on-call rota

Wormy: didn’t tell you in case you baled out on me

Prongs: could have warned me yesterday

Wormy: sorry mate

James sighed and pushed the phone away. He felt Sirius’ rigid, hunched posture. What a mess, he thought. He glanced over at Lily Evans, now sitting in the audience, intently watching the speakers. She seemed unfazed by their presence. He felt sick.

 

**_Eight Years Earlier..._ **

****

“Thanks for helping out today, Potter,” Lily said.

Her smile was bright as her hand gently squeezed his arm.

“My pleasure,” he said, feeling inordinately pleased with himself, as he lifted the last of the crates into place.

“We definitely raised more money than I was expecting!” she said, looking at the biscuit tin full of coins and notes. “The MSOV* is going to be so chuffed.”

“Oi, Potter!” Marlene shouted from the storeroom. “Those crates need to be stacked in here as well, you know! Give us a hand! Unless you’re already exhausted, you wimp!”

James grinned at Lily and shouted back.

“Hey, that’s codswallop! I’ll have you know I go to the gym all the time, I’m pulling a blinder here, you cheeky pup!”

Lily snorted.

“Codswallop?”

“I get that from my parents,” he shrugged. “They do things like ask why I’m not going steady with you yet, to get a move on and woo you, and have you pencilled me in for a hot date yet.”

“They don’t!”

“I may be marginally exaggerating…”

Lily’s face flushed as peals of laughter echoed from the storeroom.

“Marls and Dorcas,” Lily said, trying to scowl. “They’re idiots!”

“Oh, I know,” he winked at her, disappearing in after them.

“She likes you, Potter!” whispered Marlene, giggling effusively and elbowing Dorcas, as James shoved the crates up higher.

James raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

“Doubt it.”

“She bloody does, you idiot, are you blind?” scoffed Dorcas, shushing Marlene sternly (who promptly erupted into more childish laughter).

James shook his head, smiling to himself, unwilling to believe it in case it wasn’t true.

“She hasn’t always liked you, obviously,” Dorcas hissed at him.

“Obviously,” James repeated, rolling his eyes. “She made that pretty clear in the past.”

“Whatever,” Dorcas waved her hand at him dismissively. “But this year, things have changed. You’ve changed. She’s changed. She’s actually very interested-”

“She fancies you rotten but is too bloody proud to make the first move. So hurry up and do something about it, Potter!” Marlene interrupted, folding her arms crossly.

“Yeah, what she said, in a nutshell,” Dorcas grinned at him.

“She doesn’t like me, we’re just friends,” James hissed back, mortified at the thought that Lily might be eavesdropping on their conversation.

“Ugh, you really are dense!” said Marlene, swatting him hard on his upper arm.

“Ouch!” said James, rubbing his arm grumpily. “I’m not! We’re just friends, especially in the past 18 months. We study together, we’re planning this trip to Tanzania with the MSOV together, we’re fundraising together. I’m telling you, we’re just mates … mates who occasionally flirt. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Just Mates! Occasionally Flirt-  my arse!” said Dorcas briskly. “Why does Lily talk about you incessantly to us? Why does she stare at you in lectures and hang around afterwards in the hope of bumping into you, so she’ll have an excuse to talk to you? She told me she likes you, okay? And don’t you dare tell her I said that, or she’ll kill me, right?”

James stared at the two girls in shock, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“He’s utterly stupid,” sighed Marlene, looking at Dorcas.

“Clueless,” agreed Dorcas.

“Oblivious,” added Marlene, gesturing helplessly.

“Get back out there and talk to her, you dork!” said Dorcas, shoving him out the door, despite his protestations. “Honestly, you’d swear you two were fifteen, instead of nearly qualified doctors!”

He walked over to her sheepishly, avoiding the other students who were finishing tidying up the hall.

“Alright, Evans?” he asked, running his hand through his messy, black hair.

“Yeah,” she said, sounding distracted, her gaze lingering on his arms. “They look bigger.”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“Arms,” she said hurriedly, clearing her throat. “Your arms, bigger… probably just… you lifted …”

“Right,” he said, taking in her slightly flushed cheeks. “Er, how are you getting home?”

“Back to my gaff for a coffee, both of you!” said Dorcas, interrupting them.

It was an order, not an invitation.

…………………………………………

 

“Nice place your sister owns, Dorcas,” said James, sipping his coffee and looking around the cosy apartment, with the wood-burning stove, the wool blankets draped over the couch, the jug filled with old-fashioned roses, the mismatched tea set.

“Lily decorated it with me, it’s her handiwork,” commented Dorcas. “She has great ideas. She suggested painting the main room russet orange to make it feel warmer during the winter. The windows are single glazing and it’s freezing. It works!”

“I love it,” James said.

He felt at ease here.

“You’re lucky, Dorcas,” sighed Lily, flopping down on the couch, and rest her head back.

“Yeah, it’s tiny, but Milly only charges me minimal rent which is brilliant, cause I can make ends meet by working in Tesco’s down the road at weekends. I couldn’t afford to live in London otherwise, despite the grant money, my family’s broke,” said Dorcas.

She was always completely upfront, which was one of the things Lily loved about her.

“Listen, we’ve run out of milk, just popping out to the shops,” Dorcas continued briskly, grabbing her bag and heading for the door.

“I’ll come too, keep you company!” said Marlene, grinning at Lily as she ducked out of the door.

“Same, I forgot to get… something else… too,” said Mary.

At least she had the decency to look embarrassed and mouth “sorry!” to Lily, before she also legged it out of the flat.

Dorcas was as subtle as a brick, it was one of the things that Lily hated about her.

She groaned loudly and tried to valiantly ignore the blush that spread rapidly across her neck and cheeks.

James was looking at her blankly.

“Did I miss something?” he said.

Lily managed a very fake laugh and proceeded to spill coffee all over the front of her jumper.

“Shit! No, no,” she began, hurriedly grabbing a tea-towel and attempting to fix her top. “Well, yes, actually…”

She tried to keep her tone flippant, but James could tell she sounded a bit rattled.

“They’re so stupid! They think there’s … something…  going on between us, when there clearly isn’t. I mean, I told them we’re just friends, but you know how girls get… ridiculous!”

She tossed her head and rolled her eyes dramatically.

“Oh yeah, ridiculous,” said James, his smile over-bright. “So what, they were hoping for some hanky-panky?”

Lily snorted.

“Hanky-panky? Are we in the 1950s or what, Potter? Yes I was hoping for that.”

James stared back at her.

“You were?” he asked, looking surprised.

“Yeah… what?” Lily looked momentarily horrified. “No, no, no! I meant them. _They_ were. I wasn’t. No. Not at all…”

She bit her lip. She looked spectacularly cute, in James’ opinion, in her stained cream crochet jumper and fitted jeans, her green eyes imploring him to shut up.

“So that wasn’t a Freudian slip, no?” he grinned wickedly.

“No. Definitely not,” she replied hurriedly, lifting her hair and wrapping it into a messy bun, which she fixed into place with a pen.

“Ah… pity,” he hummed softly, too kind to embarrass her further.

“Right, well, telly,” she said. “What do you want to watch? Grey’s Anatomy? Gavin and Stacey?”

They sat in front of the TV, silently, their mutual embarrassment slowly wearing off after a time, until the girls returned. One look at Lily and the three girls decided to lay off them for the rest of the night.

“How are you getting home?” James asked Lily, as the evening drew to a close.

“A lift from Marls, I think,” Lily said, looking around vaguely.

“No can do, sorry love, no room,” called out Marlene, sounding far too cheerful. “I promised to give my brother and his mates a lift into town, so you’ll have to get a lift from James here.”

She winked knowingly at them both.

He was going to kill that girl, he thought, glaring back at her, unaware that Lily was doing the same.

They walked down the steps towards James’ bicycle.

“A lift on that?” said Lily.

James shrugged casually.

“Yeah, I could give you a crossbar home? If you like?” he asked.

He tried looking cool and collected.

Lily hesitated momentarily.

“Well, I’d have to get two buses home. Oh, to hell with it. Yeah... alright, Potter,” she beamed.

His eyes lit up triumphantly.

They had never laughed so much. She nearly fell off multiple times. The somewhat stilted conversation in Dorcas’ house replaced by incessant banter and giggling. They were so close. James couldn’t figure out was his heart drumming furiously due to the vigorous cycling or due to the intoxicating presence of Lily Evans. Her hair tickling his face, she smelt of bergamot, cardamom, jasmine and coconut. His chin resting on her shoulder. On a steep hill he had to get off and push the bike for all of ten seconds, looking extremely disappointed with himself.

“Sorry! Are you getting tired?” Lily asked, wobbling precariously. 

“Me?” said James, sounding incredulous, and hopping back into the bike immediately. “I never tire!”

He huffed the words into her shoulder as he breathed heavily to crest the hill. 

“Show off!” she was staring into his eyes in a frankly very distracting manner.

The bike lurched dangerously, and a car hooted behind them.

“Shit. Sorry!” James panted. “I’m finding it hard to concentrate with you…”

He stopped mid-sentence.

“It’s okay, this is me,” she said, swinging her legs off the bike as they came to a stop. She was standing very close to him. She pointed to the tiny, run-down house where she had a one room flat.

“It’s not great, but the rent is dirt cheap and Mrs. Benson, the landlady, lives next door and is very decent. She didn’t increase my rent this year at all. Can’t wait till I start earning properly and can afford to move somewhere else. I just want my own space …”

“Is Snape still living there?” he asked, hoping to sound neutral.

“Yeah, he is. His room’s on the ground floor. We’re not really on speaking terms at the moment,” she said, looking uncomfortable.

“Everything ok?” he asked.

“yeah, it’s fine…”

She couldn't look at him. She removed a stray thread from her shirt. She sounded far from convinced. She had recently found out that Snape had joined a racist group involved in beating up foreigners and also very homophobic, and she was disgusted. 

“Anything I can help you with?” he said, moving a little closer to her. He felt a flare of protectiveness well up inside him. As well as a distinct urge to kick Snape in the arse.

“No, I’ll have to sort it out… I don’t really want to talk about it, if you don’t mind.”

 “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to pry.”

She smiled at him.

“It’s fine, you weren’t to know.”

“Thanks for the lift James,” she said, lingering there.

“Don’t mention it,” he said, smiling back.

“Your scarf is falling off,” she added, surveying him fondly.

“Oh, right,” said James, catching it as it fell to the ground.

“Who wears designer scarves in college anyway?” she scoffed. “I knew you were a snob the first day I saw you, with your bloody Belstaff jacket!”

“Interesting, you remembering what I was wearing the first day we met,” he teased.

“Hmm, well you made a very bad first impression, if you must know!” she said.

“I still made an impression of sorts through, didn’t I? I call that a win! And first impressions can be wrong… oh alright, I was massive tosser, fair enough! I had a bit of a swollen head back then – being on the rugby team that won the schools' league only made it worse, it was a big deal at the time.”

“Hmm, you definitely needed taking down a peg or two back then, and I’m not fully convinced your head has deflated enough even now,” Lily said dryly.

“I’m not disagreeing with you entirely, aside from the fact that my head is so deflated now as to resemble a shrivelled raisin,” he laughed. “You, on the other hand, made a very good impression. You were wearing this very same leather jacket, your hair was in a French plait and you were doubled over with laughter at Marlene’s answers during anatomy tutorials. She had just confidently informed Prof Flitwick that the cross-section of a testis was the brain.”

“Oh gosh I’d completely forgotten that!” said Lily, bursting into a fit of giggles.

“You said ‘to be fair to Marlene, that’s more or less the right answer, Professor’, and Flitwick practically choked with embarrassment!” grinned James.

“He was always such a prude, Flitwick, despite teaching anatomy, I was very cruel to him!” said Lily.

"You were always a bit cheeky!" he smiled.

She was beaming at him.

“Anyway, that scarf still has to go!”

“Excuse me, give it back, Evans!” said James, even though she hadn’t gone near it, like he knew she couldn’t resist a challenge.

“You wish, Potter!” she smirked, green eyes flashing, as she lunged for the offending item.

“Get off!” he yelled, laughing, trying to tickle her sides.

“No tickling! That’s cheating!” she shrieked loudly, stubbornly holding onto it, as they stumbled backwards towards the iron railing of the house. She whipped it behind her back as he fell onto her.

“Give it back!”

 “Never!” she laughed, slightly out of breath, as they both tugged at the material.

“You’re a menace, Evans!”

“Only when I’m with you!”

“What does that mean?”

His hazel eyes danced playfully, his lips moments away from hers.

“Well you’re so bloody annoying and stupid and…“ she said.

“And what?” he whispered.

“And so bloody adora-“

“Everything alright there, dearie?”

Lily’s next-door neighbour, a bohemian woman in her seventies, stood up from behind the low wall where she was weeding. James jumped back in fright.

“Bloody hell!” said James.

“Oh, er, hullo, Mrs. Benson, smashing, thanks!” replied Lily, moving away from James.

“Oh, good, just checking! Who’s this young man?”

“It’s James, a classmate. James, this is my landlady, Mrs. Benson,” said Lily, looking very pink.

“Hello dear, I like your eyes, always had a thing for brown eyes.”

“Good evening, Mrs. Benson,” said James, giving her a firm handshake.

“And I like your handshake, James, not the dead fish handshake that that fellow Severance Snake has,” said Mrs. Benson, eying Lily haughtily.

“Snape in a nutshell!” James chuckled quietly.

Lily shot him a disapproving glare.

Mrs. Benson remained standing there, in her striking orange headscarf, smiling pointedly at them.

“Right. Well… goodbye so,” said James, sticking his hands in his jacket pockets, and looking at the ground.

He was pretty sure if Mrs. Benson hadn’t been standing there they would have snogged by now.

“Thanks for the lift home, James, I really enjoyed it.”

She turned to go up the steps, and he turned to head home.

“Lily!” he called back suddenly. It was worth the risk. “Do you want to meet me in town tomorrow?”

She broke into a huge grin.

“Yeah… I’d love to!”

“Right! I’ll text you!”

“Great,” she said.

He turned to go and stopped.

“As in, a date, though - you know?” he explained, looking doubtfully at her.

“I get that, you idiot!” she smiled.

She took a few steps down and planted a quick kiss onto his cheek.

“See you then, James!”

“She likes you, you know,” said Mrs. Benson as soon as Lily had shut the front door behind her.

“Yeah?” said James.

“Yeah, trust me, I know these things!” said Mrs. Benson airily.

 “I like you too,” she added. “And I don’t like that creepy Severance fellow. I increased his rent in an attempt to get rid of him, but it didn’t work. I think it’s because he’s besotted with Lily. Point is, he’s not right for her. They had a huge row the other day, I could hear them from next door. She was crying.They’re not dating, are they?”

“I don’t think so,” said James, feeling his shoulders tighten.

“You don’t like him either,” Mrs. Benson said shrewdly.

He looked uncomfortable.

“Lily’s a wonderful girl though.”

 James ruffled his hair and smiled.

“I’ve noticed!”

She bent down to continue her gardening, before shooting back up suddenly, giving James a fright.

“You may think I’m barmy, but mark my words, you two will get married, eventually. It just may take a while to get there, so don’t give up on her,” she said. “Good night, James.”

“Good night, Mrs. Benson.”

 

……………………………………….

 

Except there had been no date.

And his friendship with Lily Evans had ended within the turbulent forty-eight hours that followed. Forty-eight hours that changed his life forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS This whole chapter (bar the reference to Snape), may or may not be entirely based on real life events involving my highly mortifying friends, the guy I was best friends with/madly in love with who was in my class in college and me... we may or may not now be married....!
> 
> Thanks so much for all your beautiful comments, I love reading them, and very motivating!


	4. Oh, Just a Little Bit Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to 8 years ago... James was about to go on his first date with Lily Evans, Sirius had been disowned and kicked out by his family and due to reasons he remained unaware of, Remus Lupin was no longer talking to him... and things were about to get a hell of a lot worse for them both...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty chapter alert... also a bit long... hope you enjoy...

Chapter 4:  Oh, Just a Little Bit Wrong

 

_(Continuation of Flashback to 8 years earlier…)_

“Any plans for today?” James asked, flopping down on the couch opposite Sirius.

“No,” Sirius replied, without looking up from his laptop.

“Why don’t you come to the gym with me?” said James.

“No thanks,” Sirius said.

“Coffee shop? The Italian one you love?” persisted James.

Sirius shook his head.

“Pads, you’ve been hiding away in here for weeks now, you need to start getting out a bit more,” said James frowning. “Mum and dad are worried about you.”

Mr. & Mrs. Potter adored Sirius. He had taken to spending more and more time in their house over the years, and they had welcomed him with open arms, treating him as part of the family. Now that he had been disowned by his parents, Sirius had been told to move in permanently. James was right, they were all concerned about his wellbeing. Sirius was looking decidedly thin, he thought. His usually tight jeans looked baggy on him, his hair unkempt, his eyes dull.

“I’m worried about you,” he sighed.

“Don’t worry about me, s’fine,” said Sirius, leaning back on the arm of the sofa.

“God Sirius, when you do that sad smile that doesn’t reach your eyes, it cries out that you’re fucking miserable!” said James, leaning forwards and clasping his hands together.

“Psychobabble,” muttered Sirius, closing his eyes. “Okay, fine, I’m miserable. Plenty of people have had their hearts broken. My family are all horrible and they’ve always hated me, nothing new there. And I wasn’t even in a relationship with Remus, I’ll get over it soon enough, don’t worry.”

“Fucking Lupin, wanker!” muttered James crossly.

Sirius opened his eyes again.

“Don’t you dare bad-mouth Remus,” he said tight-lipped. “He’s not obliged to go out with me.”

James opened his mouth to protest and thought better of it. Remus Lupin had been downright rude and obnoxious, refusing to even speak to Sirius since that night.

“Any word from Reg?” he tried, immediately regretting it.

“Not. A. Thing.” said Sirius darkly, drumming his fingers on his thigh. “I’ve tried contacting him on Facebook, texted him, even emailed him and tried to call him. Nothing.”

James grunted angrily.

“I’m dead to him, ok? I don’t exist, erased from all records of the Black family. I looked at Reg’s Facebook page before he blocked me and all the photos with me have been deleted, any childhood pics gone. Same with my cousins, and obviously my fucking parents…”

“Fuck!” said James.

He hated seeing Sirius like this – hurting, vulnerable, rejected. He wanted to fix everything for him. Do something. Anything. But he couldn’t. He had already tried to contact Reg himself, tried to corner him leaving Grimmauld Place, to no avail.

 “Alright, look, come on, let’s get out of here for a few hours,” said James, trying a new tack. “I need a distraction before I meet Lily in town later on.”

“Nervous, Prongs?” smirked Sirius, momentarily diverted.

“Yes, you bastard, sod off!” James replied, throwing a cushion at Sirius.

“Fine, only cause I’m an excellent best friend,” said Sirius, standing up unenthusiastically. “But I need a shower.”

“You really do, you stink!” said James, grinning.

“Some best mate you are!” said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

James smiled happily and headed for the kitchen. He was famished. Rooting around in the fridge he took out a protein drink and switched on the TV, which he rarely watched. He was about to stretch out on the sofa when he heard a long, urgent ring on the doorbell. Wandering to the door barefoot, he threw on a t-shirt over his running shorts. When he opened the door, his mouth gaped.

“may I come in? Please, it’s urgent. I only have a few minutes.”

It was Sirius’ younger brother, Reg. He looked harassed and fearful, carrying a sports bag, wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap, and glancing over his shoulder repeatedly.

“Come in,” said James immediately, stepping aside.

Silently Reg entered the Potter’s house, standing uncomfortably in the hall.

“Can we stand away from the windows please? I’m concerned I may have been followed,” he whispered.

Nodding swiftly James brought him into the library where the curtains were already drawn.

“What’s wrong, Reg?” he asked bluntly.

“Everything. Everything’s fucked,” he said.

His breathing was shallow, and James was pretty sure he was starting to have a panic attack.

“It’s ok, you’re safe here, Reg,” James said, squeezing his shoulder. “Sit down, I’ll get you a drink.”

“No time,” rasped Reg, taking deep breaths. “I need to talk to Sirius. Immediately. It’s a matter of life and death.”

Those brothers certainly had a flair for the dramatic, thought James.

“I’ll get him,” said James, turning to leave.

The door of the library opened, and Sirius came in, a towel wrapped round his waist, hair and body still dripping from the shower.

“What’s going on?” he demanded, looking from Reg to James in agitation. “I thought I heard your voice.”

“It’s... I have to…” Reg froze.

“For God’s sake, tell me Reg!” yelled Sirius, grabbing Reg by the shoulders. “Did they hurt you?”

“They will when they find out what I’m doing,” said Reg, locking eyes with his older brother. “I’m going to the media with it.”

“Fuck. What did you do?” asked Sirius urgently, his grey eyes piercing.

“I’m telling them everything. That new wonder drug that was in the news recently, Salazar, the one that was meant to be a miracle cure for MS sufferers?” said Reg.

“Yeah, James’ parents’ lab was developing it originally, I know, what about it?“ said Sirius, looking confused.

“That’s right,” said James. “Some whiz scientist, Tom Riddle, was responsible for most of the work, he’s supposedly a total genius. My parents sold it to Slytherin Pharma two years ago, Riddle had said he needed more investment to complete its development and refused to continue working for them. They weren’t keen cause they knew your parents run that company, and there have been rumours about unethical practices for decades, but nothing was ever proved. Riddle made them feel guilty, saying they were responsible for depriving sufferers of a potential cure for MS. The share price for Slytherin Pharma shot up in the past few months, as the research papers published recently supported the hype. I don’t get it… that drug was due to be launched next week?”

“It won’t be launched now. Not if you agree with my plan,” said Reg, turning to Sirius. “It’s all a lie. I heard Riddle talking to mother and father about it. The drug has serious side effects, it causes potentially lethal problems. The 400 people who were involved in the trial are starting to develop liver and kidney complications.  Riddle said he thinks they will all develop organ failure. Riddle has lied to each of them so they each think theirs is a one-off case and told them they have randomly developed an autoimmune disorder, unconnected to the drug. He’s referred them to a consultant who is as shady as he is and who is involved in the cover up. No doubt our parents are paying him handsomely for his help. They’ve decided not to call a halt to the development of the drug, which ethically they have to. They plan to release it onto the market as planned, so the share price will continue to sky rocket. Then they plan to sell Slytherin Pharma to one of the big American drug companies that has been interested in a possible take over for the past nine months. The side effects only become apparent after around a year of treatment and they are permanent. When patients start to die, and the law suits start, it won’t be their problem any longer. They plan to transfer the money into a secret offshore account, so nobody can touch it. They may get fined, but they’ll probably lie and declare bankruptcy, if needed, and nobody will have proof they knew about these problems. Riddle has altered the blood test results; the data any investigator will find is all fake.”

“Fucking hell!” said Sirius, staring at his brother dumbfounded. “They can’t do that!”

“Oh, they are doing it, trust me,” said Reg. “I confronted them about it and they confirmed it. They think I’ll stay quiet as otherwise we lose everything. They also threatened me if I go to the media. Said Riddle has contacts who will make sure I end up dead if the story is leaked.”

“What?” said James, looking horrified.

He had been listening to the story in shock. His parents, his poor parents, were going to be so upset. But this?

“I wouldn’t put it past them,” said Sirius grimly, eying his brother with concern. “You need to disappear stat, hide out in Europe till this whole thing blows over. You can’t afford to hang around, too dangerous, give me the proof and I’ll do it immediately,” said Sirius.

“They don’t know that last night I managed to get into father’s laptop and sent myself all the incriminating data, it wasn’t difficult when his password is England4theEnglish,” said Reg bitterly.

“The slogan for the Nationalist Liberation Party,“ said James, looking disgusted. “Should we not call the police?”

“Afterwards,” said Sirius. “My parents have connections everywhere, old Eton ties, family loyalties going back hundreds of years. I bet they have contacts in Scotland Yard, or even in MI5.”

“Agreed,” Regulus stood up. “I need to leave, I don’t want to put you in danger.”

Sirius shook his head.

“Reg, don’t! Is there anything I can do? Come with you?”

“No, it’ll be much easier to escape notice on my own. I’m not as extraordinary looking as you are, pretty hard to blend into the background when you look like a male model!”

Sirius rolled his eyes fondly.

“Just promise you’ll release this before they can stop us!” said Reg.

Sirius nodded.

“How do you know you weren’t followed?” asked James.

“You don’t. We need a disguise!” said Sirius. “And I have just the thing, from a recent fancy-dress party!”

 

………………………………………………

 

A slim woman with long blonde hair and sunglasses emerged from the Potter’s house a short while later. She slung a Hermes bag into the front seat of the maroon coloured vintage Porche in the Potter’s driveway and drove off at a leisurely pace.

“Who’s that?” said Crouch, training his surveillance equipment on her.

“Some posh bird, probably Sirius’ girlfriend,” shrugged Lestrange, speaking into the hidden mic. “We stay put till they move, and then we don’t lose them, especially Regulus if he shows up. We were told to cause serious injuries today as a warning, and kill him if he leaks the story to anyone.”

 

………………………………………………

 

The Guardian’s UK News Editor, Kingsley Shaklebolt, couldn’t believe what he was hearing from Sirius, but a quick scan of the data sent to him was convincing enough for him to make a decision. The Black family were often in the media due to their huge wealth. Walburga, with her stunning beauty and eerily preserved youth, was always noticeable at society gatherings, and the brothers’ good looks resulted in their photographs being splattered Everywhere. Sirius was instantly recognisable as legit. This was going to be a massive story.

“Sirius, I’ve seen the data and that YouTube video of your brother summarising what happened and what he was told. I’ll contact all media outlets, it’s going to hit the headlines immediately.”

 

 

…………………………………………

 

The doorbell rang and both Sirius and James jumped.

“Fuck!” hissed Sirius. “Who the fuck is that?”

“Don’t know,” said James, advancing towards the door warily. “Sirius, can you lock yourself in the library and call the police straight away? I’m better off playing dumb and pretending Reg hasn’t been here, I’ll keep them occupied till the police arrive, yeah?”

“Fuck!” said Sirius, glaring.

How bloody helpful, possible heavies at the door and him with nothing but a towel wrapped round him!

“Move!” said James.

He opened the door as the library door clicked shut.

“May I – oh, it’s you,” said James, staring at Snape’s scowling face in the porch. “What do you want?”

James glanced nervously around and cursed Snape, he needed to get that idiot out of there as soon as possible, given they might be getting an unpleasant visit soon.

“Charming as ever, Potter,” sneered Snape, looking positively livid.

“I’m in a hurry Snape, what do you want?” repeated James, keeping his voice stern.

“I want you to fuck off and leave Lily Evans alone, do you understand? We are dating, in fact we live together. She was too intimidated to say no to your request for a date, so she asked me to tell you. I believe her exact words were to tell you to fuck off and leave her alone, or she’ll contact the police and get you charged with stalking her,” said Snape, looking triumphantly at James.

“What the ever-living fuck?” said James, looking completely bewildered. “Look, I don’t have time for this shit! I will certainly clarify with Evans when I meet her if this bullshit is true, or if you’re a lying git. Alright? Now get the fuck out of here!”

He stepped forward menacingly. He had to get rid of Snape, and fast.

“Don’t you threaten me, you entitled, stuck-up bastard!” shouted Snape, as without warning he aimed a punch at James’ face.

James fell backwards, and his head hit the floor with a thud.

The library door flew open and Sirius emerged looking like thunder.

“You greasy fucker!” he screamed, still only wearing the white towel, holding the poker he had just picked up and advancing ominously. “Get the fuck out of here, or I will personally beat you to within an inch of your life!”

Snape looked at him in fear and began walking backwards.

Sirius hated him at that moment - hated the fact that he was a bigot and an avid supporter of the NLP, that he was part of the group of students who were openly homophobic, blamed him for what had happened at the Med Ball, and now he had threatened and lied to his best friend. 

“Get the fuck out of here, Reg!” Sirius shouted after him, running down the steps onto the driveway. “I never want to see your ugly face again, do you hear me, Reg? Don’t ever come back, Reg!”

Snape’s bewildered features seemed to struggle to make sense of what Sirius was saying, before he turned and fled down the road.

Sirius ran back inside and stooped down to where James was struggling to get up.

“What the hell…?” James muttered, wincing as he stood.

“Are you ok?” asked Sirius, examining the back of his head. “Lucky it’s a wooden floor and not the marble in my old man’s place!”

“What happened? And why were you calling him Reg?” asked James.

Sirius looked slightly uncomfortable before he shrugged dismissively.

“I may have noticed a few figures spying on us from the road, clearly Riddle’s contacts. They got here around the time Reg left. And I may have decided that one skinny bloke with dark hair and a baseball cap is pretty similar to another,” he said.

“What?” said James. “But you called him Reg… they’ll think he’s…”

“Precisely,” said Sirius, raising his elegant arched eyebrow. “That was the point, teach that bastard a lesson and get them off Reg’s back.”

“But they could kill him!”

James pushed Sirius aside and tore down the steps and out onto the street, his heart racing. His stomach lurched as he spotted Snape lying on the ground. Three masked men were kicking and beating him with iron bars.

“Stop!” he yelled, as he reached them. “Stop it! That’s not Reg! You have the wrong man!”

Police sirens blared in the distance as he aimed a punch at one of the men who wasn’t expecting it and fell back, momentarily stunned. The other two turned away from the prostrate figure, bars in hand, and advanced towards him.

He managed to grab the end of the iron bar that the taller masked man tried to aim at his head and lashed out furiously with his legs to try to keep the man away from him. The shorter, broader attacker swung his arm out and hit him in the back, causing him to buckle and collapse immediately. He covered his head with his hands as best he could and curled up into a ball as the iron bar fell on him.

“We need to go, now! Someone’s coming, and the police are nearly here!” said the taller man, who had spotted Sirius running down the Potter’s driveway with the poker in his hand. He helped the third man up as the blaring sirens of three police cars approached.

The shorter man grunted as he landed one last blow before fleeing the scene with the other two attackers.

 

………………………………………………………….

 

“How is he?” James asked groggily, when he came to in the hospital trolley.

He was attached to a monitor and he had a cannula in his arm.

“The greasy wanker? He’ll make it, he’s not great, they’ve finished operating on him now. They think we’re friends, so they filled me in when I asked,” Sirius snorted derisively. “He had a fractured femur which they fixed, a pneumothorax which they drained, and a couple of fractured ribs. They were worried he might have a subdural haematoma. Thankfully he doesn’t.”

“You fucking arse!” said James angrily, then hissed with pain as breathing in sharply was painful. “You nearly got him killed!”

Looking momentarily guilty, Sirius dropped his gaze.

“I didn’t think they’d hurt him so badly,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

His eyes swept over his friend’s swollen face and bruised torso and he sighed heavily.

“I’m really sorry. I think you’ve broken five ribs and you’ve got a peri-orbital fracture. They’re bringing you in for an MRI now to see if there’s any internal bleeding. Shit, I’m so sorry.” Sirius looked visibly upset.

“You’re an arse,” James repeated. “Are you okay?”

“Well I ran after them and tried to take them on but one of them pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot if I followed them. They got away, I told the police everything I could. The news about Salazar has gone public,” he said, pointing to the Sky News broadcaster on the small screen in the cubicle with the caption _Slytherin Pharmaceuticals Scandal_. “Your mum and dad called, they were awfully upset about the whole thing.  They had just heard about it on the radio, they’re on their way back to London now. I wish they hadn’t heard like that. I had to tell them about you getting hurt, but I minimised your injuries so they wouldn’t panic.”

James winced.

“Shit,” he muttered. “Were they ok? You know how worried they get…”

Sirius paused. They were very clearly distraught on the phone, not only about James’ health, but also worried about the patients involved in the Salazar trial. And worried about his safety – when really he was a terrible person who didn’t deserve anyone’s love, least of all the Potter’s. He dreaded them finding out what he had done.

“I insisted they leave the car and get the train down, that I’d pick them up at King’s Cross, I warned Dad, sorry, Fleamont, not to drive back as he was too upset,” said Sirius, anxiously scratching his jaw.

“Dad,” corrected James. “He calls you son.”

Sirius felt a lump in his throat and nodded, heavy tears falling down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Prongs,” he said hoarsely, getting up quickly and brushing the tears away frantically. “I should go. I’m nothing but a liability, and for all I know I could be putting you all in danger. I’ll just…”

He made as if to leave and James grabbed hold of his wrist.

“Stop being so bloody dramatic, Pads!” he said firmly, fixing Sirius with a warning look which reminded him of James’ Head Boy Face. “You’re not going anywhere. I need you here. I want you here. You can go and feel sorry for yourself another time. Mum and Dad need you too.”

James watched as Sirius’ breathing calmed slowly. He sat down as abruptly as he had stood up, looking exhausted.

“Sorry. I was being a self-indulgent little shit,” he sighed. “Won’t happen again.”

“Pads, you’ve just been given horrible news, you’re scared to death about Reg’s safety, your family are murderous bastards, and the entire country knows what happened. I think most people in your situation wouldn’t exactly be handling it well?” James said.

“I should be better than that,” said Sirius quietly, kicking the wall with his foot.

“I am worried about Reg. He left his phone at your place. I hope he’s ok,” he added.

“So do I,” said James.

 

………………………………….

 

 

It was one of the busiest days on record for the Emergency Department at St. Rowena’s, and hours later James was still on a trolley, awaiting a hospital bed so he could be admitted. Sirius was still by his side.

“I wonder how Snape is doing?” said James, fiddling with the cannula in his arm.

“You always fidget when you’re anxious, it’s annoying,” said Sirius.

He was snapping, and he knew it was due to guilt.

“I can go and try to find out?” Sirius said after a pause. “They think we’re friends.”

“Go ahead, although I doubt they’d tell us anything else if we aren’t family,” James said.

As Sirius made his way towards the nurses’ station to ask what ward Snape had been moved to, he saw a red-haired woman talking to the student nurse, in a very familiar voice.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for a patient called Severus Snape, he was admitted here after being assaulted a few hours ago? I don’t know how bad his injuries are. I’m down as his next of kin,” she was saying.

“Certainly,” the student nurse answered, turning to the computer screen. “I’ll just find out for you.”

“Lily,” called Sirius, tapping her gently on the shoulder.

She whirled around immediately.

“Get your hands off me!” she was seething with rage. “I heard what happened, I spoke to Sev.”

“I’m sorry Lily, I wasn’t thinking straight, I…” Sirius said, looking horrified.

“You needn’t think you can lie to me about what happened!” she raised her voice. “Sev already told me, he told me that James paid some guys to beat him up. And that you were about to join in with a poker when the police arrived. He can’t prove any of it of course. It’s sick! It was premeditated! How could you?”

She had tears in her eyes and her hand went up to her mouth in horror as she imagined what had occurred.

“I know he’s far from perfect, but he could have died,” she said, her voice shaking. “He could have died!”

“That’s complete bullshit!” shouted Sirius. “How dare you think that James and I would do something like that?”

“Because Sev told me,” she sobbed, distraught. “He said James warned him he was going to get beaten up, he didn’t believe it obviously and then, this happened the very same day… why would Sev lie?”

 “Why would he lie? Oh I don’t know - maybe cause he’s a weirdo and he’s obsessed with you? A weirdo supporter of racist bastards like the NLP? Cop on, Evans!” spat back Sirius, his grey eyes furious.

“Are you denying you had anything to do with what happened to Sev?” said Lily, interrupting him mid-flow.

Sirius hesitated, staring at her unblinking emerald eyes, unsure what he could say.

“Well, not entirely,” Sirius stammered.

“I’m not going to listen to your pathetic excuses any longer!” Lily said, giving him a cold glare. “And you can tell that friend of yours who stood me up today that I’d rather go on a date with Squiddy Blacklake than ever go out with him!”

Sirius winced. Squiddy, that gross Final Med student known for being, er, handsy? Really?

“No, wait, Lily, Snape lied! I can explain, it had nothing to do with James, I swear!” said Sirius.

Before he could finish, she had turned her back on him and exited the room.

Sirius screamed internally as he dug his fingernails into his hands.

“Bugger, bugger, bugger!” he said, clenching his teeth.

How the hell was he going to explain this to James? This was easily turning into one of the worst days of his life.

 

……………………………………………..

 

“Look, we’ll sort it out, I swear,” Sirius repeated fervently. “Once she hears from you what actually happened, she’ll know that Snape was lying. I can even get Reg to meet her and explain once this whole disaster calms down.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, she was probably just really worried. And what is she supposed to think when she hears her friend was badly assaulted and he blames it on us?” said James, stifling a yawn.

He was so tired of listening to Sirius' apologies and each time he breathed in, his chest hurt.

Just then the Emergency Department doors flew open as ambulance crew and paramedics sped through. James and Sirius could catch snippets of conversation as the team worked.

“Elderly man… single vehicle crash… vitals have stabilised… pupils responsive… ECG changes,” a paramedic was talking.

“Eyewitnesses?” they heard the doctor ask, as various monitors beeped around the crash victim.

“… seemed to lose control of the car before crashing into a car hauler… one of the cars that had not yet been secured fell on top of his car… car’s a write-off… bruising on his upper abdomen… complaining of dizziness and abdominal pain.”

“… possible internal bleeding from trauma to the liver or spleen,” another voice spoke. “… ultrasound and CT abdomen… what’s his name?”

“Fleamont, Fleamont Potter.”

James and Sirius froze as their eyes met, unable to speak. Then they both got up and ran out of the cubicle towards the injured man, Sirius running faster.

“Dad!” he called out. “Dad!”

“Excuse me, please step aside!” said the nurse in charge as several nurses and doctors held him back and stopped him reaching the team of medics treating Mr. Potter.

“But it’s James’ dad, our dad!” shouted Sirius, his voice sounding harsh, the bright lights making him panic as he caught glimpses of Fleamont’s injuries.

“You can talk to him as soon as he’s stabilised,” said the nurse, firmly leading both James and him aside.

“Mum. What about mum?” James’ voice sounded strange to him, as though he were in a dream, as though none of this were real.

“The front seat passenger… died instantly… there was nothing we could do… she was already dead by the time we got there.”

The voice of the paramedic carried over.

“No. Not mum. Not mum,” James heard himself whisper.

A single sob, heartbroken. And then he held the rest of the pain inside, Sirius’ hand squeezing his own as silent tears fell down their cheeks.

 

…………………………………………

 

“You can see him now, he’s very unwell, we suspect internal injuries. His blood pressure has  stabilised somewhat, but we‘re going to have to operate urgently. He wants to speak to you,” the nurse said kindly, patting James on the shoulder.

James stood up.

“Thank you,” he said.

He felt numb.

“You too,” the nurse turned to Sirius and smiled sadly. “He was asking for both of you.”

New tears shone in Sirius’ eyes and he nodded, unable to speak.

“James, Sirius,” Fleamont’s voice was frail and faint. “My boys.”

“Dad, it’s alright, we’re here,” said James, trying to steady his voice as he kissed his father’s pale cheek. “You’re going to be okay.”

“Always so positive,” said Fleamont, his smile tender as he gazed on his son adoringly. “And always exaggerating.”

He winked conspiratorially at Sirius, patting his hand gently.

“We all know that is not true,” he continued, as both of them leaned in to hear what he was saying. “I don’t know if I’m going to make it, chaps. Look after your mother for me, won’t you? She loves you both so much. She’ll need company, she’ll miss me if I go, nobody to annoy her all day, eh?”

He coughed, his breathing more shallow.

“James,” he said urgently, grasping at his t-shirt weakly. “Promise me you’ll do the right thing for those people involved in the Salazar trial. Promise me you’ll sort them all out… treatment, compensation… they shouldn’t have to sue. I don’t trust the others. Give them everything they need, even if it means it takes away most of what we have?”

James squeezed his hand and tried not to cry.

“I promise dad, if you’re not here I’ll sort it all out.”

“Sirius, you too, look after James and mum, won’t you?” Fleamont whispered. “They’re too soft, especially him.”

He snorted quietly and smiled at Sirius.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to us, Sirius,” he added, winking at James.

“Ha! Favouritism!” said James, smiling between tears and feigning indignation.

Sirius could only shake his head.

“You’re the best… you and mum,” he tried to say it, but it was too much, so he contented himself with burying his face in Fleamont’s arm and crying quietly.

“The Will,” Fleamont said, looking at James. “The inheritance goes to you and Sirius, there won't be much left after this is all sorted out, but make sure to keep some money aside for the two of you, and finish your bloody degree, both of you!”

He shot a stern look at Sirius in particular, one that was so reminiscent of James that it made him smile.

“We need to get him into theatre straight away,” the surgeon interrupted them quietly, a strained and apologetic look on his face. “There’s internal bleeding, his blood pressure has just dropped.”

Fleamont coughed weakly and as James caught Sirius’ gaze he knew that they were going to lose him too.

 

...................

 

The next day Fleamont had passed away quietly, joining his dearly beloved wife. James knew he would have preferred it that way. Helping Sirius deal with the media frenzy, trying to help Sirius locate Reg (to no avail), dealing with his father’s solicitors in trying to compensate the patients affected in the trial, dealing with Sirius’ rage as his mother avoided jail and his father got a suspended sentence, seeing Sirius spiral into depression and start self-medicating with drugs, helping him through rehab. When Sirius was back to himself, he allowed himself to grieve, railing at the unfairness of it all. But they had, eventually, both finished college, got their final med exams and started working in the areas they felt drawn to – Sirius in Emergency Medicine and James in Psychiatry.

And Lily Evans? He had seen her at his parents’ funeral, but they hadn’t spoken. He still had the card she had sent him saying how sorry she was for his loss. But in the midst of all his life imploding, he hadn’t tried to contact her again. Let her believe what she wanted, if she thought that little of him...

And as for Sirius, he had never forgiven himself for everything that happened that day. As far as he was concerned, he was to blame. It was his fault Reg was missing, presumed dead – he should have protected him somehow. It was his fault Fleamont had suffered a heart attach that day which resulted in the death of the people he loved most in the world and ruined his best friend’s life. It was his fault his parents had bankrupted the Potters, he should have guessed what was going on and put a stop to it sooner. It was his fault Snape had been seriously injured and that James had gotten hurt trying to protect him. And his fault that Lily Evans hated James.

Now that he was sober, he could work. He loved his job. He loved his friends. He was highly attractive, he had plenty of people asking him out, hitting on him. But he avoided relationships like the plague. Even if someone as wonderful as Remus ever came into his life again (which he sincerely doubted), he would never be good enough for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. I Could Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and James' first day at St. Godric's...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - stigmatising attitudes towards mental health from 2 characters (which I completely hate, see end of chapter)

 

 

 

Chapter 5: I Could Fall

 

 

“Hey – Sirius, James! It’s over!” said Peter, elbowing James.

He noted James’ slightly disorientated expression.

“Induction? You weren’t paying attention to any of it, were you?” he laughed.

“Huh?” James came back to the present slowly, trying to ignore the emptiness that often hit him when he allowed himself to think about the past. “Yeah, never mind, you’ll fill me in if needs be, won’t you?”

Peter rolled his eyes.

“Course I will, as usual! You can count on me to bail you out!”

“I know, you’ve never let me down,” said James, with a warm smile. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Hey, don’t go getting all soppy on us!” said Sirius, standing up and stretching loudly, his eyes scanning the room intently. “Now what?”

“You best head to the ED, and I’ll show James where to go,” said Peter, squeezing out of the row of seats. “Don’t forget, pint after work to celebrate the reunion of the infamous Marauders!”

“Pints,” Sirius corrected him, undoing his bun momentarily and shaking his hair out. “Count me in. I’ve a feeling we’ll need it!”

His stomach was still doing backflips since Remus’ name had been mentioned, and he ached to set eyes on him, the thought filling him with a mixture of dread and longing.

“Right, excellent!” grinned Peter. “See you later, Pads. Shite, I better start calling you Sirius or it’ll confuse everyone!”

“Hmm, you just don’t want us to call you Wormy in front of your new mates!” Sirius winked. “Who are you trying to impress?”

Peter blushed profusely.

“Fuck off,” he groaned. “I’m regretting you coming here already!”

“Oh I’ll find out, don’t you fret, Mr. Pettigrew!” Sirius barked a short laugh. “I’ll fill you in on the Pettigrew gossip this evening, Prongs!”

“James, not Prongs!” huffed Peter.

“Yeah, sure, no problem, Wormy!” James grinned cheekily.

“James!” warned Peter.

“Later, Prongs!” called Sirius loudly, laughing at Peter shushing him as he disappeared after James.

He pulled his hair back into a tight bun and turned to leave, arms still in the air. His elbow collided with something hard and he watched in disbelief as he saw Remus curse and fall backwards onto the floor, spouting blood from a nosebleed.

“Oh fuck! Fucking hell!” he cried out, dropping to the floor immediately.

Without thinking, he reached over and gripped Remus’ arm.

“I’m so sorry Remus!” he said. “Are you alright?”

“I’ve been better,” Remus remarked drily, holding onto the bridge of his nose to stem the bleeding.

“Right,” said Sirius, his voice shaking. “Sorry.”

He knew he was staring at Remus. Embarrassed, and annoyed at himself, he spoke without thinking:

 “So. How have you been?”

He watched Remus raise his right eyebrow and regard him impassively.

“Alright,” he answered.

Sirius swallowed nervously. He couldn’t read Remus at all, had no idea what he was thinking in that instant.

“Do you want to come for a drink with us after work tonight?” he blurted out, playing with his watch strap.

 _Oh fuck, that was a stupid, stupid thing to say at this juncture, he thought_. Remus seemed to become flustered then, his pale face slightly flushed.

“No thank you, I’m busy tonight,” he answered somewhat breathlessly.

Sirius had never been very good at controlling his feelings and he wanted to kick himself for the obvious flicker of disappointment that flashed across his face.

“No problem, another time,” he said, this time successfully keeping his tone casual.

“Sure, maybe,” muttered Remus with a sigh.

He looked annoyed, as though the invitation were an imposition. A chore. Sirius’ heart sank. _He’s not interested in you, he doesn’t even seem to like you._

“Whatever,” he shrugged, standing back up suddenly.

Remus held his gaze and nodded, his lips pursed together tightly.

Damn Remus. Damn his bloody soulful eyes and damn his bloody slim figure and damn his bloody sad aura, thought Sirius, cursing inwardly.

“Do you need a hand up,” he asked somewhat roughly, trying to disguise his true feelings.

Remus shook his head and got up unsteadily.

“See you around, Lupin,” Sirius said, looking up at him, his voice sounding distant and detached.

“Sirius,” Remus gave a curt nod.

Sirius walked off. He was furious with himself and furious with Remus. What had he ever done to Remus? Why did Remus seem to hate him? Why was his heart in his mouth, why was he as desperately in love with Remus as he had been eight years ago? He was going to have to cop the fuck on if he was going to survive working with him for the next six months at least.

Fine. If Remus wanted nothing to do with him? He’d give him what he wanted. If Remus despised him? He’d treat him the same. Scowling darkly, he made his way down to the ED, muttering to himself.

 

 

……………………………..

 

 

“The Liaison Psychiatry Department is this way,” Peter said, glancing at his watch. “I don’t want to be late for my team’s ward round with Dr. Mulciber. He goes mad if anyone is late. He’s scary as fuck! If the Hepatology outpatient clinic doesn’t run late I could text you to see if you have time to grab a ten-minute lunch?”

“Sure, thanks Wor- sorry, Pete!” James replied, grateful to have company.

“Er, James, there was one other thing I meant to tell you,” Peter said, looking nervously at his friend.

“Oh?” said James, spotting this immediately. “Go on, spit it out! It can’t be as bad as the Lily Evans thing anyway.”

“It kinda is,” said Peter, his voice squeaking a bit.

“As bad as that?” said James. “Impossible.”

He smiled ruefully.

“As bad as Lily Evans? That’s frightfully rude, isn’t it?”

They heard a snide, posh voice behind them snigger.

“So, he’s changed from being obsessed with Evans to hating her? I must fill her in, she’ll be relieved. She was disgusted when she spotted him today,” a nasal voice sneered.

James easily recognised the two.

Peter gulped.

“Shit. This is what I was talking about,” he stuttered, stepping backwards.

James turned around and found himself face to face with Evan Rosier and Severus Snape.

“Well fuck,” said James, keeping his voice calm and steady. “Peter, this day just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it?”

Peter made a small whimpering sound.

“Potter,” said Rosier, sounding like he had swallowed a cockroach.

“Rosier,” said James pleasantly. “Still a dickhead I see.”

Rosier and Snape scowled at him, eyes narrowing.

“Keep away from her if you know what’s good for you, Potter!” Snape said, curling his lip in disgust.

“You beginning to sound very repetitive. You can tell her I’ve no intention of going anywhere near her, Snivellus!” James answered, working hard to keep his tone even.

“You better not, I wouldn’t like Black’s superiors to hear about what he did to me, or how you were involved,” Snape’s lips curled into a twisted smile.

James clenched his jaw. He knew Snape had no proof that either of them was involved in the attack he had sustained, but Lily might be asked to back up Snape’s story, which she believed. What he wouldn’t give to be able to punch that bastard in the face! Stop, breathe, he forced himself to use the strategies he had learnt in his training.

“Like I said, I have no interest in bothering Evans, even if you haven’t outgrown your unrequited obsession,” said James, appraising him coldly.

He couldn’t help feeling pleased that he had struck a nerve as he noted the livid look on Snape’s face.

“Peter,” he said, jerking his head towards the door.

He watched as his friend scurried away gratefully.

“I presume you have places to be?” he said, folding his arms, and looking down at the two shorter men.

“Come on, let’s go, Severus,” said Rosier snootily. “We’ve wasted enough time on this sad bastard as it is.”

“He’s a psychiatrist, pathetic,” said Snape, as he turned his back on James. “Why am I not surprised. That’s not even proper medicine! It’s for losers.”

“Loser!” scoffed Rosier, as the two began walking away. “He probably couldn’t get on another training scheme. You’d want to be mad to waste your time treating psych cases, I can’t stand them, bunch of weirdos! My heart sinks when I have to admit one under us!”

Snape laughed quietly, half turning to catch the disgusted look on James’ face.

“Seeing as he nearly dropped out of medicine, and only passed his finals because people felt sorry for him after his parents died, I doubt he had any choice but to aim low?” Snape said. “His career prospects were doomed from the start.”

Rudeness and threats towards himself, he could deal with. Less so if they involved Sirius. But stigmatising attitudes towards mental illness, especially by other doctors? James willed himself to walk away. Just about. He doubted he would last six months in this place without socking one of them.

“Fuck them!” he said out loud, unable to hold back.

“Janey mac, I agree with you! Those two are right eejits, aren’t they?” said a booming voice behind him.

James turned to see a giant of a man with a broad beard rolling his dark eyes with disapproval.

“I’m Hagrid, Rubeus Hagrid, head of security here in St. Godric’s,” he said, extending a massive hand out to James. “Everyone calls me Hagrid, I’m not fond of Rubeus!”

“James, James Potter, Psych Registrar,” James said, looking up and taking the other man’s hand.

“I may not be a brain surgeon, but it doesn’t take much to know those two are massive wankers!” said Hagrid, shaking his head. “Don’t mind them, doc!”

James ran his hand through his hair.

“You’d be surprised how often I’ve seen doctors stigmatising mental illness, and patients with mental health issues, and staff working in the field,” he said despondently.

He wanted to have a good rant about this, but he felt it would be unprofessional to discuss it further, so he kept quiet.

“It’s alright, James, say no more!” said Hagrid knowingly, clapping a huge hand onto James’ shoulder. “There’s bastards working in medicine, same as any other profession!”

“Tell me about it! Thanks Hagrid,” said James, giving him a quick smile. “No Health Without Mental Health, eh?”*

“Very true, James, very true!” agreed Hagrid solemnly. “I couldn’t agree more. I’m glad to have you with us here in St. Godric’s, I’m sure I’ll bump into you occasionally in the ED.”

 “You know, I went through a bout of severe depression meself,” continued Hagrid, awkwardly twirling his ID badge. “Don’t know why I’m telling you this, I’ve only told a few people in all my years here. It was ages ago. I was training to be a Guard**. Some money went missing in the Garda training college and then they found out someone was also taking bribes from local big shots – to write off drunk driving charges and that. I was framed, but I couldn’t prove it. Got dismissed. I took it very bad. Ended up in the Psychiatric Unit, St. Helga’s. Professor Mc Gonagall helped me a lot, she was only a junior doctor at the time. She put me in touch with Professor Dumbledore. Great man, Dumbledore. He managed to get me a job here working in security, no idea how he did it. I’ve never let them down.”

“That’s awful, Hagrid!” said James, looking up at him indignantly. “So they never caught the bastard who framed you?”  
Hagrid shook his head and smiled.

“No, they didn’t,” he said. “I’ve made my peace with it now. Not an easy thing, mind you!”

“Accepting an injustice is never easy. It’s hard. One of the hardest things.  I know that, Hagrid,” said James, feeling a new-found respect for this gentle giant.

He thought about how angry he still felt at times when he thought about the lies that Snape had told Lily. He thought he had “radically accepted” it, a difficult skill to help emotional dysregulation, one he had learnt in his training. But today he doubted it.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a pause, as a range of emotions flashed across his face.

“You’re a good man, James,” said Hagrid, smiling at him warmly. “I feel better after talking to you, only one other person here knows about it, aside from the two Profs. I think Mc Gonagall is going to like you a lot!”

“Oh, she’s still working here?” said James.

“Yep!” grinned Hagrid. “She’s the head of St. Helga’s Unit. She’s your boss, James!”

James grinned back.

“Thanks, mate!” he said.

Hagrid watched him disappear into the door of St. Helga’s, as the person who had come up behind him watched in silence. She had heard the entire conversation.

“One of the new docs starting today, Lily,” said Hagrid, finally turning to her. “Seems very decent…”

Lily was still staring at the place where James had been standing.

“He really does,” she agreed.

“You sound a bit confused or surprised?” Hagrid asked.

“Yeah, it’s just… I don’t know what to believe anymore, who to believe…” she said quietly.

The look on James’ face when he had talked about accepting injustice, surely that related to things he was feeling himself? What if Severus had made up the entire story about the assault being related to James and Sirius? What if Snape had lied to sever her relationship with James? What if she had misjudged him? What if he was innocent? Her hand strayed up to her chest as felt a tightness in her throat and found she needed to remind herself to breathe. Her hands tingled, and her heart was racing now.

What if… ?

“Heard something bad about him? Don’t believe all malicious gossip you hear,” huffed Hagrid. “Give him a chance to defend himself. Make up your own mind.”

“I may be too late,” Lily said, more to herself than anyone else.

“I like him,” said Hagrid stubbornly. “And I’m usually right. It’s from hanging around with all my pets, you see, their intuition rubs off on me, like.”

Lily snorted.

“Uh-huh!” she said teasingly, glad to be distracted from her thoughts. “So if your pet python or tarantula takes a liking to someone, you’d vouch for them?”

Hagrid nodded.

“Yeah. Even better if Fang likes them, then they’re definitely grand!” he said.

“Fang hardly likes anyone, he’s the grumpiest dog ever!” Lily countered, laughing. “He likes Mc Gonagall, he just about tolerates Dumbledore. Same with Frank, and Alice, and they’re sweeties!”

“He likes you,” retorted Hagrid proudly. “I’ve a good mind to bring him in some day and get James to meet him. Prove you wrong!”

She was lost in thought and she seemed quite agitated, Hagrid noticed.

“I’d like that,” she said after a pause, cheeks slightly flushed.

 

……………………………..

 

The thought played on her mind all day, repeating in a never- ending refrain:

What if… ?

…………………………..

 

 

“What do you think, Sirius? Unusual symptoms in a twenty-year old with no past medical history?”

Sirius turned to nurse Fenwick. From what he had seen of him today he seemed a very hard working, capable nurse. He also had a wide, friendly smile and Sirius knew they were going to get on very well.

“You’re right. She’s very unwell - high fever, diaphoresis, agitation, hyperreflexia, atrial fibrillation, respiratory distress, diarrhoea. I think it could be a thyroid storm**, I’m waiting for bloods to come back but I’m fairly certain. It’s got a high mortality rate. I better tell Dr. Moody, and I’ll contact the endocrinology Team straight away.”

“I’ll chase up those bloods,” said Benjy, looking concerned.

Sirius nodded gratefully and walked over to Dr. Moody, feeling uncharacteristically nervous. Moody had met them all earlier and he was as intimidating as he was impressive. He had previously worked in the Irish army medical corps and served abroad on UN missions, until his leg was blown off during his time serving with the UN in Bosnia and Herzegovina during the war in the 1990s. Sirius could see he took no shit and was an excellent doctor. He really wanted to make a good impression.

“Good call, Dr. Black, excellent,” said Moody gruffly, talking in all the information Sirius had presented. “Any delay and that twenty-year-old could have died.”

“She’s not out of the woods yet,” said Sirius, trying to remain modest.

“That’s true!” barked Moody. “Constant vigilance! That’s my motto, I suggest you make it yours.”

“Yes Sir!” said Sirius.

“Dr. Moody will do,” replied the consultant, suppressing an eye roll. “You better bleep the Endocrinology team. Call Dr. Lupin, he knows what he’s doing. One of the better Senior Registrars.”

Sirius blanched.

“Well go on! Stop staring at me and get on with it!” Moody said, shooing him away.

Sirius walked back to the nurses’ station and bleeped Remus’ number. He took a few steadying breaths and gripped the stethoscope with his left hand as the phone rang. Benjy, who had been looking at him throughout this, raised his eyebrows as Sirius answered the phone.

“Yes, Dr. Lupin, I bleeped you, it’s Sirius Black,” he said, his voice curt and bordering on rude. “Patient in the ED with probable thyrotoxic crisis, needs to be admitted ASAP, probably to the high dependency unit. Bloods not all back yet. I’ve started her on IV fluids, antipyretics, antibiotics and treating her AFib. You should let your consultant know.”

He paused and waited as there was silence on the line.

“Lupin!” he said sharply. “Did you hear that?”

“Yes, thank you, loud and clear,” Remus’ sarcastic voice answered back levelly.

“Fine,” said Sirius, scowling down the phone. “Her name’s Aisling, Aisling Brady.”

The line went dead. Sirius stared in disbelief.

“Fucking hell, Lupin!” he muttered to himself angrily, as he slammed down the phone.

“Problem?” Benjy asked smoothly, a small smirk on his face.

“None whatsoever!” Sirius replied darkly, picking up the next file and scanning it moodily.

“Do you know Dr. Lupin from before?”

“Possibly,” Sirius said, behind gritted teeth.

“I’m intrigued!” said Benjy, grinning to himself.

“Don’t be,” Sirius replied, as Benjy suppressed a snort.

Sirius saw Remus arrive into the ED a short while later, looking tired and with a few drops of dried blood on his shirt, which made Sirius wince. He handed Remus the file and was about to say something, but Remus sighed and turned away without even looking him in the eye. He busied himself with writing up his notes on the elderly man with pneumonia he had just examined, listening intently to Remus’ conversation with Benjy in the cubicle behind him.

“Dr. Black was wonderful, such a lovely doctor!” said Mrs. Brady, smiling at Benjy. “Thank God he figured out what was wrong with Aisling so quickly. Is she going to be alright?”

“I hope so,” said Remus, who had finished examining the patient, who had an oxygen mask on. “She’s still very unwell though, so we’ll have to bring her to the more intensive ward for admission. She’ll be very well looked after, Mrs. Brady, and you can stay with her as long as you like. We need to arrange a few more tests, but we can do them once she’s admitted.”

He turned to the patient and smiled reassuringly.

“I’m glad you’re on the right treatment, Aisling, we’ll have you on the ward in no time, don’t worry. Benjy will take you up and make sure everyone knows exactly what the plan is, and I’ll see you in a while too, yeah?”

Aisling smiled back gratefully.

Remus excused himself and walked out with Benjy, talking quietly until Sirius heard his own name being mentioned.

“They seemed very taken with Dr. Black,” said Benjy. “very charming and very good at his job, according to them.”

“Yes, Dr. Black was always very good at the charm,” said Remus.

 Somehow, he had managing to make it sound like a flaw, Sirius thought, feeling thoroughly annoyed.

“Not a criticism that could be levelled at you, Lupin!” he retorted haughtily in his poshest accent, his chiselled features radiating contempt as he looked up from his notes.

Remus turned and looked at him blankly for a few seconds, not deigning him with a reply.

“You were saying?” he addressed Benjy, who was trying to keep a straight face as he saw Sirius’ infuriated expression.

“are the two of you always so…?” Benjy asked, waving his hand between them.

“Excuse me?” Remus’ voice sounded icy and Sirius was glad he wasn’t Benjy.

“Is there something between…?” Benjy said, waving his hand between them again.

“You’ve lost me, Benjy,” said Remus, sounding mildly irritated. “I’ll be on the bleep if you need me.”

He ignored Sirius who was now staring at him (like an idiot, he rebuked himself) and walked off, hands in his pockets.

“Tosser!” muttered Sirius, gripping his pen tightly and signing the end of his note viciously.

“Careful, you’ll rip the paper!” snorted Benjy.

Sirius muttered a curse and ignored him; his grey, dilated eyes flashing.

There had to be an interesting story behind what he had just witnessed, Benjy thought, grinning to himself…

“I’m looking forward to working with you. I’ll wager the next six months are going to prove eventful, Sirius?” said Benjy, gathering the paperwork for the High Dependency Ward. “Certainly not boring, anyhow!”

He held Sirius’ gaze and smiled.

“Ha!” Sirius laughed bitterly. “Boring doesn’t describe it, no!”

_Frustrating as fuck was closer to the mark…_

 

…………………………………..

 

Later that same evening, Remus Lupin sat down heavily on his bed, exhausted after a busy day at work. He undid his shirt buttons, staring absent-mindedly at the scars across his chest and abdomen, and collapsed onto his back, his hands over his face.

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine,” he quoted in a muffled voice, hands still covering his face, his tone hollow and raw with emotion.

He switched off the light and lay there motionless, shoes and trousers still on.

“Fuck!” he said to the darkness.

 

 

…………………………………

 

 

 

 *** “No Health Without Mental Health”** is a UK government strategy which sets out the ambition to mainstream mental health, and establish parity of esteem between services for people with mental and physical health problems. It is based on a **quote** by Dr Brock Chisholm, the first Director-General of the World Health Organization (WHO), a psychiatrist. He famously stated that “without mental health there can be no true physical health”. Unfortunately, attitudes like those expressed by Rosier and Snape are not uncommon among some doctors, and managers, and successive governments in most countries have failed to adequately resource mental health services compared to other areas of the health services. Based on needs, mental health services should receive at least 12% of the funding for the health budget (and it’s been shown it would be extremely cost-effective to do so). They typically get way less. This doesn’t bother me in the slightest as I’m sure you can tell ……. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

** An Garda Síochána more commonly referred to as the Gardaí or "the Guards", is the police force in Ireland

*** Thyroid storm/ thyrotoxic crisis: a rare but severe and potentially life-threatening complication of over-activity of the thyroid gland. It is characterised by e.g. a high fever, fast and often irregular heartbeat, vomiting, diarrhoea, and agitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that , love to hear any of your thoughts!!!  
> It was weird writing Hagrid as Irish, Moody felt right as Irish cause of the films! I'm enjoying the changes anyway!


	6. I Could Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily Evans has a bad day, and Remus Lupin has a bad night...  
> Warning: mention of Snape being a pervert/peeping Tom and Remus being in a violent relationship in the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for quietcloud - Happy Birthday, I hope you have a fabulous day!!! Thanks for all your support and kindness, you are a star :D

Chapter 6: I Could Fly

 

 

“Busy night?” asked Alice, a rueful smile on her lips as she looked at Dr. Evans.

“Pretty busy,” said Lily, looking up briefly from under the stack of files surrounding her.

Dr. Alice Prewett had recently completed her Senior Registrar training and was due to take up a post at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in six months as Consultant Cardiologist. Lily was going to miss her terribly.

“That’s over thirty files, Lily!” said Alice. “Bit of an understatement?”

“It is!” said Lily smiling at her and trying unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. “The post call ward round went on for hours! Dr. Mc Carthy nearly died!”

“You want a coffee?” asked Alice.

Lily looked wrecked. Her makeup long worn off, her eyes red, her auburn hair frizzy and her Dutch plait coming undone.

“I’d love one, Alice! You’re a star! Are you sure you have time to get one?” groaned Lily, her elbow on the desk holding her head up wearily.

“I’m getting one anyway,” Alice lied. “Back in a jiffy!”

As soon as Alice left, Lily closed her eyes briefly. She had been up for thirty-three hours so far, and she still had to finish her jobs from the ward-round and then run down to the hectic outpatient clinic. Realistically, once she finished there and completed her dictations, she still had to run back onto the ward to check on a few urgent results, so it was unlikely she would be leaving the hospital before seven or eight that evening. And she hadn’t had time for breakfast or lunch yet, just a bar of chocolate in the corridor during rounds. Her head jerked as she felt herself falling asleep.

“Lily, I was hoping we could meet up for a drink, maybe later tonight?”

Lily sat up suddenly, and stared up into Snape’s dark eyes, now inches away from her. She gripped her pen as pent up anger and frustration swelled.

“No, I will not meet you for a damned drink, Severus. How many times do I have to tell you? You are not my friend, and I am not interested in dating you, leave me alone!”

“It’s just a drink, Lily, it wouldn’t mean anything,” he retorted, his dark eyes flashing with irritation.

“I. Don’t. Want. To.” said Lily firmly. “Do you not understand the meaning of the word no?”

“There’s no need to be rude, Lily!” said Severus, his voice rising slightly.

“I’m not being rude,” sighed Lily, trying to remain calm. “I said no, and I mean no. That’s all.”

“We were friends once, best friends,” Severus said, unable to keep the bitterness from his tone. “I can’t believe you’d be so cruel as to refuse to have one measly drink with me, for old times’ sake! When you know I’m lonely in this city. That I go home to an empty apartment every day.”

“Fuck off, Severus! I’m tired of your emotional blackmail, leave me alone!” said Lily sitting up straight and glaring at him defiantly.

“I can’t believe I used to confide in you. You know more about me than anyone else in the world. I have you down as my next of kin since my parents died, and yet you won’t even spend a few minutes talking to me. I never thought you’d turn out to be so cruel, Lily!” said Severus, his voice shaking.

“Stop trying to make me feel guilty! You know very well why I don’t want to be alone with you! If you weren’t such a pervy creep, and a racist bigot, we could still be friends. It’s entirely your fault that we are no longer are,” said Lily angrily.

She was tired, and hungry, and thinking about what had happened with Severus was too distressing.

“Lily, I said I was sorry!” said Severus angrily, stepping nearer to her and placing his hand on her shoulder. “For fuck’s sake, you have to forgive me at some point and move on, start treating me normally!”

“Stay away from me!” said Lily sharply, getting up and backing away immediately. “I can’t treat you normally because you still refuse to leave me alone! If you don’t leave this minute, I’m calling security or set off my cardiac arrest bleep!”

She was backed into the corner of the small room now, unable to reach her phone. She looked dangerous.

“There’s no need for that, Lily, don’t be ridiculous,” said Severus, his voice now cold and seething. “You’re always exaggerating, making mountains out of molehills. You can’t even tell who has your best interests at heart! If you’re not careful, you’ll end up alone and friendless. You think you’re so beautiful that you can be cruel and heartless, play around with people’s feelings and get away with it? Well, you’ll be old soon. Who will want you then?”

“Leave me the fuck alone, Severus! I know you followed me to Dublin, despite the fact you despise Ireland and the Irish. I know that the only reason you’re still here is that you think you have a chance with me, that some day I’ll relent and go out with you. That I’ll return your feelings. I won’t. Ever. I’m sick of this, Severus, I’m tired of you stalking and harassing me!”

She stopped, her voice was wavering now and her eyes were filled with tears.

“Just leave me alone, find someone else,” she said. “Please!”

“It will always be you,” he said, his eyes fixed on her. “Always!”

“Is everything alright? Only I heard raised voices so I…” a low voice asked.

Lily turned towards the door. James was standing there, looking concerned but calm.

“I,” she began to say.

“Fuck off, Potter, this is none of your damned business!” said Snape furiously.

“It is my business if I think someone is harassing a colleague, Dr. Snape,” said James, walking into the small room.

He looked at Lily, his eyes full of concern and warmth.

“Dr. Evans?” he said evenly.

“It’s alright, James,” she said, struggling to sound composed. “Dr. Snape and I had a small… disagreement. He was just leaving.”

He nodded slowly, obviously not completely satisfied with her explanation, and moved aside to let Snape out. With one last intense glare at Lily, Snape left the room, elbowing past James aggressively, and knocking the files out of hands. One of the files exploded as it hit the ground and three hundred pages went flying everywhere.

James swore quietly and bent down to pick up the mess.

“I’m so sorry, James,” said Lily, quickly bending down to help.

“What are you apologising for, Lily?” said James, stopping to look her in the eye. “You did nothing wrong.”

They were so close to each other, and his kind hazel eyes were looking at her with so much affection and she wanted to reach out and touch him. Or kiss him.

“I’m pretty sure I did,” she said quietly, turning away quickly and swiping at her eyes so he couldn’t see the tears sliding down her cheeks.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he said. “I couldn’t help overhearing some of the conversation between you and Snape.”

She turned around to look at him, and immediately regretted it. He was looking at her steadily, and with a worried crease in his brow, and she could tell he was feeling sorry for her. She couldn’t deal with his kindness. Not when she was convinced now that she had wronged him completely.

“I’m so sorry, James,” she said, and she realised she was crying. “Sorry for believing what Snape said about you. I’m quite sure now that he lied to me, but at the time… I didn’t know what he was really like. We were friends. I thought he was telling the truth. I never thought he’d lie about something like that. I should have given you the chance to explain.

“Please don’t cry,” said James. “It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you.”

He hated seeing like her that, all he wanted to do was to wrap his arms around her and make her feel better, but the last thing she needed was to have another pathetic weirdo come at her, to misinterpret his concern. He stood helplessly, running his fingers through his hair and feeling his stomach twisting unpleasantly.

“You’re too kind, James Potter,” she said, taking deep breaths to steady herself.

“I’m not,” he started, shaking his head.

“You are, James, whoever you end up with is one hell of a lucky girl!” she said, half laughing and half crying.

He gave her a quick smile that didn’t reach his eyes. They looked at each other silently then, neither of them willing to say what they were thinking. James’ bleep went off and they both jumped.

“Shit, the ward,” said James, looking at the extension number. “I have to answer that. Are you sure you’re okay? I don’t like… it sounded concerning.”

“I’m fine, completely fine, sorry for delaying you, go ahead,” said Lily, awkwardly holding her arms tightly across her chest.

He paused at the door and looked back at her.

“I still consider you my friend, Lily, after all these years. I hope you know you can count on me if you’re going through anything difficult,” he said.

There was no mistaking the sincerity in his voice. They could have been more than friends. It was her fault that now they were never going to be anything more. And he should have hated her really. She didn’t deserve his friendship.

She forced herself to smile back.

“Yes of course, James, you can count on me too,” she said. “Thank you.”

He nodded, and she couldn’t shake off the feeling that he looked sad as he walked out to the nurses’ station and answered his bleep. Lily noticed the two nurses standing nearby shoot him a dirty look. She wondered why, as over the previous three months since he had started working in St. Godric’s, she had heard nothing but praise from medical and nursing colleagues, and more tellingly, from patients and secretarial staff. Praise for James as a doctor, and as a person. They hadn’t talked much. When they had spoken though, run into each other by chance, he was just as she had remembered him - warm, kind, funny, self-deprecating in a humorous way. He seemed to be avoiding her. He was definitely avoiding Snape and Rosier, but then so was she. He was also avoiding Remus Lupin, and she had no idea why.

She followed him out and waited as he took the call, noticing how well his white shirt suited him, rolled up to his elbows, the white material pulled across his broad shoulders. Pathetically.

“I have to go,” he said, putting down the phone. “Bit of a glass-related emergency.”

She raised her brow and he shrugged casually.

“Take care,” she said.

He nodded and turned to walk off.

“James!” she called after him, as he reached the end of the corridor.

He turned immediately.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, Lily” he smiled back. “Make sure you get a good sleep tonight.”

 

………………………………………….

 

 

“Dr. Potter keeping you busy?” Alice asked, handing Lily a coffee.

“Thanks,” Lily said distractedly.

She was deep in thought, staring down the now empty corridor.

“Lily, are you alright?” Alice said, crossing her arms.

“What? Sorry, yes, fine, just had a difficult conversation, that’s all,” said Lily, pushing her fringe off her face.

“You know if that git is harassing you again, you need to tell his boss, or threaten him with the Guards. Honestly, I was completely fooled by his charm, but he’s a complete prick! I can’t believe he did that to you! You should have told me, Lily,” said Alice, looking incensed.

“What do you mean?” said Lily.

“Stop acting confused, I heard about Potter stalking you when you were medical students in London,” said Alice quietly.

“Excuse me?” said Lily, looking horrified. “Where did you hear that?”

“Frank told me, he said Severus told him, asked him to keep it hush-hush, but he obviously told me…” sighed Alice, placing a hand on Lily’s shoulder.

“That’s a lie!” said Lily, gritting her teeth and looking white as a sheet. “James never did anything remotely like that, ever! How dare Snape spread lies about him. I’m going to kill him!”

“Shit, I’m sorry, Lily” gasped Alice. “But why would Severus…”

“Because he’s a lying bastard,” said Lily, her voice shaking with rage. “I’m only beginning to realise the full extent of his… awfulness.”

She gripped Alice’s shoulders.

“You’ve got to tell Frank the truth, Alice!” she said. “I will not have that bastard ruining James’ reputation!”

“Okay, sure, I’ll let him know straight away,” said Alice, looking stunned.

“Where are you going, Lily?” Alice called after her, as Lily stormed out of the ward. “The outpatient department is that way! And you’re already late!”

“I’m giving Snape a piece of my mind!” she said, without turning back, her emerald eyes blazing.

As she raced down the corridor, she saw herself back in the flat in Dagenham, that Friday evening, confronting Snape…

 

**_Eight Years Earlier…_ **

****

“Are you telling me that you installed that camera in my room, that you’ve been looking at…” she whispered, disgust overwhelming her.

“Lily, it’s not as bad as it looks, I swear,” began Severus, stepping backwards away from her.

“You’re going to stand there, and fucking defend yourself? You pervert! You disgust me!” she said, feeling nauseated.

“I’m so sorry Lily, it was a mistake! I wish I hadn’t done it! But I really love you, I always have, and it hurt me so much that you didn’t seem interested, and I just wanted to feel close to you, that’s all.”

“You love me?” said Lily, shuddering. “That isn’t love, Severus! That’s obsession! That’s wrong, Severus, it’s wrong and gross and God, I can’t believe it…”

She retched and held onto the door frame, feeling lightheaded, hyperventilating now.

“I’m going to be sick.”

She ran into the bathroom and vomited bile, crying and cursing and shaking with anger. Gripping the sink, she splashed cold water onto her face, taking deep breaths. This couldn’t be happening, maybe it was just a bad dream…

“Lily, please!”

Snape had followed her to the bathroom, he was right behind her at the door, and she stifled a scream.

“Get away from me!” she said hoarsely.

“Lily,” he said again, holding his hands in the air. “I’m not going to try anything, I never once went near you all these years!”

“Are you trying to make me think what you did was okay?” said Lily, her voice low.

When Snape didn’t answer, she took out her phone and started dialling.

“Who are you calling?” asked Snape.

“The police,” she replied shakily.

“Don’t! Lily, please!” said Snape, moving towards her again. “It was a mistake, I shouldn’t have done it, I was so upset with everything that happened recently - after I found out you had a date with Potter, and then getting attacked by Potter’s thugs two weeks ago, I could have died! And remember my mum is only dead less than a year…”

She wanted to tell him that was no excuse. But she wavered momentarily, and he seemed to sense it.

“Please, Lily, it would ruin my career!” he said desperately. “I’ll kill myself if you tell anyone, I swear I will. I’d have nothing left to live for!”

In hindsight she knew he had emotionally blackmailed her, but at the time, she faltered in her resolve. She felt stupid and foolish and idiotic, looking back on it, but at the time she couldn’t help feeling sorry for him and worrying he would follow through on his threat. He had few friends, no family, he was lonely, and bitter, and she would blame herself if anything happened …

She hung up the call. They stood facing each other.

“Right, here’s what happens, Severus,” she said, white and shivering. “You pack your belongings and leave by tomorrow, move in with Rosier or another one of your racist friends, I don’t care where you go. Our friendship is over. Don’t ever try anything like that again, with me or with anyone else, or I swear to you, I’ll go to the police and tell them everything. Is that clear?”

 “I promise it won’t happen again. And I’d never do that to anyone else, you know I love you,” he started.

“Fuck off!” Lily said. “That is not love, Severus, don’t ever say that to me again!”

He had walked off without another word. She had made up an excuse and stayed with Marlene that night. When she came back the following day, he was gone. No trace of him left in the small flat, aside from a Post-it note placed on her pillow with one word written on it.

_‘Always’_

………………………

 

 

The ED had been hectic so far that day, and Sirius was dying for a fifth cup of coffee. And having a mountain of paperwork to catch up on was putting him in a worse mood. He lifted his head as he heard James’ warm voice greeting him, and some of the tension left him.

“Hey, Pads, good to see you! Surviving?” James asked, taking in the overcrowded emergency room, and heated voices coming from a few neighbouring cubicles.

“Just about!” said Sirius, sighing dramatically. “So far I’ve seen two trauma victims from a RTA, two cardiac arrests, three fractured hips, two collapse query cause, two acute abdomens and your patient.”

“My patient?” James smiled at Sirius.

“Yeah, I know you hate when you hear patients referred to as _the hip in bed five_ or _the appendix in bed six._ I fall into it when I’m shit busy, but I never do it for psych patients, ever. Positive discrimination, I suppose, seeing as they usually get the opposite treatment! And I don’t want an earful from you either,” Sirius grinned back.

“Damn right!” said James, looking pleased. “I can be very annoying when I get on my high horse.”

“Is he okay, though, Oscar Quinn?” said Sirius quietly. “He didn’t look great to me.”

“No, you were right, he’s not well. The poor bloke recently lost his job, which was completely unexpected, and then he stopped taking his meds, and now he’s very paranoid. Utterly convinced that terrorists are out to get him, and someone has planted a microchip in his ear. He’s lost lots of weight, believes someone is poisoning his food, and he was dehydrated as well. I managed to talk him around and he’s decided to come into hospital for a short admission. For some reason the abnormal bloods seemed to convince him,” said James, sounding relieved.

“How’d you do that?” asked Sirius in amazement. “He wouldn’t tell me anything at all! I couldn’t even get him to answer yes or no. Absolutely terrified of all the ED staff. I was convinced he was going to leave without being seen.”

“Training?” shrugged James.

“Training my arse, Dr. Potter!” said Benjy, joining the conversation. “I’ve seen you dealing with very tricky situations here for the past few months, and I’m telling you - you’re good. Very good. And you give a shit, unlike those with burnout.”

James looked embarrassed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Well, that’s pretty normal,” he began.

“Which of you is the Psych Reg?” an angry voice asked.

They all turned to see a small, tight-lipped, short-necked woman wearing a pink suit.

“Who are you?” demanded Sirius, scowling at her rudely.

“I’m Dr. Umbridge, I’m the locum consultant taking over from Dr. Moody in the immediate to medium term. Dr Moody is unwell, and I shall be taking over as Head of the ED. Going forward I shall be implementing some much-needed change initiatives. I refer to major quality and efficiency improvement protocols and policies. Do I make myself clear, Doctor?”

Sirius felt unwell himself, looking at her fake, sickly-sweet smile.

“All too clear,” he replied drily.

“Psych Reg?” she repeated, looking at them in turn.

“Dr. Potter,” said James, unable to bring himself to extend a handshake.

“Oh good,” she smiled again. “You might note for future reference I don’t want psychiatric patients crowding my department. I don’t want them here, and I don’t want to encourage them to come here. Do I make myself clear?”

“No, you don’t,” replied James, staring at her angrily. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I want your type of patients assessed as quickly as possible and discharged immediately, except under exceedingly exceptional circumstances. Understood?” she said in an unusually cheerful voice, blinking at him rapidly.

“I will continue to assess my patients as quickly as I can, and discharge them unless there are serious risk management concerns,” James replied stiffly.

He hated management jargon, but he guessed Dr. Umbridge would approve and he noted the confused look on her face.

“Good, good, excellent… I think?” she said, narrowing her beady eyes. “Now, nurse Fenwick, could you please move that psych patient to St. Helga’s ward immediately?”

Dr. Umbridge walked off with Benjy, looking self-important.

“You’ve no intention of doing anything differently, do you?” Sirius said to James quietly, glaring after her retreating figure.

“Fuck no, Not a chance,” James said grimly. “She can fuck off.”

“Ha! Jolly good. Wait till Mc Gonagall hears about her!” snorted Sirius.

He loved Professor Mc Gonagall and got on very well with her. They looked at each other and grinned widely. Minerva would not put up with discrimination.

“As it happens, I have supervision with her now,” said James, winking at Sirius. “Talk later!”

“All very well for you, Prongs,” Sirius huffed. “I’m stuck here with her in the ED, and I swear if she does anything like that again, I’m literally going to scream at her!”

“Try to avoid her, alright?” said James sympathetically. “Don’t do anything stupid!”

He gave Sirius a sharp look.

“Alright, I’ll try,” Sirius sighed. “But it’s going to drive me fucking…”

He was going to say drive me to drink and drugs, but he knew James wouldn’t appreciate that humour.

“Yeah, she is!” James said, squeezing his arm sympathetically. “Don’t get fired, I can’t afford the rent on my own!”

Sirius grunted, and nodded. Of all the things James could have said, that was by far the most motivating sentence he could have chosen. He was not going to let James down.

 

 

……………………………………………

 

 

“Snape. Outside. Now.”

Sirius looked up from the nurses’ station. Lily looked furious. Absolutely furious. Having to interact with Snape (albeit minimally) had been driving him bonkers. For the past few months they had hardly uttered a word to each other and Snape had been downright rude to him. Feeling guilty every time he saw Snape didn’t exactly help the situation. And he had been that close to losing it completely today, between him and Umbridge. Snape had been talking to Sinead Barry, one of the Nurse Managers, but there was no mistaking the trepidation in his eyes when he turned to look at Lily. Sirius tried unsuccessfully to stop himself from grinning, caught Benjy’s eye and winked.

“Excuse me, Lily, I’m busy,” Snape began coldly.

“Oh I don’t think you are, Snape. Outside. Now,” Lily said, narrowing her eyes.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Snape said to the Nurse Manager hurriedly, following Lily outside the Emergency Department front doors.

The sliding doors slid shut behind them, and Sirius strained to hear what the raised voices were saying.

“I’m just popping out for a quick smoke,” said Sirius lightly, shutting the file he was working on. “I haven’t taken a break in hours.”

Benjy raised his brow knowingly.

Sirius ignored him and slipped quietly out the side door. Snape had his back to him, but he could see Lily, in the process of tearing into Snape.

“… when you already ruined my friendship with him by lying to me about the assault all those years ago… and now trying to ruin James’ reputation like that, how dare you! I can’t believe you would do something like that!”

Snape’s reply was guarded and low, so Sirius couldn’t catch what he said, but it clearly hadn’t gone down too well with Lily.

“… you have the nerve to say those things about him, when it was you? When _you_ were the one who… in Dagenham… I should have gone to the police then… I should never have given you a chance!”

He heard Snape try to interrupt Lily then and was unable to catch the gist of the conversation that followed, except the very end.

“I don’t care, Snape! I want to hear proof that you retracted those lies about James Potter by the end of the week, or I swear to God, I’m going to the Garda Station after work on Friday!”

“Fine, calm down, Lily! I’ll tell them it was a mistake, that the information I got was incorrect!” Snape’s voice had risen now.

“You better, and make it crystal clear, or I’ll be very happy to fill them in and tell them exactly what happened!” Lily said furiously.

“You wouldn’t!” said Snape, aghast.

“Oh it would be humiliating, yes, but I’d tell them in a heartbeat!” replied Lily. “I won’t stand by and let you do that to him!”

“You’re still obsessed with James Potter, aren’t you?” sneered Snape, taking a step closer to her, now sounding livid in his own turn. “I remember watching you back then, drooling over him, so pathetic to see. Still panting after him now, like you used to, in your room, are you? Still thinking about him when you’re alone? I remember watching you, when you made yourself -“

Sirius saw Lily’s face turn white.

“You disgust me,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “You have two days.”

 

……………………………………

 

It was getting dark, the full moon risen by now and casting an eerie light over the carpark and open spaces around St. Godric’s Hospital. Remus shivered. He wished he had put on another long-sleeved t-shirt underneath his scrubs. He wished he had managed to swap out of call tonight. He was so well prepared that he usually arranged it so he took a day off at that time of the month, and was not on the rota. Lily Evans had been brilliant, she always agreed to swap with him if necessary, without asking any questions. He doubted she or anyone else had observed a pattern. But tonight he was stuck in the hospital. He felt wretched – his heart pounding in his ribs, beads of sweat on his brow, hands cold and clammy, pins and needles in his hands and around his lips. Fuck. He was hyperventilating. He really needed to calm down immediately. He willed himself to tear his eyes away from the window. Forget about the moon…

“Dr. Lupin, can you hurry up and talk to Dr. Black about that admission?” said Ms. Barry, in her no-nonsense, bossy voice which tonight Remus found quite irritating.

“Wonderful,” he muttered to himself. “And I thought tonight couldn’t get any better!”

“Look Lupin, I’m tired of this crap. I’ve done fuck all to annoy you since I started working here. What the fuck is your problem? Why are you being such a bastard? Answer me!”

It was Sirius, his eyes flashing with annoyance and hurt and sadness. But Remus didn’t see that. He didn’t see Sirius at all. He just heard the words.

_“Why are you being such a bastard? Answer me!”_

**_Thirteen Years ago…_ **

And he was immediately back there. On that lonely piece of road near Carreg Cennen, beautiful and isolated, the full moon high in the cloudless sky. In the grey 1980s vintage sports car with Fen. Staring into his screaming face, trying to grope blindly for the door handle, as he heard Fen press the button and both car doors lock.

“Why are you being such a bastard? Answer me!”

Fenrir was terrifying, and so much larger than him, and he was trapped in the car with him. In the middle of nowhere.

“I… Fen, calm down, I’ll talk to you if you promise to calm down,” Remus said quietly, with a slight tremble in his voice, gripping the sides of his seat.

“Oh yes, first you avoid me completely, fucking report me to the police for stalking you, but now you’ll talk if I calm down?” Fenrir’s laugh was frenzied and cold and Remus shivered involuntarily. “You don’t want me any more though, do you?”

Remus’ mouth was dry, his heart pounding. There was no way out. Fenrir was a psychopath. And the thought of all the shit he had put up with, how stupid he had been not to report Fenrir at the beginning when things started to go wrong, the hell he had put him through, how he had lured him here in the car…

“No, Fen, it’s over,” he said, surprising himself at how calmly he was facing this, whatever this was.

“Is it, Rem?” sneered Fenrir. “Well, have it your way. It’s over, but in more ways than one.”

He put his foot down hard on the accelerator and the car revved loudly, dark smoke enveloping them. He turned and stared at Remus with a cruel smile.

“I’ve had enough, if I can’t have you, then nobody else can either. You’re coming with me, I'm going to fly you to the moon!”

He let go of the break suddenly, and the sports car screeched forwards at breakneck speed, hurtling down the country lane, at ever increasing speed.

“What the fuck are you doing?” screamed Remus, frantically trying to grab the steering wheel, as the car lurched from side to side.

“We’re going over that cliff,” Fenrir’s growl lost amid the roar of the engine.

“Stop, for God’s sake Fen, stop it!” he called desperately.

Screaming and grabbing the wheel and trying desperately to punch Fenrir in the face as the cliff grew closer and closer and at the last second, just as he thought it was too late, the car swerving violently and rolling over three times, splintering slivers of glass impaling themselves on his face and back and chest and arms, the sound of bending metal and burning petrol and suddenly coming to a standstill as the car stopped turning mid-air and fell back heavily onto its side. Before he blacked out, seeing Fenrir, bright under the clear moonlight… with a shard of glass sticking out of his throat, lifeless eyes still open, open mouth still smiling, pointed canine visible, a dribble of blood running down the edge of his lip…

 

……………………………….

 

“Stop, for God’s sake Fen, stop it!” Remus whispered hoarsely, his eyes glazed over and terrified.

As Sirius watched in utter confusion, he backed towards the wall, and slumped slowly to the floor, his hands covering his face.

“Stop the car, please!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts so far on the story??  
> For anyone reading this, I'm very busy at the moment so apologies if my updates are a bit slow over the next 2 months.  
> Love it if you leave comments, they make me smile :)


	7. I Could Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and James try to help Remus and James wins over Lily Evans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (belated) Birthday @jinxedseries, in your honour I added the James attributes you said you liked, lol!!
> 
> Warning: contains mention of racist and homophobic insults

 

 

 

I Could Live

 

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” whispered Sirius, staring at the screen of his mobile. “Answer the fucking phone, Prongs!”

He bent down beside Remus again.

“I’m so sorry, Remus, so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, keeping some distance between them and speaking in a gentle tone. “You’re safe now. You’re okay.”

“Thank fuck!” he sighed with relief as his phone lit up and James’ name flashed in front of him.

He moved away from Remus, careful to keep him in his line of vision and whispered urgently.

“Prongs, you need to get here right now, it’s an emergency! Remus is having some sort of a flashback or dissociating or something, he’s in a bad way and he’s on call! There’s no way he’s fit to work. Fuck, I’ve no idea what to do or what I did wrong!”

“Alright Pads, calm down, I’ll be over immediately.”

Sirius let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and ran a shaky hand down his face.

“Thanks Prongs, I owe you! Can I ask you for one more favour?”

He heard James groan at the other end of the call. When he didn’t get an outright refusal, he reckoned it was worth a shot.

“As far as I know, Evans is the only person who Lupin is vaguely friends with. She hates me more than she does you. I really need you to call her and ask her to come in and cover Lupin’s call, otherwise I’ll have to tell the Consultant on call, and I just don’t think that’s fair on him…” his voice trailed off.

“Shit!” said James, sounding worried. “She was on last night, Pads.”

“Please?”

There was silence.

“That’s all I need now, to be calling her at this time of the night like a weirdo when she hasn’t even given me her mobile number.”

“Please?”

“I’ll ask her,” James said eventually. “But you’ll have to get me her number.”

“You’re a saviour!” said Sirius.

 

…………………

 

 

“Remus, listen to me, you’re here in the ED in St. Godric’s Hospital. You’re sitting on the cold floor, and I’m placing a cold bottle of water in your hands,” said James quietly.

They were in a corner of the department, well-hidden from the rest of the staff, the cubicle curtain drawn across. The nurses who had walked past Remus had readily believed Sirius when he said that Remus had been feeling dizzy and had fainted, and was getting a lift home.

Remus seemed to focus on James momentarily as the cold plastic touched his hands.

“Excellent, Remus,” he continued. “Now I’m going to get a wet towel and place it on your face.”

Remus took a deep breath as the freezing cold material made contact with his closed eyes and cheekbones. He blinked a few times.

“Drink the water,” said James.

Remus did as he was told, his eyes less glassy as he took in his surroundings and his gaze settled on Sirius. Sirius, looking worried and harassed. Fuck. What had Sirius seen?

“We need to talk,” said James after some time, in a steady voice, motioning towards the side door.

“Fuck! I need to get back to work!” Remus exclaimed, going pale and looking at his watch.

“You’re in no fit state to work, mate!” said James, helping him up. “It’s alright, Evans is covering for you.”

“Oh God!” said Remus “This is a mess!”

His voice was shaking uncontrollably.

“I’m terribly sorry, Lupin,” said Sirius, looking at Remus anxiously as though afraid to get any closer. “I don’t know what I said wrong, I didn’t mean-“

“Please!” Remus interrupted him. “It’s just me. You did nothing wrong. I’m a fucking mess…”

He couldn’t stand the look of pity in Sirius’ eyes. He looked at the ground and wished it would swallow him up.

“Potter, can we go outside for a moment?” he said, his voice harsher than he anticipated.

“Of course,” James said, nodding at Sirius as he followed Remus outside.

 

………………………..

 

“Yeah, he tried to kill me, well, kill us both, I suppose,” Remus said, wishing to God his voice would stop sounding so fragile.

“That’s fucking horrendous, Remus, I’m so sorry,” said James.

Remus didn’t reply, just shrugged non-committally, and stared at the ground.

“Anyone would be traumatised after going through that, how could you not be?”  said James, his voice sounding concerned.

“I’m fine, really,” said Remus. “It’s ridiculous, it happened twelve years ago, I should have gotten over it.”

 He clenched his jaw, clearly irritated by the way James was manoeuvring the conversation.

“It’s PTSD, you know that, don’t you?” said James, looking straight ahead at the parked cars, under the orange glow of the street lights.

“Obviously,” said Remus stiffly. “I’m not stupid.”

“Why didn’t you get help?” asked James.

There was no judgement in his voice.

“Pride? Stupidity? Take your pick,” he said, with a bitter laugh.

“Or fear?” said James, leaning against the wall.

Remus sighed heavily.

“Probably,” he muttered. “Alright, fear then. Definitely fear… every time I have to remember what happened I’m fucking terrified and the thought of having to do that…”

He took a few deep breaths to steady himself.

“I’m too much of a coward. And I’ve no time. How do I explain to my Consultant that I need to disappear every week for fucking therapy?” he said, closing his eyes momentarily. “It’s not exactly going to look good on my CV if they know I’m weak.”

“Don’t you dare think that, Remus Lupin!” shot back James, his hazel eyes blazing. “There’s nothing weak about what happened to you, or the fact you need help. In fact, facing this trauma is a very brave thing to do.  Facing your fears is quite the opposite of weakness!”

There were tears in Remus’ eyes as he looked at James briefly and nodded.

“Look, it’s entirely up to you, Remus, I don’t want to pressure you into this,” said James. “It’s your decision. But Mc Gonagall is trained in EMDR*, it’s one of her areas of expertise. And she’s brilliant, I’d trust her with my life. She’d take you on in a heartbeat, give you an appointment that’ll minimally interfere with your work. She’s always talking about doctors needing to look after their own mental health.”

“Bet you’ve never had mental health problems,” said Remus with a forced laugh. “Fuck, sorry, that’s none of my business, Potter,”

“It’s fine,” said James. “I’m not sure…”

It didn’t qualify as a mental illness, but seeing his parents dying within a day of each other and seeing Sirius falling apart? It had been a struggle. It was definitely part of the reason he had decided to become a Psychiatrist.

“I think I have some idea,” he eventually said.

“I’ll think about it,” Remus said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Remus nodded.

He looked wrecked.

“Do you need a lift home?” James asked.

Afraid he might cry, Remus shook his head and gave a weak smile.

“I need to find Sirius if he’s still here, and apologise for my behaviour,” he murmured.

“No need, I promise you, Sirius is all bravado and nonsense, but he’s actually a very decent chap underneath it all and he won’t ask any questions or tell anyone else,” said James quickly.

“Nevertheless, I want to,” said Remus.

He looked white-faced and exhausted, like he might keel over and faint any minute.

“Fine, but fuck off home then, for goodness sake, Lupin,” said James crossly. “You need to get some sleep!”

“You remind me of my dad, Potter!” said Remus, giving James the first genuine smile he had seen that night. “I promise I’ll fuck off as soon as I find Sirius.”

“Good, see that you do!” said James, grinning at him and giving him a light poke in the arm, as they both headed back inside the building.

 

………………………….

 

He saw Sirius sitting at the hospital reception area, on his own, leaning forwards, his elbows resting on his knees, his glossy hair spilling over his face, playing with his mobile phone. The wide echoing space looked unusual in the dim light, the rows of empty seats like a deserted departure lounge. As soon as he heard footsteps approaching, Sirius’ head shot up as though on high alert. He looked like a model from an ad campaign for designer aftershave.

“Remus!” he said, standing up immediately and coming towards him.

He could see Remus looking flushed and embarrassed.

“I’m so sorry,” Sirius said in a strained voice. “I don’t want to annoy you, I literally just wanted to apologise for earlier. I couldn’t leave without doing that first, Remus. I’m desperately sorry-“

Remus held up his hand.

“Please, Sirius, I came to apologise to you! I’m the one who fell apart in front of you for no good reason. I mean, there was a reason, but… well,” he faltered.

Sirius stepped forward.

“You don’t need to say anything else. I don’t need to know, Remus. It’s your business. I just hope… you’ll be alright, will you?”

It was a stupid time for his body to remind him that he fancied the hell out of Sirius, that Sirius was the best-looking man he had ever laid eyes on, and that seeing him like this – all kindness, and gentleness and regret - was a massive turn on. It was stupid because Sirius clearly thought he was a freak and was just feeling sorry for him.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” he said, his voice slightly ragged. “I assure you that won’t happen again.”

“Right,” said Sirius, swallowing hard. “I don’t care if it does, just so you know.”

He felt a strong urge to hug Remus and kiss him and tell him if he ever found out who the fuck this Fen guy was, he would kick the shit out of him. Remus with his pale face and soft hair, and his tired moss-green eyes. With the same tall, lean body he had always admired, and the new pale scars across his face which he definitely hadn’t noticed as much back in college.

“And thanks for asking Lily to cover my call, I appreciate that,” Remus said, the veneer of formality and distance back in place, as quickly as it had disappeared.

“See you tomorrow so?” said Sirius, reluctantly stalling, as he turned his phone absentmindedly in his hands.

“See you then,” said Remus.

The stiff smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“I don’t suppose you’d care for a drink or dinner sometime?” said Sirius, turning back at the last minute as he prepared to walk off.

“Sorry?” said Remus, turning slightly red, convinced he had misheard Sirius.

“Er, just a coffee, maybe?” Sirius said, looking at Remus with evident embarrassment.

“What do you mean?” he said gruffly.

“Never mind,” said Sirius hurriedly, avoiding his gaze, the zip on his leather jacket catching as he struggled to close it. “See you tomorrow.”

As soon as Sirius’ figure disappeared out the sliding doors, Remus kicked the metal chair nearest to him.

“Well done, Remus, you fucking idiot!” he choked out.

He didn’t want Sirius to feel sorry for him, he didn’t want to be a charity case. Please God nobody ever saw him like this again. It was beyond humiliating. He had ruined any and all chances of ever rekindling his “relationship” with Sirius. Not that he ever stood a chance where that man was concerned. Sirius Black was an angel and he might as well just forget about him because nothing was ever going to happen there. Tonight had just been the nail in the coffin.

For his own sake though, and to avoid this horrendous situation ever happening again, he was going to have to take James Potter up on his offer.

 

……………………

 

James wasn’t sure if he should wait until Remus came out and offer him a lift home, but he was going to anyway. Sirius had walked past him hurriedly, saying he wanted to go for a walk on his own, looking decidedly unhappy. It was cold outside, and it had started to rain. He moved to stand under the covered entrance to the main hospital, wishing his old Belstaff jacket was more waterproof. From there James recognised Dr Asim Khalid, one of the other Psychiatry Registrars, leaving by one of the fire exists and walking over to the on-call rooms. Suddenly two men appeared out of the shadows, blocking his path.

“Fuck off back to Africa, you bastard!” one of them said.

“Yeah, taking our jobs, you black-“ the other began, taking a bottle out.

Dr Khalid was impressively tall, well over six foot three, and he looked at the two men as though they were inconvenient distractions.

“Hey! You!” shouted James, walking over immediately. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You racist bastards!”

The two men stopped short, eying James with contempt.

“And who the fuck gave you the right to tell us what to do, you English prick!”

“Yeah, you and your loser gay friend. Sirius, isn’t it? You can tell him we don’t want gays here, and especially not English gays, you-“

“Don’t you dare say another word!” said James, looking furious. “You as much as say one word against Sirius or try to lay a hand on him, and I swear to fuck, you’ll be sorry!”

If there was one sure way to make James livid, it was anyone threatening his family or friends. And Sirius was both. It worried him that these thugs knew Sirius’ name. And he detested racists and bigots, one of the main reasons he and Snape had hated each other in college. He certainly wasn’t going to let them threaten Asim and get away with it.

The man with the bottle stepped forwards towards James, and as Dr. Khalid tried to intervene, the other man aimed a punch at his face, and in that split second the bottle hit James squarely over his forehead. He fell back onto the road, his head hitting the ground with a thud, and he blacked out immediately.

 

………………………….

 

When he came to, he was lying on a hospital trolley, with a splitting headache. He opened one eye and blinked at the bright light. Sirius and a beautiful woman with red hair, who seemed remarkably familiar, were bending over him and a nurse was checking his blood pressure.

“Stupid idiot! What the hell was he thinking?” the red-haired doctor said crossly.

She was biting her lip and frowning anxiously.

“My knight in shining armour!” smiled Asim, who was sitting in the corner of the cubicle looking relaxed and unperturbed. “Went ballistic when he heard their racist bullshit, and practically popped a blood vessel when they slagged you off, Sirius!”

“Sounds about right,” Sirius’s face betrayed too many emotions, and he coughed self-consciously.

“Silly idiot!” repeated the red-head, her worried eyes sweeping over his face with a fond look, as she absentmindedly stroked his hair.

“Not the first time he’s done something like this,” continued Sirius, swinging his right foot onto his left knee and slouching into the chair.

“What do you mean?” said the red-head.

Her fingers were stroking the side of James’ face and he closed his eyes and smiled to himself.

“Oh, you know, he got beaten up pretty badly in London, coming to the aid of a racist bastard who was being beaten up by some thugs,” said Sirius, annoyed with himself when he heard his voice crack as he spoke. “He didn’t even like the chap.”

The red-haired doctor went white.

“Are you telling me he got hurt trying to help Snape?”

Her voice was wavering and urgent.

“Yeah, suppose I am,” Sirius said, looking at her accusingly.

“Oh my God!” she whispered. “I didn’t know. I thought…”

She looked pretty distraught, considering she didn’t really know him, James thought. But he didn’t like seeing her upset, for some reason.

“You thought wrongly,” said Sirius.

He folded his arms and stared back at her. She blinked first.

“S’not her fault, Pads!” said James.

His voice sounded rugged and quite sexy, James thought, better than his usual voice. He grinned to himself as he saw her drop her hand away from his face in shock.

“Morning beau’iful!” he said, looking up at her, realising his voice sounded slightly slurred.

“It’s alright so, he’s completely fine, same dorky idiot as ever,” snorted Sirius.

The look of relief on his face rather giving away how worried he had been for James’ safety, his recent encounter with Remus momentarily forgotten as soon as he had heard Asim’s shouts from the carpark and had raced over to help.

“Well, she _is_ bloody fab’lous,” James said, giving the red-head a cocky grin. “You’re gorgeous.”

She raised her brows and the beginnings of a smile played on her lips.

“You sound pissed, Dr. Potter!” she said.

He shook his head with exaggerated movements.

“That’s me, isn’t it? No, no, no,” he sighed dramatically, wincing as the movement made his headache worse. “Sober ‘s a judge, that’s me… I’m a very good judge of people, and I think you’re perfect!”

“Though not as perfect as Evans,” he added, with a slight frown. “No, she’ compl’ly perfect. Sorry, no can do, my heart belongs to Evans!”

Sirius snorted again, his mischievous smile mocking her face, which had turned beetroot red.

She shook her head and laughed lightly, clearing her throat and fixing her loose bun again, for the second time in the space of a minute.

“Prongs my dear, you are going to be utterly mortified when I remind you of this!” laughed Sirius, unable to wipe the grin off his face.

“What? Nooo,” said James, with a good-natured laugh. “I’m ‘n love with Lilyevans. Have been, for fugging ages… years prob’bly… but she hates me, yeah, sad… tragic! Thinks I beat up her best friend… racist bastard… but I never did.”

James shook his head again.

“Ouch, fugging head!” he muttered. “She hates me and I love her, s’wrong, isn’t it? She’s the best woman I know, Sirius! I’m always talking about Evans, amn’t I, Pads? Beautiful, kind and fuggin’ perfect… and a bit scary sometimes, t’be honest. Looks very like you, Doc!”

He looked at her and blinked a few times. She couldn’t help smiling back gently at him. She glanced at Sirius self-consciously – he caught the high flush on her face and laughed again.

“Stop laughing, you’re a pain in the arse!” she said, biting her lip. “He’s had a head injury, including to the frontal cortex, so he’s a bit disinhibited at the moment, that’s all.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not true though,” said Sirius, folding his arms and surveying Lily with a sober expression.

“What?” said James, ruffling his hair and looking confused. “Of course it’s true, why else d’you think I turned down that pretty girl… whatshername?”

“Viv, the gorgeous physio?” smirked Sirius, winking at Lily.

He was pleased to note that Lily looked very put out by this piece of information.

“Yeah, her, lovely person! Fabulous legs, very funny, made me laugh,” said James, sweeping his arm across and practically hitting his face. “Couldn’t take her on a date though, when I’m bloody pining after Lilyevans, eh?”

She stared at him. Her pupils were wide and Sirius was fairly convinced he could see her jugular pulse racing.

“Evans,” James mused, closing his eyes wearily. “I missed her... hadn’t seen her in so long, and now she’s here, and I get to see her and... s’not enough, though, see? I’d love to kiss her!”

“Maybe you should start by asking her out on a date, preferably when your brain is back to normal?” she quipped.

“You reckon, Doc?” said James happily, surveying her as though in awe. “Do I know you? Your name is on the tip of my tongue, like I know you really well?”

“Ha! He had no difficulty remembering _my_ name!” scoffed Sirius triumphantly.

The red-head made a face.

“So mature, doctor!” laughed Sirius.

He seemed to be enjoying riling up the lovely red-headed doctor.

“Yes, well, Dr. Potter, I'll send you a text. I quite fancy going out for dinner, my treat,” she said, squeezing James’ hand. She planted a soft kiss on his cheek, and raising her brows with a superior air, she swept past Sirius.

“James, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that was a bloody brilliant performance!” said Sirius, prodding James’ arm.

“Ouch, sod off!” groaned James. “Whaddayamean?”

“My lips are sealed, mate!” said Asim, grinning at Sirius, as he pulled back the curtain. “The CT brain should be done any minute.”

James sighed happily and dozed off, unclear why he felt so light-hearted and warm. Perhaps it was hypotension**.

Or pyrexia**.

Or something akin to love.

 

 

..............................

 

 

*EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing, a type of therapy used to treat PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

 

** Hypotension – low blood pressure

      Pyrexia –  high temperature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that chapter, any comments really welcome.. prepare yourselves for MAJOR DRAMA in next chapter!!!


	8. Let Me Know The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do James and Lily get together, do Sirius and Remus? And something bad happens...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Reference to drugs/drug abuse, Snape being a perv, reference to PTSD, Umbridge is anti trans/transphobic

Chapter 8: Let Me Know The Truth

 

“This is perfect, James, just perfect!”

They sat on top of the dark rocks looking out at Howth Harbour, watching the little white sailing boats. The gulls swooping overhead and the white horses on the waves completed the nod to white details in the landscape. It was an unseasonably hot Autumn day. Lily lay back down and closed her eyes, smiling dreamily. She felt the warmth of the afternoon sun on her body, and the warmth in her chest that had everything to do with the gorgeous man lying beside her. What a perfect first date.

“Glad you think so!” said James, grinning down at her.

He still felt bad for not booking a table at The Greenhouse, one of Dublin’s best restaurants. Once upon a time he would have thought nothing of it, but times had changed, and he couldn’t afford it. Rents in Dublin were surprisingly expensive, and his junior doctor salary was not very generous. Nothing felt good enough for a date with Evans. Eventually he had settled for a walk by the sea. He couldn’t have picked a better day for it. Maybe fate was smiling at him this time.

“Hey, look at the rabbits,” he said softly, inclining his head slightly.

Lily immediately looked up, the smile on her face growing.

“Oh James! That’s just so sweet!” she said quietly. “What is it with you? You managed to spot a fox, a seal, a hare, and now these guys!”

James shrugged.

“Oh you know, animal magnetism?” he winked.

“You daft eejit!” Lily snorted, smacking him lightly on his arm. “This is precisely the kind of nonsense you used to spout in college!”

“The nonsense you fell for, you mean?” he laughed, the sunlight sending his hazel eyes sparkling mischievously.

“The nonsense that made me think for years that you were a big-headed git, Potter,” she teased, leaning into him, her lips tantalisingly close to his.

He opened his mouth to retaliate but it was suddenly too much - her closeness, the vivid green of her eyes against the bright blue sky, the curve of her arched eyebrows, the upturn of those lips, the burning blaze of her hair, cascading down her shoulders, the freckles under her eyes. She must have heard his heart hammering, or seen the longing in his eyes, for all of a sudden, she had pulled back.

“Do you want to go for a swim?” she blurted out.

“What?” he said.

“Come on, you’ll love it! The sea is warmer than you think this time of year! Or are you not willing to brave the Irish Sea?” the challenge in her voice made him groan.

“What’s the point of bringing me on a date to the sea if we don’t swim, Dr. Potter?” she laughed, throwing her head back. “And I wore my bikini, and I brought a towel. Come on!”

That piece of information made him suddenly feel very warm.

“Oh fuck!” muttered James, smiling wryly as Lily pulled him up. “If I’d known, I’d have worn my lenses!”

“Come on, no excuses!” Lily said. “Scared, Potter? I didn’t realise English guys were wimps!”

“Scared?” he scoffed, pulling off his jumper and t-shirt in one go. “Looks to me like you’re the one stalling, Evans!”

She was stalling. Technically, she was just staring at him. Alright, she was damn well ogling Potter. Fact. She felt herself blush furiously.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, looking a bit dazed. “I’d forgotten you looked like that. I mean, from the anatomy tutorials and all that…”

“Huh?” said James, who was too busy taking off his trousers to be paying attention.

“Fuck,” said Lily, who was now staring at his muscular back and thighs, as she absentmindedly bit her lip.

“Did you hurt yourself?” James asked, turning around in his boxers and looking at her with concern.

She was nearly thirty. She was bloody well nearly thirty and she was acting like a love-sick teenager. Like she was back in college all over again, drooling over Potter and pretending she thought he was an idiot. And then becoming friends with him, practically best friends with him, and still pretending she didn’t practically swoon every time she saw him. Because by then she knew he was also kind, and funny, and so clever it hurt, and silly, and generous to a fault, and fiercely loyal, and laughed at himself all the time, and watched out for weaker students, and stood up to racist bigots and made her smile and laugh. And she was in love with him. Sitting next to him in the library despite the fact she could concentrate on fuck all when he was beside her, looking at his beautiful forearms, and his strong jaw, and his messy black hair, and his beautiful eyes and…

“Fuck!” Lily said.

“Er, Lily?” said James.

“Sorry, yeah,” she managed to say. “I, er, stubbed my toe.”

“Here, let me!” he said, dropping to his knees.

 “I’m fine,” she said in a strangled voice, looking at the man kneeling in front of her.

“I always liked your feet,” said James, gently moved her toes. “You have uncommonly nice feet. And I like blue nail varnish, it always suited you.”

“You really are a charmer, as though you remember my feet!” she laughed quietly, running her fingers through his hair momentarily.

“I’m not!” he huffed, looking at her with a strange look in his eyes.

He stood up.

“I love lots of things about you. I love that you always paint your toenails blue. I love that you only properly wake up after 11am. I love that when you laugh, you throw your head back and close your eyes. I love that when you study, you highlight everything single word on the page. I love that you rub your sternum when you’re anxious and bite your lip when you try something new. I love that you always stop and talk to dogs when you’re out walking. I love that you call me out on bullshit. I love that you make ridiculous excuses for your awful sister, cause you still care, despite it all. I love that you’re too kind, and you give people too many chances.”

Except him. She had been too hard on him, and she had been wrong. She was looking at him with genuine regret.

“Not really,” she said.

She suddenly didn’t feel particularly confident. He was gorgeous, and she had seen him like this before, rolled her eyes at dozens of girls making heart eyes and him and at Sirius. And he had never seen her in a bikini before today…

He didn’t have his glasses on though, thank God.

“Last one in buys lunch!” she said, biting her lip, as she threw off her clothes at an alarming speed and sped past a stunned James Potter.

“Hey!” he shouted indignantly, as a beautiful blur of auburn hair and jade green bikini disappeared. “I can’t see a thing without my glasses!”

“English wimp!” she shouted back, as she dove head first into the sea.

“Evans, you’re so dead!” said James, unable to stop the laughter that bubbled up from inside him as he raced after her.

“Fucking hell! It’s fucking freezing, Evans!” he gasped a few seconds later.

“English wimp!” she laughed, treading water nearby and splashing his face in amusement.

“That’s it, Evans!” he spluttered. “This is all out war!”

He dived under water and she screamed and giggled as he grabbed hold of her legs and ducked her under the water.

 

………………

 

 

Afterwards they feasted on fish and chips wrapped in newspaper, huddled in a shivery mess on a bench overlooking the hill, giggling as though they were drunk. Lily dipping her chips in tartar sauce and feeding them to James before promptly stealing back a few. Surely it meant something, the lingering touches, the touch of her fingers caressing his jumper, stroking his arms? He wasn’t imagining her radiant smile, directed at him, only for him? They were on a date, it wasn’t a huge deal. Aside from the fact that he was madly in love with her. He gave her his rust coloured jumper, because she wouldn’t stop shivering and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

He bought her a hot port in the Summit Inn, after she insisted on dragging him for a walk to warm up. The pub on top of Howth Hill overlooked the islands of Ireland's Eye and Lambay. It was traditional and cosy, and they sat near the turf fire in the corner, laughing and reminiscing about college. He told her about that day, the full story - his parents, about Sirius and his family. It felt right. He felt guilty when he saw her looking upset and apologising again for believing what Snape had told her.

“It’s in the past now, Lily,” he said kindly, squeezing her hand and forgetting to let go afterwards.

“He won’t ever keep us apart now, I won’t let him,” she said, looking stubborn as hell, her cheeks flushed and her eyes overly bright.

“I don’t doubt that for a minute!” he replied.

The glow in his chest was nothing to do with the hot whiskey he had ordered.

“I’m so glad you didn’t bring me somewhere posh!” said Lily, lounging back comfortably against the worn seat.

James cocked his head to one side.

“You know, like you used to do with your girlfriends in college?” she smirked. “Name dropping posh London restaurants?”

James cleared his throat and rubbed the stubble on his chin.

“I did used to do that, didn’t I,” he cringed. “Sad bastard.”

“Yeah, you did,” she agreed, grinning at him. “Nice to see you grew out of it!”

James felt himself flush slightly. The fact was, he had always been very generous, if not a bit extravagant, with his friends and girlfriends. He liked spending money on other people, it hadn’t been just a snobby phase. But he hadn’t told Lily that he couldn’t have afforded that type of evening any more. He felt ashamed about that. She deserved the world, someone who could make sure she never had to worry about money. He hadn’t worked up the courage to tell her. And besides, wasn’t he going to have a good, permanent, well-paid job some day? Not ridiculously rich like he had been, but very comfortably off?

Somehow the whole day went by, talking, and they ended up missing the last train, and had to get the bus into town. He insisted on walking her home to the tiny house she shared with Alice, in the lane behind the row of shops in Donnybrook.

“Alright, Evans?” he said, looking a bit flustered and rubbing the back of his head.

“Yeah, I am, more than alright, Potter,” she smiled at him, melting his heart.

He smiled back warmly, lingering on the porch, his hazel eyes twinkling in the gloom.

“Do you want to come in, Potter?” she asked, fidgeting with the zip of her jacket. “Alice is out.”

 “Do you want me to?” he said.

“I want you, James Fleamont Potter,” she said, pulling him towards her, her voice was soft and low.

“Lily?” he said, scanning her face to make sure he wasn’t misreading the situation.

“James.”

The way she said his name, the way he could see her chest rising and falling with emotion, the way her hands were gripping his collar so tightly, like she was afraid he might go – it made him soar. And then they were kissing and he was lost in her sighs and moans and the touch of her fingertips, and he was pushing her up against the door, kissing her neck as she struggled to open it, her hand trembling and her bag and keys falling to the floor.

“I wanted this for so long,” she said, still kissing him deeply, pulling him towards her bedroom.

“You’ve no idea Lily,” he moaned, pulling her closer to him, gently and urgently.

"Don't stop," she pleaded, as her back hit the bed and she wrapped herself around him.

His mouth trailed loving kisses and his hands intertwined with hers, in reply.

 

…………………………………..

 

That was three months ago, and they were more or less inseparable now, living between their two flats. Sirius was besides himself with glee. He couldn’t be happier for James and once he got to know Lily all over again, they became best friends overnight. Not that James was jealous, it made him indescribably happy to see them bickering and squabbling like siblings.

And inevitably it resulted in Sirius spending more time with Remus, who had grown closer to Lily after that horrendous full moon. Remus, who had started to see Mc Gonagall for weekly therapy. Initially he was highly sceptical of EMDR, it frankly sounded like mumbo-jumbo. But she was right. About everything. It was impossible to move his eyes left and right and simultaneously think about the trauma with as much intensity as usual. It was not that he forgot what had happened that night. He never would. But it lost that vivid, cinematic quality - as though it had happened yesterday. He was processing the trauma, and he was coping. It was no longer stuck in the wrong folder of his hard drive (as Mc Gonagall had so excellently put it), on a never-ending loop, haunting his nightmares, flashbacks popping up unannounced at random times during the day. It was slowly moving into his long-term memory folder. Losing some of its immediate quality.

He was doing better.

And Sirius? Sirius had tried to move on, leave Remus alone. He hadn’t asked him out on another date. He was on his fifth boyfriend since arriving in Ireland. Unsuccessfully, but trying nonetheless.

They were all idiots, his boyfriends, Remus privately thought, especially this current one – Gilderoy Lockhart. With a name like that? He was the new Dermatology Consultant at St. Godric’s Private Hospital. Lockhart seemed singularly big headed but thick as a brick any time he had spoken to him. Remus had googled his name and found about forty research studies he had been involved in, most of them in highly influential American medical journals. But when he tried to talk to Lockhart about the research, because he was being kind and didn’t want to behave like a jealous bastard, he seemed utterly lost.

“Oh yes, the Columbia Study, that was, er, a good one,” Gilderoy said, looking ill at ease. “Remind me what it was about again?”

Gilderoy took a sip of his Chardonnay and winked over at Sirius. They were at a hideously boring party at Dr. Mc Carthy’s elegant house. Gilderoy was holding the glass with his little finger extended outwards. Chardonnay was disgusting, and that mannerism really irritated the fuck out of Remus. Sirius raised his glass marginally and smiled back at Lockhart. He really was incredibly stupid, Remus thought to himself, to have turned down Sirius’ offers (offers!) of coffee or drinks. Like he was afraid to let himself be happy, too scared to try and have another relationship with someone, especially someone he was utterly smitten with. That’s what Minerva had told him (not that he had mentioned Sirius by name) and he agreed wholeheartedly.

“The one about hydrochlorothiazide and the risk of cutaneous squamous cell carcinoma?” said Remus, struggling inordinately to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“Oh yeah, that one!” said Gilderoy, looking slightly bewildered. “Yeah, it worked really well to, er, prevent the skin cancer, definitely.”

“Prevent?” asked Remus, with a confused frown. “Surely you mean the opposite?”

“Oh yes, silly me! Whatever!” said Gilderoy.

He grinned charmingly and got up to stand beside Sirius, who had been watching them from the other side of the room. He kissed Sirius lightly on the cheek and gave a long-suffering sigh.

“Oh my word, that guy is _so_ boring!” he said loudly, taking another sip of his wine. “I just _had_ to move! Who on _earth_ invited him? I mean look at his clothes! _His clothes_? _Horrific_! And his scars, darling, his _scars_? Ugh, too dreadful looking!”

Sirius stared at Gilderoy, his eyes narrowing.

“What did you just say?” he spoke with a stiff upper lip, his upper-class accent bordering on the obscene.

“Oh just that he has no taste, no personality and he’s not much in the looks department either,” sneered Gilderoy, who was too bust trying to catch sight of himself in the mirror to notice how livid Sirius looked. “You’d have to feel sorry for him, I suppose.”

“Really?” said Sirius, smiling dangerously. “Because I think he’s by far the best-looking guy I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“What?” spluttered Gilderoy, spilling his drink and looking at his wet shirt with horror. “Look what you made me do!”

“Yeah,” continued Sirius casually. “I’m probably a 9 out of 10, 10 out of 10 on a good day. You’re a 6 out of 10, at best. Your hair is all wrong and you look like someone from a 90s boyband, who’s trying too hard. Remus Lupin is a fucking 12 out of 10. He’s completely out of your league. Our league. He deserves better.”

Remus had no idea what they were talking about, but he could see Sirius as he spoke. The disdainful glare, the toss of his silky hair, the fire in his cool grey eyes, the dismissive once-over. In his expensive black suit and perfect white shirt which made his eyes stand out, like the surface of a silver lake. Remus tugged at his collar, feeling indefeasibly turned on. Fuck. They were just having a bloody tiff. A lovers’ tiff.

“Get a grip!” he whispered to himself sternly.

He needed more alcohol.

“How dare you!” said Gilderoy following Sirius, who had walked into the kitchen and was pouring himself a large glass of expensive Italian Brunello and blatantly ignoring him. Gilderoy had turned bright red with embarrassment as he saw some colleagues enter the room who had obviously heard the tail end of their conversation. He turned to them, pointing accusingly at Sirius.

“He thinks Remus Lupin is better looking!” he squeaked.

Rosier and Snape looked at Lockhart with bored expressions and said nothing.

“Remus Lupin is gorgeous, everyone knows that,” said James, who had walked in after Sirius to check if he was alright and was grinning widely. “And 6 out of 10 for Lockhart is a bit too generous, Pads. If you include the fact that has an unfeasibly large ego, I think he can’t be more than a 4?”

Snape was looking at him as though he wanted to kill him, but James was used to it. Ever since he had started dating Lily, Snape had been incredibly rude to him at every available opportunity. The fact that James had managed to act as though it was just water off a duck’s back infuriated Snape even more.

“Remus Lupin? 12 out of 10, definitely,” said Lily, walking in behind James and joining in the conversation.

James gave her an adoring look.

“Are you all bonkers?” said Gilderoy, who was trying to plaster a fake smile onto his face and failing.

“I’m way more attractive, surely?”

He looked at Lily and winked suggestively, like he thought he had a chance with her. Lily burst out laughing and spilt out some of her drink, unable to speak as she laughed silently and waved her hand towards him.

“Too funny!” she managed to say in between giggles.

“Well I’m glad to have been such a source of amusement to you all!” Gilderoy sniffed. “Sirius Black, it’s over!”

And he stormed out of the room with as much dignity as he could muster, colliding with Remus who was headed for the kitchen in search of more alcohol.

“Bloody hell,” muttered Remus, walking into the room and feeling self-conscious as all eyes turned towards him.

His face and shirt were completely saturated. He looked at Sirius and raised his right eyebrow.

“Bit high maintenance, isn’t he?” he commented dryly.

“Was,” replied Sirius, putting down his drink immediately. “I’m terribly sorry old thing, let me get you a clean shirt.”

“God no, no need!” said Remus.

He blushed immediately and wiped his face dry with his sleeve to divert attention. Sirius was standing right in front of him by then, and the sight of him standing so close sent Remus’ heart racing.

“I insist,” said Sirius, effortlessly steering him out of the door. “Let’s see if Mc Carthy has any of his fiancé’s shirts you could borrow, Gideon Prewett is roughly your size, I bet. Lily, could you help us out?”

“Sorry, back in a minute,” said Lily, smiling up at James and following the two men into the hall.

James’ eyes lingered on her retreating figure momentarily, before turning back to the two men opposite him. Two men he had hoped to avoid all evening. He held up the wine bottle.

“Gentlemen?” he asked, keeping his tone neutral.

“Fuck off, you sneering, condescending little shit,” hissed Snape, eyeing him with disgust. “Gloating about the fact that you managed to get Lily Evans to go out with you. It won’t last, she’ll see right through you, and she’ll dump you like a hot brick.”

“Charming as always, Snape,” said James, pouring himself a large glass of wine and regarding him calmly.

“Bet you haven’t told her you’re broke now. No trust fund parents, no fancy houses, no big bank accounts,” Snape said.

James’ grip around the wine glass tightened.

“You obviously don’t know Lily at all, she doesn’t give a shit about stuff like that. Never did,” he said.

Snape saw him clenching his jaw at the mention of his parents and smiled.

“Oh I think you’ll find she’s highly ambitious now, Potter. The only guys she’s dated since she moved to Ireland all had one thing in common – they’re all inordinately rich,” Snape said, shaking his head with mock concern. “Poor Potter, get ready to be dumped pretty quickly as soon as she finds out!”

James stared at him and flexed his hand a few times before downing the wine in one go.

“Thanks for the warning,” he said. “I think I know Lily Evans a bit better than you.”

“Sure you do,” Snape smiled, and left the room.

“I wouldn’t be so sure, Potter,” smirked Rosier, after a short pause, sipping his Prosecco. “I believe he knows Lily Evans quite intimately, if you get my drift?”

James stared at him wordlessly.

“Actually, I don’t know are you aware _quite_ how intimately? Back in London, he used to secretly watch her through a hidden camera in her room?” Rosier’s smile grew wider.

“What?” said James.

“Don’t believe me? Ask Lily herself, she’s aware of what happened,” said Rosier, tilting his wine glass in James’ direction. “Of course, this conversation is strictly off the record.”

James could hear the blood pounding in his ears, his mouth had gone dry.

“Excuse me,” he heard himself say.

He walked back into the sitting room and saw Snape standing idly beside Alice, who looked very uncomfortable talking to him.

“You fucking bastard!” he said, grabbing Snape by his shirt collar.

“Let go of me, Potter!” said Snape angrily, trying to get away.

“You creepy fucker!” James said, his voice shaking with rage.

Understanding dawned on Snape’s face and he looked suddenly frightened, before proceeding to kick James in the shin. James retaliated by punching him in the jaw, which sent him spiralling backwards, knocking against Dr. Mc Carthy and Alice, glasses smashing to the floor. A few people screamed in fright at the sound. Lily came racing into the room just at that time.

“What on earth happened?” she said, taking in Snape’s figure on the ground and James’ face.

“I…” James said, looking torn.

“James,” said Lily. “What did you do?”

“He punched me!” said Snape angrily, trying to get himself back up with help from the onlookers. “And if you think I’m letting that go, you’re completely wrong!”

He turned to Dr. Mc Carthy.

“I’m calling the police,” he said, glaring at James while he massaged his jaw.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” muttered Dr. Mc Carthy, shaking his head in disbelief. “This is ridiculous. What the hell is going on with you two?”

“James?” Lily said quietly, holding on to James’ arm and removing him from the room.

“Fuck. I’m sorry Lily,” said James, who looked a bit shell-shocked.

When she didn’t speak, he sighed heavily.

“Rosier told me about Snape planting that camera and I just…” he looked at her briefly. “I lost it. I’m sorry.”

Lily’s face had turned white.

“Rosier knows?” she asked quietly.

James nodded and seeing the look in her face, he placed a hand on her shoulder and brought her in for a hug.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew something like this would happen,” she said, sighing, and holding on to him tightly.

The doorbell rang a few minutes later, and James saw the high viz jacket through the door.

“Fuck,” he muttered. “The Guards.”

“Let me deal with it,” said Lily, with a resolute look on her face.

They heard the male and female Guards speaking with Snape in low voices, writing some notes and when they came over to James, Lily intervened.

“I think it was all just a bit of a misunderstanding, Guard,” she said firmly. “My boyfriend James was defending my honour, I mean I could go into it, but I don’t think there’s any need, is there?”

She was looking straight over at Snape as she spoke.

“Unless you want me to?”

Snape’s nostrils flared angrily for a second.

“No, no need for that,” he said tersely. “It was a misunderstanding, I won’t be taking this further.”

“Oh, right,” said the young male Guard, scratching his ear in confusion. “Eh, okay, fair enough, sure that’s grand so. We’ll leave it there then, might be best if your fella left though, to avoid any more shenanigans with your ex, alright?”

“Yes, I think you’re referring to my ex-friend, but we can certainly leave,” said Lily, pursing the mouth tightly. “Thank you.”

“No bother at all,” the female Guard said to Lily pleasantly, looking relieved that their work was finished.

She nodded at James in a less friendly manner.

 

…………..

 

 

“You’re very distracted today, Dr. Black,” teased Benjy. “Any scandal I need to be aware of?”

Sirius scowled at him and tried to go back to concentrate on writing his notes.

“Fine,” he sighed dramatically after a few seconds. “Gilderoy Lockhart broke it off with me yesterday.”

“Oh,” said Benjy, regarding him shrewdly. “And this upsets you?”

“No!” said Sirius, rolling his eyes. “Obviously not. He was a complete bimbo.”

“Sirius, you’re a complete disaster, if you don’t mind me saying so,” snorted Benjy. “I mean you’ve had, what, a handful of boyfriends in the past few months, none of whom you’re actually remotely interested in?”

“And?” said Sirius, tossing his hair back defiantly.

“And all that time it’s been painfully obvious to everyone that you’re pining after a certain Dr. Lupin,” continued Benjy. “You have it bad, mate!”

Sirius gaped at him open mouthed. 

“No I haven’t!” he cried indignantly.

Benjy burst out laughing.

“Hey, Sorcha,” he called over to one of the younger Casualty Nurses. “Who does Dr. Black fancy?”

“Duh!” she said, rolling her eyes. “Too easy! Remus Lupin.”

“Oh fuck!” said Sirius, looking at them both in shock. “Am I really…”

“Yep!” said Benjy. “Very.”

“Afraid so, chicken!” Sorcha nodded and patted his arm as she walked past him.

“Ugh!” said Sirius, dropping his head onto the desk. “Fuck off all of you, I hate you!”

“Love you too,” laughed Benjy.

“I tried, you know,” said Sirius grumpily, his head still on the desk. “He said no.”

“Oh!” said Benjy, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “Well that’s odd, cause he’s practically as smitten as you are, and just as oblivious! I mean he definitely thinks you’re extremely hot.”

Sirius’ head shot up so quickly he nearly sprained his neck.

“He does?” he said, eyes wide.

“Duh!” said Sorcha, who was on her way back from the supply room. “Don’t sound so shocked, Sirius, you are our resident hottie!”

“Well yeah,” said Sirius pouting. “I am, but I really don’t think he’s even remotely interested.”

“Oh my good Lord, Sirius,” sighed Benjy. “You know, for someone very intelligent you’re completely dense at times, do you know that?”

“I’m telling you, he said no,” began Sirius.

“What’s happening with that patient in cubicle nine?” a high, shrill voice interrupted them.

Sirius’ face turned sour.

“Waiting for a psych review, Dr. Umbridge,” he said, attempting to remain vaguely civil.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Dr. Black, I do NOT want my ED clogged up by these patients?” she said, smiling too broadly. “Why is he not discharged yet?”

“Firstly, it’s she, not he,” said Sirius angrily. “Secondly, she’s presenting with increasing anxiety and depression in the context of being on a long waiting list for an endocrinology appointment to start hormone blockers. She has gender dysphoria. I’m not sending her home. She attends the Gender Identity Development Team who recommended a more urgent appointment for her with the endocrinology team.”

“Gender Dysphoria, trans, the whole thing is ridiculous! It's a load of rubbish,” said Umbridge, with a fake laugh. “Discharge him at once!”

“I am not discharging her until there’s a plan in place!” said Sirius, raising his voice. “It’s unethical!”

“Don’t you dare accuse me of unethical practice, Dr. Black!” said Umbridge, who was now beetroot coloured. “I can have you suspended for that!”

“I don’t give a flying fuck what you do,” said Sirius.

He was furious. This type of behaviour reminded him forcefully of his bigoted parents. He wasn’t going to let her get away with it or intimidate him.

“Very well,” said Dr. Umbridge, pursing her lips tightly. “I shall discharge him myself! And I’ll deal with you afterwards. You’re in serious trouble.”

“Do I look like I give a shit?” replied Sirius angrily.

“You’ll do no such thing!”

Dr. Umbridge whirled round.

“I heard every last bit of that conversation, Dr. Umbridge, and I can guarantee you I’ll be the one requesting your suspension. Don’t you dare go near that patient!”

Dr. Umbridge was staring at Remus in silence, too stunned to speak.

“I presume you heard what she said?” Remus turned to Benjy and Sorcha.

They both nodded.

“Good, I’ll be needing written statements from both of you, please have them ready by tomorrow morning,” Remus said.

“Yes, Dr. Lupin,” Benjy said. “With pleasure.”

“Me too!” said a middle-aged woman who was in a trolley on her way to the x-ray department. “My friend’s son had gender dysphoria and he’s very happy now, after getting the right help. And if they dare suspend Dr. Black, I’m staging a sit in protest! This is my fourth time in the past six weeks in here, and he’s been nothing short of brilliant each time.”

“And beautiful,” Remus added.

“Sorry?” the woman asked.

“Dr. Black,” Remus said. “Brilliant and beautiful.”

“God, yeah!” the woman smiled back at him knowingly.

“Excuse me?” Remus turned to Sirius with the beginnings of a smile.

Sirius gulped and nodded.

Remus came back after a few minutes.

“That’s all sorted, Dr. Black, I’ve asked her to wait for a psychiatric review, but I’ll see her next week in the Endocrinology outpatient clinic.”

“That’s incredibly … thank you,” said Sirius, who had been looking at Remus all this time with a rapturous expression on his face.

“Dr. Black, was your shift due to end five minutes ago?” Remus asked.

“Yes?” said Sirius, trying not to sound desperate.

“I was wondering if I could talk to you about a patient. In private?” Remus asked.

“Er, yeah, sure,” Sirius said, trying not to look too disappointed as he followed Remus down the corridor.

“I’m not sure what to do with him,” began Remus, as he continued to walk in front of Sirius without looking at him. “He’s been secretly pining for a friend of his for a long time, and too scared to do anything about it. In case the feeling isn’t mutual. Even though his friend literally asked him out on a few occasions. I think he’s afraid of falling in love. And he thinks his friend just feels sorry for him.”

He had stopped outside the Medical Registrar on call room.

“What?” said Sirius, who had been utterly unable to focus on anything that Remus had said, too preoccupied by how wonderful Remus looked in his slim cut jeans.

“Pay attention, you arse!” Remus sighed.

“I swear, I was literally paying attention to your arse!” said Sirius indignantly.

Remus cleared his throat.

“Fuck, sorry!” Sirius said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

Remus coughed quietly.

“Hang on,” said Sirius, who had belatedly registered some of what Remus had said. “Did you just… were you talking about you and me?”

“Yes, you idiot,” replied Remus, looking him straight in the eyes.

“I’m not sure how many more times you need to see me making a fool of myself to realise I’m mad about you,” said Sirius.

A slow smile was spreading across his face, lighting up his beautiful features.

“You know when you told Umbridge you didn’t give a flying fuck about her threats?” said Remus.

“I meant it,” replied Sirius, his eyes flashing with annoyance at the mere mention of her.

“Come here,” said Remus, leaning against the door of the on- call room and beckoning Sirius towards him. “That was a massive turn on.”

“Oh,” said Sirius. “Was it?”

His eyes had grown wide.

“Hell, yeah,” said Remus, staring back at him. “You’re gorgeous when you’re angry.”

“I think you’ll find I’m gorgeous most of the time,” said Sirius, smiling back.

“I hadn’t noticed,” said Remus teasingly, his eyes resting on Sirius’ pink lips, resisting the urge to kiss him.

“Liar,” said Sirius.

He was leaning into him, their lips practically touching now.

Remus swallowed, his heart beating so fast he was sure Sirius could hear it.

“Liar,” repeated Sirius, breathlessly.

“Fuck this,” said Remus, surging forwards and kissing him passionately.

Their hands were everywhere and somehow Sirius found himself pushed up against the door, breathing heavily.

“Fuck this,” said Remus, his resolve snapping.

He kicked the door of the on-call room with his leg and they stumbled in, practically falling onto the bed.

“I don’t think I can wait till we get home,” he said.

“I’m not complaining,” said Sirius, falling into him.

“I hope there’s nobody next door,” said Remus, as Sirius grabbed hold of his shirt.

“What’s life without a little risk, Remus?” said Sirius.

 

………………….

 

 

The dark, panelled, ornate hotel bar smelled of a mixture of old money and organised crime.

“Do you have the merch?” said Rosier, his voice smooth and oily as he absentmindedly polished a cufflink.

“Yeah, it’s all sorted there, bro,” the man replied, smiling knowingly at him and sitting back with a self-satisfied air.

He had the confidence of someone who usually got what he wanted. With force if necessary. He flexed his biceps and glanced at the tattoo approvingly.

“I’m the mastermind behind this operation, and you’ll answer to me directly,” the tall, dark-haired woman interrupted him. “And stick your jacket back on, that gangland tattoo is far too obvious, it could show up on CCTV.”

The man stared at her in silence. Despite her posh English accent, there was something deeply unsettling about the woman. Her cold grey eyes locked onto his and he shivered involuntarily.

“Cool your jets, love,” he hissed, putting on his jacket immediately.

“The bag,” she demanded.

He handed it to her in silence. She glanced inside it and nodded approvingly, pulling out her mobile phone and sending a rapid text.

“You’ll find the payment is already in your jacket pocket,” she said quietly.

“Deadly buzz,” he replied. “Nice spot here, love.”

He glanced around at the décor of the Boutique Hotel.

“It was, before you arrived,” she replied, giving him a disconcerting smile. “I suggest you leave now, while I’m still in a decent mood?”

“Er, right,” the man cleared his throat. “Nice doing business with you, Ms…?”

“Ebony,” she replied, smiling at him again. “Good day.”

She turned towards Rosier impatiently.

“All set?”

“Yes, Trixie,” he said, his eyes gleaming with pleasure.

Bellatrix’s phone buzzed, and her eyes widened with surprise.

“Change of plan,” she said, her face glowing with a fanatical light. “My cousin’s misfortune has been upgraded.”

“Upgraded?” asked Rosier, with a worried frown.

“Termination. Permanent,” she replied, without looking up. “Delightful news. Postponed, however, won’t happen for a few months till our Leader is able to make it over himself.”

Her initial euphoria soured quickly, and she sighed heavily.

“I was looking forward to our little scheme, I had planned it so well,” she pouted. “I’m going to be so bored now!”

“I have an alternative idea you might be interested in?” said Snape, who had so far made no contribution to the proceedings.

“Oh, pray do tell,” said Trixie, giggling childishly.

“Swap out the original target for tonight and replace him with your cousin’s best friend, or brother as he calls himself?” Snape said.

“Ooh, Darling, how marvellous! I always planned on getting revenge for his role in bringing down Slytherin Pharma. This is delicious!” squealed Trixie, clapping her hands excitedly and regarding him with new found interest. “Do I have time?”

“They’re both in work. The apartment will be empty,” said Snape.

“Excellent!” said Trixie, her cheeks flushed with excitement. “It’s payback time!”

 

 

…………………………….

 

“James, there’s still the admission on the ward, and the two patients awaiting review in the ED?”

James looked up from the nurses’ station where he was finishing writing his notes.

“Yeah, sure, thanks Katie,” he said, glancing at his watch and groaning inwardly.

It was an exceptionally busy, again. Maybe this was the new normal. He hadn’t gotten anything to eat yet and he was starving. He was also worried about Lily. She had been vomiting for the last few days, Winter Vomiting Bug, probably. She was never sick. She kept laughing at him for fussing over her. He had texted her countless times already. The reason he was still in such good form was the news that Sirius and Remus Lupin had finally, _finally_ , gotten together and were going on their second date tomorrow evening after work.* He shipped them so hard. They were bloody perfect together.

“Oops, sorry, I tripped on that bag on the floor.”

James looked up. A tall, blonde nurse pushed against him as she steadied herself. He didn’t recall seeing her before, her large glasses looked well on her. She reminded him vaguely of someone he knew.

“No problem,” he said, grinning at her.

He glanced at his open can of Pepsi, and blew his hair off his face. He needed the caffeine. The pepsi tasted a bit off, and he didn’t quite finish it. He was presenting at Grand Rounds in a little while so he needed to fly through the admission.

The blonde nurse walked down the corridor, head bowed, avoiding any CCTV cameras. She ducked into the toilets, removing her spectacles. Minutes later, a dark haired woman in a bomber jacket, leather trousers and stilettos left the bathrooms, a small carrier bag by her side. Behind the sunglasses, her grey eyes flashed dangerously.

 

………………………………

 

 “Are you alright, Prongs?” Peter asked, looking concerned.

“I think so,” he laughed unsteadily, stumbling as he tried to avoid falling over.

They were standing next to the podium; the auditorium was packed. He felt unusual. While he was admitting the last patient, he had gotten a sudden burst of energy, his mood almost euphoric, like all his emotions were intensified, followed by a deep sense of relaxation. He had found himself laughing hysterically at something the patient said. Now he was starting to feel disorientated, dizzy, and light-headed. And tired.  His head was pounding, and he could feel his heart racing. Nauseated. Sweating profusely. His jaw was clenching involuntarily, and he was shaking. His vision blurred momentarily.

“Fucking hell,” he muttered to himself, blinking rapidly.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

He looked up to see Peter staring at time with a frightened look in his eyes.

“Hi Wormy. Fine. Brilliant earlier on. Now, not so much,” James said, shivering violently. “I think maybe I’m sick?”

“Yeah, maybe,” said Peter, stuttering slightly. “Let me sit you down. There’s a few minutes before you’re due to start.”

“Thanks mate,” said James, slumping into the chair and holding his head.

“Er, could you sign this Kardex please? You forgot to do it on the ward earlier,” said Peter.

His hand was shaking as he handed James the prescription charts, hidden inside a folder.

“What were you doing on the psych ward, Wormy?” asked James, rubbing his eyes.

“Er, medical consult. Just there,” Peter pointed to the blank signature box. “And there, keep going, thanks James, great.”

“I can’t,” James said after a while, his voice sounding unusual. “I can’t read properly. It’s all blurred.”

“It’s ok,” Peter was looking around wildly, making sure nobody had spotted what he was doing. “I’ll sort them out!”

He grabbed the sheets and hurried off.

“Wormy, where the hell are you going? Fuck!” said James, letting his head fall into his hands.

He felt his phone buzzing a few times in his pocket. Opening his eyes, he tried to focus on the texts.

 

_Blocked Caller ID: James, the package is in your apartment, as usual_

_Blocked Caller ID: Sorry I couldn’t get you any Dragon today, but the Charlie is good**_

_Blocked Caller ID: You still owe me five grand, I expect to have it by tomorrow night at the latest***_

“What the fuck,” he whispered to himself.

The next thing he knew, Minerva Mc Gonagall was shaking him gently.

“James, what is going on? You’re not yourself. I think we need to cancel your presentation,” she said, her stern face lined with worry.

He looked at her in confusion and nodded. His eyes closed.

“Mr. Potter, wake up, this is Garda Sergeant Conor Doyle, can you hear me?”

He looked up bleary eyed, disorientated. He felt like throwing up. He was still in the auditorium, but now three Guards were standing next to him, the whole room buzzing with tension and surprise.

“He’s definitely out of it,” the second Garda nodded. “Intoxicated. Doesn’t smell of alcohol. Drugs, we can test him in the station.”

“Gentlemen, Dr. Potter has been working here for months and I can testify he has never presented to work looking like this before. Ever!” Professor Mc Gonagall said firmly, glaring at Garda Conor Doyle.

“Mr. Potter, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with us to the Garda Station for questioning, can you walk?” the third Garda asked, ignoring the worried Professor, and looking at him with thinly disguised contempt.

“What?” said James, his face perplexed and pale.

“Aside from the fact you showed up to St. Godric’s completely intoxicated and unfit to work, we need to question you about a suspicious package found at your apartment earlier this evening. An anonymous tip-off,” the first Garda said.

“Package?” said James, swaying slightly in his chair.

Mc Gonagall gripped his arm to keep him stable.

“Yes Mr. Potter, it was addressed to you, and if I’m not highly mistaken, it was full of drugs. Initial testing was positive, at any rate, but it’s been sent for full analysis. We suspect it contains cocaine, ecstasy, and home-made benzos**. Looks like it’s worth around twenty thousand euro. You’re in deep trouble, Mr. Potter. I’m going to need to take your phone off you. James Fleamont Potter, I’m arresting you under the Misuse of Drugs Act for the possession of controlled drugs with intent to supply.”

James looked at them in bewilderment, his jaw twitching violently, his limbs shaking uncontrollably.

He swallowed thickly and stood up shakily, feeling the blood pounding in his ears.

“It’s not mine,” he said hoarsely. “I don’t do drugs.”

“Right,” said the second Garda, not unkindly. “So today’s drug use is a complete fluke, yeah?”

He felt the handcuffs click shut. He was dimly aware of shocked faces staring at him from the crowd, nurses and doctors he worked with, as he was led away through the building flanked by the three guards. They walked down the front steps of the hospital, Mc Gonagall following behind them, twisting her watch strap nervously.

“Are you alright, Potter?” he heard Snape’s voice, his greasy head coming in and out of focus, fake concern in his voice.

“Good God, man, he’s high as a kite,” he heard Rosier tutting to himself, as he gave James a quick wink. “Oh dear, not good at all.”

“It’s a mistake,” James said, his voice shook. “It’s a mistake, I’m not a… I don’t…”

Snape patted his shoulder.

“There, there, it’s alright, Pettigrew admits he knew there was something fishy going on. You’re better off pleading guilty.”

“What?”

His head was spinning, and nothing made sense any more, like being in a horrible nightmare that he couldn’t seem to wake up from.

“His career is fucked, that’s for sure,” Snape’s drawl reaching his ears.

“He’s going to serve time as well, definitely,” Rosier replied. “I believe it’s a mandatory ten-year sentence here for that type of offence?”

“I’ll let Dr. Evans and Dr. Black know, James,” Mc Gonagall said to him, her voice breaking.

Before he could reply, he felt strong hands grasp his shoulder and force him into the back of the white Garda van, and the door locked shut behind him.

 

 

 

_* The first date between Sirius and Remus is in my one shot The New Boyfriend, if you must know..._

_** In Ireland: Charlie - street slang for Cocaine, Dragon - street slang for heroin, Benzos - benzodiazepines, minor tranquillizers such as lorazepam and diazepam (Ativan and Valium)_

_*** Grand - thousand euro (or pounds)_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's nearly Halloween, there had to be some angst...???  
> PS sorry it's a bit massive, I promised drama and drama took time, and someone wouldn't let me shorten it (you know who you are!!), I hope you still liked it *hiding behind sofa*


	9. Don't Know How Much I Can Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Potter was arrested for possession of drugs with intention to supply. What happens next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is dreadfully long!! I tried to reduce it and still ended up with too many words, so enjoy two chapters instead!!

 

 

Don’t Know How Much I Can Take

 

****

**Morning before the arrest…**

****

“I’ve been meaning to ask you for a long time. Why did you ignore me afterwards, the time we kissed at the Med Ball? I was so confused,” said Sirius.

He was lying in bed beside Remus, warm and exhausted and happy.

“oh, that,” said Remus, grimacing and falling back onto his pillow.

Remus sighed and glanced at his boyfriend. Sirius looked dishevelled, and also languidly relaxed. Unbelievably attractive.

“I don’t think even you realise just how gorgeous you are! I was mad about you. I guessed you were flirting with me for months, but I was too frightened after the whole…”

“Car thingy,” supplied Sirius immediately; he didn’t like seeing Remus’ face whenever he mentioned that traumatic episode.

“Yeah, car thingy,” smiled Remus, kissing Sirius’ hand lightly.

“And?” said Sirius eagerly.

“And then I couldn’t take my eyes off you that night, I didn’t think. Just acted,” shrugged Remus.

“You were beautiful, I still remember you in the starlight. Fucking beautiful,” said Sirius reverently.

Remus rolled his eyes. He was dreadful at accepting compliments.

“Avery had been threatening me for a few months at that stage, had somehow found out I was gay. I was anxious after kissing you in case he made good on his threats. I went back to sit in my car to clear my head. Avery cornered me and told me if I didn’t leave you alone, he’d tell your parents and get you disowned. Or worse,” said Remus. “I wasn’t sure what to do. Then I overheard you talking to Snape and Rosier, denying you were gay. I thought maybe I didn’t mean anything to you.”

He looked at Sirius again.

“Fuck Avery!” said Sirius. “Shit! I feel so bad that you heard what I said to those two bastards! I panicked, I was terrified they’d tell my parents. I was scared of them, my parents, not those two idiots!”

“It’s alright, Sirius, I understand,” said Remus, placing his hand over Sirius’.

“I told them though, that morning, told them the truth,” said Sirius, his eyes filled with anger and hurt. “That was the last time I spoke to them, or saw them. They kicked me out. Disowned me.”

“They did what?” said Remus, horrified.

“I’m glad I told them, Remus,” said Sirius, holding on to his boyfriend’s hand. “It was eating me up inside. It was all a lie. I couldn’t have stayed there any longer. They are horrible people, Remus. Racists and bigots and homophobic and…”

He tried not to think about Reg, about what must have happened to him. But sometimes he couldn’t help himself.

“I didn’t know,” said Remus, his voice wavered. “I did it to protect you. All that time… I didn’t know. And then you disappeared, stopped attending college. I didn’t know the full story.”

“We can’t change the past,” said Sirius, sinking back onto the bed. “You’re here now. You make me so happy.”

“I know,” Remus’ lips twitched upwards.

“Is it too early to tell you I’m in love with you?” asked Sirius, staring up into Remus’ eyes.

“Probably,” said Remus smiling.

Sirius saw the look of amusement and joy on his boyfriend’s face, sheer joy, and marvelled at the change in him. He knew that was also due to therapy, over the last few months. Still…

“A short run of mad, passionate lovemaking with Dr. Sirius Black and you’re a new man!” he said playfully, running his index finger over Remus’ lower lip.

“It probably is too early, but I’ll say it anyway – I’m madly in love with you, Sirius,” said Remus, running his hands through Sirius’ straight, silky hair.

Sirius blinked twice.

“Managed to shut you up, for once, have I?” Remus said, with a gleam in his eyes.

Sirius’ grey eyes continued looking at him with confusion.

“Come here!” said Sirius, recovering from shock and pulling Remus down on top of him to kiss him hungrily.

“I love you, Remus Lupin!” Sirius whispered urgently, covering his boyfriend’s face, neck and chest with kisses.

“We’re supposed to be getting ready for work,” groaned Remus, doing nothing to stop Sirius’ ministrations.

“You can’t say things like that and expect to get away scot-free!” said Sirius, winking at Remus seductively. “Remember – mad, passionate love-making? You and me? In love?”

“I remember, we’ve literally just done that this morning,” muttered Remus, finding Sirius’ lips again.

“So? Nothing stopping us doing it again, is there?” said Sirius.

“Yes, I have to… oh screw that!” said Remus, losing control.

“I’m irresistible, say it!” said Sirius, arching into him.

“You’re irresponsible,” said Remus.

“Same difference,” said Sirius breathlessly.

 

……………………………

 

 

 “Come on, Lily, stop being a lazy git and get out of bed!” Lily muttered to herself crossly.

She sat on the edge of her bed and groaned, as another wave of nausea hit her.

“Ugh!” she said, lying back down again immediately. “What is _wrong_ with me!”

She was beginning to think that maybe her self-diagnosis of Winter Vomiting Bug was wrong. It should have cleared up by now. She thought last night she was better. Now she wasn’t sure if she could get up and drive into work without vomiting.

Leaning back into her pillow, looking at the sunlight streaming into the tiny cottage, she smiled absentmindedly, thinking about James, and their conversation in her house the previous night.

“I’ve been offered a job in the States, it’s a research post, in Boston,” she had said, biting her lip.

“I know,” said James smiling at her proudly. “I’m not surprised, you’re incredible! You deserve it.”

“Yeah, but…” she hesitated.

“Are you worried how it might affect us?” he asked, stroking her hair softly.

“Yeah,” she said, turning her head to look him in the eye. “I don’t want to ruin this… us…”

“I’ll wait for you,” he said soothingly. “I’m not letting you get away from me that easily, not after waiting so long! If that’s what you want?”

“Of course it’s what I want!” said Lily, staring into his warm, hazel eyes. “I’m wondering if I should go or not?”

“Don’t be daft,” he admonished, kissing the top of her head. “You’ve worked so hard for this. You shouldn’t sacrifice your career because of me! I could try to sit the USMLE exams and see if I could take a year or two off the scheme and move over with you.”

She sat up and turned towards him.

“James, that’s too much, trying to sit those awful American exams! You’re meant to be sitting the Membership exams as well. You just won’t have time for all that!” she said, brushing her fingertips over his chest.

“You forget that I’m frighteningly intelligent!” he grinned at her.

“I don’t forget!” she rolled her eyes fondly. “I’ll never forget Tom Suffolk reading out our exam results in Fourth Year and stopping with utter disbelief when you came second. Despite doing practically nothing all year!”

“I may have exaggerated the extent of my slacking!” he laughed good humouredly. “Trying to make myself look cool in front of a certain red-head I was desperately trying to impress!”

“What an eejit!” she said, leaning over and planting kisses on his chest and shoulders.

He winked at her.

“I’m very serious! I’m going to sit those damned exams and see what happens. If I pass them, excellent. If not, I’ll just have to save up and come over to annoy you as often as I can,” he said in a low voice.

In the back of his mind he was trying to reconcile his monthly earnings and the cost of travelling to the U.S.

“Hell yes!” she said, her large green eyes filled with longing. “I won’t be able to stand it if I can’t see you regularly. I don’t think I could stick it out. And I can’t have some beautiful Irish woman steal you away from me!”

She moved up and pressed her lips to his.

“This is the only Irish woman for me,” he said, kissing her back. “The only woman.”

“James Potter, stop saying things like that!” she said, feeling her heart rate pick up. “You’re driving me wild.”

“Make me stop,” he challenged.

She stared at the man underneath her.

“You’re unreal!” she laughed breathlessly.

“That’s how it’s always been with us, very competitive,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

He was perfect. In every way.

“Just watch me,” she said.

 

**Sunday, Forty-eight hours after the arrest of Dr. James Potter…**

 

“Dr. Potter, I think its only fair to point out that it’s not looking good, you know.”

James looked at the grey-haired woman in front of him and snorted.

“Really? I thought I was in with a reasonable chance,” he said dryly.

“Well, stwictly speaking, no,” the tight-lipped solicitor replied cautiously, her pronunciation difficulties accentuated by her anxiety. “I’m afwaid that the evidence against you is wather overwhelming-“

“I’m joking, Pince,” said James, giving a short humourless laugh. “I know what it looks like.”

Irma Pince cleared her throat and looked up over her reading glasses.

“I should pwobably point out that it would be pwudent to consider entewing a guilty plea. You’ll still get the mandatowy sentence but if you offer to coopewate with the Gardai, pwovide information on the cwiminal gang involved and-“

“Pince, there’s zero chance of me entering a guilty plea so you can scrap that idea immediately, alright?” said James, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

He leaned back wearily and sighed, running a hand down his drawn face.

“I know you probably don’t believe me, but I didn’t do it. Any of it,” James said, looking her straight in the eye.

Pince made a non-commital placatory sound and shuffled the papers in front of her.

“You don’t believe me. Can’t say I blame you,” James laughed bitterly. “Fuck!”

He placed his elbows on the table and ran his hands through his hair.

“Dr. Potter, if what you say is twue, who hates you enough to awange such a complicated web of intwigue against you?” Pince said, giving him a piercing look.

“I’ve been thinking of nothing else. Who the hell would do that?” James said. “I mean, I reported a gangland criminal to social services recently and he threatened to shoot me, but this? This is different. Snape is probably the one person who truly hates me, but he’s not a bloody criminal, whatever else he is.  I honestly don’t know. I don’t know…”

His voice trailed off.

“The gardai found a burner phone in your flat, with messages going back about two months, all relating to sale and distribution of Class A drugs,” said Pince cautiously, looking at James to gauge his response.

He swallowed.

“With my name on the messages?” he asked, trying to sound calm.

“Well, no, although they were addressed to Doctor Party Poppers,“ said Pince.

“I see,” he said.

“The gardai will be checking where the mobile pinged when the texts were sent. There’s a mast near St. Godwic’s Hospital,” said Pince.

James stared at her mutely.

“They also found a handgun and ammunition,” she said quietly.

“I know, they told me,” he said, feeling his mouth go dry. “It’s not mine, I don’t know how to use a fucking gun, I’ve never even held one.”

“It was in your flat, in your underwear dwawer,” she said.

“It wasn’t there before I went to work on Friday!” he said, looking at Pince desperately.

She was beginning to feel sorry for him.

“Be that as it may, Dr. Potter, I think a juwy will have a hard time believing you.”

“Fucking hell,” said James.

He held his head in his hands. He felt sick. There was a tightness across his chest, like someone had placed a heavy weight over it and he couldn’t fill his lungs with enough oxygen. He had woken up suddenly in the middle of the night, sitting bolt upright in bed, taking a moment to recall what awful thing had happened. 

“The pwess seem vewy intewested in your story, Dr. Potter,” said Pince after a pause.

 “Good story – bad doctor, in fact, bad psychiatrist… tabloid heaven,” he said stoically.

“And good-looking to boot,” added Pince, with a wry smile. “I’m afraid the Court will be swarming with camewas today.”

James looked up briefly and nodded wearily.

“Unusual that the press cottoned on to your stowy so quickly. Any theories about that? The Irish Daily Sun in particular seem to have had a lot of insider information?” Pince said, sliding a copy of the tabloid newspaper over to James.

“No,” said James, clenching his jaw and pushing the article away.

“Ever heard of Wita Skeeter? She’s one of their top weporters, usually based in London. Stwange that she’d come over to do a stowy like this,” Pince commented.

James shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

“Never heard of her, I don’t read The Daily Sun, I’m more of a Guardian man.”

“Never mind. Just wear that suit, look stwaight ahead, chin up, better if you don’t wear sunglasses because that looks like you have something to hide, but I understand if you want to,” said Pince, patting James lightly on the shoulder as she stood up.

“M’am,” said James, saluting her half-heartedly. “I’m sorry this case is pretty shit. Thank you for taking it.”

“My pleasure, James,” said Pince, smiling at him for the first time. “Hawold and I are good friends, go back a long way. When he asked me to defend the son of one of his best men he ever knew, I couldn’t wefuse.”

“Dad always said Harold Bell was the best solicitor in all of London, and one of his good friends,” said James, feeling emotional at the mention of his father.” It was very kind of him to suggest you.”

Thank God his parents were dead, thought James. Thanks God they didn’t have to see this.

 

 

………………………………………..

 

 

As he exited the Court, James blinked repeatedly as camera flashes bombarded him. He was glad to have Pince beside him, she seemed to know what to do, holding his arm lightly and guiding him through the crowd.

“No comment,” she answered calmly, as countless questions were shouted at them.

“How long have you been working for a criminal gang, Dr. Potter?”

“No comment.”

“Who paid for your 90,000 euro bail, Dr. Potter?”

“No comment.”

“Was your family’s drug company used as a cover to make illegal drugs?”

James’ head shot up furiously as he looked at the woman who had asked that question.

“Rita Skeeter, Daily Sun,” she said brightly, with a very fake smile.

“My parents’ company was never used to make any illegal drugs,” he said hotly.

Pince rested her hand warningly on his arm.

“No comment,” she said sternly, steering him clear of the crowd and moving him towards a car waiting for them.

They climbed inside, surrounded by journalists and microphones.

“Fucking hell, how dare that bitch insinuate that my parents were in any way involved in illegal activities!” he said, his eyes still burning with anger.

“And who the hell paid for my bail, Pince?” he added. “I was expecting to be remanded in custody.”

“Siwius Black,” she said curtly, placing her briefcase on her knees.

“How?” he asked, looking bewildered.

“Something about his late uncle’s flat in London?” she replied, looking out of the window.

“Oh fuck,” he said. “Stupid fucking idiot!”

“Language, Dr Potter!” said Pince, regarding him primly. “And I don’t believe you would have done anything differently if your bwother found himself in a similar situation, from what he told me. Unless you’re planning on going MIA, his money is perfectly safe.”

James grunted moodily and sank back into the seat, as the car weaved through the morning traffic. The silence was deafening.

“Am I really looking at ten years?” he asked quietly.

Irma Pince looked up and caught the momentarily scared look on his face.

“I think so, unless we can find some pwoof between now and when your case is due in the Centwal Cwiminal Court,” she said regretfully. “I will look thwough all the evidence carefully, if there’s anything that doesn’t add up, you’ll be the first to know.”

He nodded stiffly.

“Thank you, appreciate that,” he said.

There was a different look on his face now. Resolute. Resigned.

“I’m sure I’ll find something,” she said.

“I’m sure you will,” he said.

Neither of them meant it.

 

……………………………………

 

 

“James, thank God!” Lily said, as soon as James entered his flat, half crying as she launched herself at him and enclosed him in a tight hug.

She felt his body stiffen a little. She didn’t see James shut his eyes tightly as though in pain. She pulled back then, aware something was wrong. James was always so demonstrative.

“I’m sorry James,” she said, wiping tears from her face and holding onto his shoulders lightly. “Are you alright?”

He didn’t look alright.

“I’m sorry, that’s a stupid question. Of course you’re not,” she continued, anxiously scanning his face. “James, I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened. I don’t know what to say, except that Mc Gonagall has promised to try to help us get to the bottom of this, and for some reason I believe her. We’ll get through this together, love, I know we will! I love you so much!”

He swallowed hard and said nothing.

“Sirius should be back in around half an hour, he just ran to the shops to get food, Thai red curry, your favourite,” she continued, playing with the hem of her shirt and looking at the door. “James, I have something important to tell you. I’d prefer to tell you when the others aren’t here.”

“I’ve got something that I need to say first,” said James.

 “What’s wrong, sweetie?” she said, reaching out reflexively and stroking his chest, before pulling back as though unsure of his reaction.

“I’ve been thinking a lot in the past few days, about us. It’s not going to work. I mean, times like this make you think about relationships and … I don’t think we should continue seeing each other. It’s not working.”

His voice was low and sounded almost desperate.

“What? James, what are you talking about? You need your friends at this time. You’re tired and you’re not thinking straight. You need me… I need you, James… please,” she said.

“No, I know what I’m doing,” he said, his voice firmer and harsher now. “It’s over, Lily. I’ve realised that I don’t love you, I like you, as a friend, that’s all. I spent so long pining after you all these years, I had built up this idealised version of you in my mind… and the real you is different. Disappointing. You’re not what I expected. I’m sorry. I can’t keep doing this. I should have told you weeks ago.”

“Oh,” said Lily, her lips trembling slightly.

“You needed to know. It wasn’t fair on you,” James said. “Plus it seems that after all, connections and money are important to me. I don’t think I could consider marrying someone from a different social class. And I don’t want to jeopardise my career by moving to America at this stage of my training.”

He could see the surprise and hurt in her eyes.

“I see,” Lily said, in a low voice. “I’m... I thought you and I were… I must have read things completely wrong. I’m sorry that I disappointed you, James. I’m far from perfect, I know that. You were everything I hoped you would be, and more. I couldn’t have wished for a better man. You deserve the world. I hope you…”

She broke off then, unable to stop the silent tears rolling down her face. She tried to smile and pointed to her face awkwardly, wiping it with her hands. Her lips were trembling so badly, she pressed them shut tightly in an effort to control them.

“Sorry,” she said, her voice breaking. “I’ll just go then, I’m sorry I don’t think I can stay, make my apologies to the boys, please, won’t you?”

He nodded, and she took in his stiff shoulders and clenched jaw and fists.

“James,” she whispered, turning back from the door. “I’m still here for you if you need me, if you want to call me or if I can help with anything else. As a friend.”

He looked into her bloodshot eyes, those large, almond shaped, dazzling clear eyes, the colour that reminded him of mountain lakes in the Canadian Rockies.

“I don’t think you can help me,” he said, devoid of emotion.

A small choked sound escaped her lips and she brought her hand to her mouth and nodded quickly, closing the door behind her.

As soon as the door closed behind her, he looked up at the ceiling as though imploring the heavens. 

An unopened letter from the Medical Council lay on the hall table, informing Dr. Potter that he had been reported on the grounds of being unfit to practice and outlining the drug charges and illegal prescriptions. 

A text on his phone from Severus Snape read:

I hope you realise that you are going to impact on Dr Evans’ career and should distance yourself from her immediately

An unsent reply on his phone:

I’ve already sorted that out you bastard...

 

 

 

………………………..

 

 

“What the fuck did you just do, you absolute wanker?” Sirius said, barging into James’ room.

James was sitting on the edge of his bed, his hand tightly wrapped around a small black box, staring blankly ahead.

“Answer me, you fucking idiot!” Sirius shouted, looking down at James.

“I broke it off with her. I don’t love her,” said James, his voice a blank monotone.

“You’re a fucking liar!” said Sirius angrily, grabbing James by his shirt collar and pulling him up to standing. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing at, but I know the truth, James fucking Fleamont fucking Potter. You bloody love Lily Evans!”

“I don’t,” he replied, suppressed rage in his voice. “I don’t love her.”

“Ugh!” said Sirius, making a frustrated sound in his throat, and pulling James closer to him. “What the fuck? Why are you doing this? I would never do this to Remus if it were me in your place!”

“You’re a liar, Sirius, a fucking liar!” James spat out, grabbing hold of Sirius and pushing him away roughly. “If you were going to prison for ten years, are you telling me you’d let Remus waste ten years of his life waiting for you?”

Sirius opened and closed his mouth.

“Bollox!” said James. “You’re a terrible liar!”

“Well so are you, damn it!” shouted Sirius. “I don’t know what horrible things you said to her earlier on, but she was devastated. And you’ve managed to completely convince her that you don’t love her at all.”

“I’m glad she believes it,” said James coldly, walking out of the room. “She needs to believe it. I meant everything I said to her.”

“She was sitting outside on the steps bawling her eyes out!” flashed Sirius angrily, following him into the sitting room.

James was leaning with his hands on the back of a chair, gripping it tightly.

“Leave me alone,” said James, his voice barely audible.

His whole body seemed to be shaking.

“What have you got there?” said Sirius, glancing down at the box still in James’ hand. “Mia’s stuff? What are you doing?”

“Just fuck off,” he said between his teeth.

“Argh!” said Sirius, shaking his head in agitation and practically taking the door off its hinges as he slammed it behind him.

James was still standing behind the chair, his hand still wrapped tightly around the black box, his eyes shut.

 

………………………………………

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could really do with a bit of cheering up today! Any comments extremely welcome, and thank you for reading this fic!


	10. Every Mess That I Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding out the truth...

 

Every Mess That I Made

 

 

“Thank you all for agreeing to meet me,” said Professor Mc Gonagall, looking at the doctors gathered in her office. “I know you’re all as shocked as I am by what happened here on Friday.”

She could read it in their faces. Sirius Black’s eyes looked bloodshot and he was clearly agitated, his leg hopping, unable to keep still, his hand flicking his hair from his face every few seconds, almost as though he had developed a tic overnight. Remus Lupin, who appeared utterly exhausted, was looking at his boyfriend with concern and nodded to Mc Gonagall, even as he placed a hand reassuringly on Sirius’ thigh. Immediately Sirius’ leg stopped shaking and he gripped Remus’ hand tightly in his own. She was most concerned about Lily Evans, who looked very pale and dehydrated. And sick. 

She tutted to herself and picked up the phone.

“Hagrid,” she said. “Would you be able to join me in my office, and could you to bring some tea and coffee? Wonderful, thank you.”

“Clearly this is a set-up, do any of you have any ideas why anyone would want to frame Dr. Potter?” said Mc Gonagall.

“Snivellus hates his guts!” said Sirius, narrowing his eyes.

“Snape,” explained Remus. “He definitely hates James. Although in fairness, he’s hardly a criminal mastermind?”

“I wouldn’t put anything past him, slimy git!” muttered Sirius angrily.

“Anyone else?”

 “Ah, Hagrid, thanks so much, just what we needed!” she said, smiling as Hagrid opened the door gingerly and balanced a loaded tray haphazardly towards the Professor’s desk.

“Got yous all a few treats, thought you might need a bit of feedin’,” he said, looking at the group and smiling awkwardly at them.

“Please sit down, Hagrid,” said Mc Gonagall kindly, as Hagrid attempted to concertina himself into a tight spot beside Lily.

“Hagrid, we were discussing Dr. Potter,” she began.

“Framed!” Hagrid said darkly. “Some fucker framed him!”

“Very likely, Hagrid. I have an important job for you. I want you to review all the CCTV footage for the twenty-four hours before Dr. Potter was arrested, for the entire hospital, including the hidden camera outside. Watch out for anything that strikes you as out of the ordinary. It will take some time.”

“Yes, Prof, absolutely!” said Hagrid looked extremely pleased. “I’d love to do something to help.”

“Same!” said Sirius, getting up and shaking Hagrid’s hand vigorously. “Thank you! Let me know if you find anything?”

“Let me know first, Hagrid,” warned Mc Gonagall.

“Will do, Minerva, don’t you fret!” said Hagrid, getting up and trying to avoid squashing Lily in the process.

“Sorry love,” he said, patting her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll get your fella sorted and back to you in no time!”

Lily looked up at him with tears in her eyes and nodded.

“There is one observation I wanted to share with you,” said Minerva Mc Gonagall. “Dr. Snape and Dr. Rosier were outside the hospital that day, and shouldn’t have known anything about Dr. Potter’s arrest, yet they started telling him that there was a ten year minimum sentence for that crime? Someone could have texted them I suppose.”

“Fucking knew it!” seethed Sirius, standing up impetuously and striding towards the door.

“Dr. Black, sit down this instance!” said Mc Gonagall sternly. “The last thing Dr. Potter needs is for you to end up in custody for assault! I plan to talk to them again. You are not to go near either of them, do I make myself clear?”

Sirius gritted his teeth and gave a curt nod. He was a bit scared of the formidable woman.

“Dr. Evans, would it be possible to have a quick word in private?” Mc Gonagall asked.

Lily’s eyes widened, and she remained seated as both Remus and Sirius gave her arm a reassuring squeeze on the way out.

“Dr Evans,” began Mc Gonagall, pulling her chair closer to Lily. “You haven’t been looking well for a while, even before this awful incident.”

Lily looked down.

“Lily,” said Mc Gonagall. “I’m asking you in strictest confidence.”

Her tone of voice was so unexpectedly kind. And she hadn’t confided in anyone.

“It’s okay… I’m fine… just, I’m pregnant,” she said. “Pretty shit timing…”

Mc Gonagall sighed and took her hand.

 “I mean, I hoped that perhaps James and I would eventually, you know, end up together. And now…”

“You haven’t told him?” Mc Gonagall asked.

 “No, I don’t plan to,” she said, bravely trying to keep it together. “It’s just that, he and I are no longer… he said he didn’t want me, and…”

Mc Gonagall shook her head in annoyance.

“Dr. Potter!” she said sternly. “I might have guessed. I think you need a hug, dear.”

Lily threw her arms around Mc Gonagall. A hug was exactly what she needed.

“I’m sorry, I know this is a bit odd, but I haven’t told anyone. My best friend moved to Scotland a few months ago and I haven’t said it to her yet. I can’t stand the thought of them all hating him… I don’t hate him, despite what he said, I can’t seem to hate him,” she said.

“Of course you don’t,” said Mc Gonagall firmly, patting her shoulder in a motherly fashion. “He’s just doing what he thinks is right. Like an idiot. What about your family?”

“My parents died in a car accident a few years ago,” said Lily, smiling sadly. “My sister Petunia and I don’t really get along, at all. She’d probably be delighted to hear my misfortunes.”

 “James is lucky to have you. Yes, he is, because he may be an idiot sometimes, but I know that man, and if isn’t utterly and completely head over heels in love with you, I’ll eat my hat! So don’t give up on him just yet, alright?”

“Yeah, alright,” said Lily quietly, looking conflicted.

She didn’t know whether to dare let herself hope that James was lying, that he did love her as much as she loved him.

“Lily,” said Mc Gonagall. “You need to look after yourself, do you hear me? No buts! I’ll talk to Dr. Mc Carthy and remove you from the on-call rota for the moment. I won’t give him a full explanation, don’t worry.”

Lily smiled sheepishly. She knew that Mc Gonagall was more than able for her stubbornness.

“One more thing, Lily, I nearly forgot,” said Mc Gonagall. “When the Gardai were taking Dr. Potter away, Dr Snape mentioned something about Dr. Pettigrew knowing that there was something unusual going on. I believe he used to be in your class in college?”

Lily nodded, looking perplexed.

“What did he mean?” she said. “They’re great friends! Why would he say that? Peter’s been really worried!”

“I have no idea, Lily,” said Mc Gonagall. “But I don’t like it. Could you try talking to him? I didn’t want to tell Dr. Black because he’s a very good friend of Pettigrew’s and I fear he would lose the plot if I mentioned this.”

“Leave it to me,” said Lily, looking back at her with a resolute air. “I’ll get to the bottom of it!”

“I believe you!” replied Mc Gonagall, feeling hopeful for the first time since Potter’s arrest.

 

…………………………………..

 

“Peter, could I have a word, please?” said Lily, smiling sweetly.

Peter yelped and nearly dropped the chart he was holding.

“Christ! You gave me a fright, Lily!” he said, laughing weakly.

“Lovely to see you, Peter!” she said warmly.

“Er, yeah, lovely to see you too,” he looked nervously around.

“How are you?” said Lily.

“Fine, great, thanks!” said Peter, shifting from one foot to another. “I mean, well, obviously, not great… I mean, no, terrible. Awful, what happened to James, and all that!”

“Yes, how could you forget?” hummed Lily, still smiling, manoeuvring the shorter man to stand in front of a small room. “Although, I think you felt that poor James had been acting rather oddly? You weren’t too surprised, were you?”

“Who told you that?” said Peter, whose voice had jumped up an octave.

“You did,” said Lily.

He noticed that her eyes were cool and hard, despite the smile.

“Did I? Yes, well,” he began, nervously rubbing his hands together. “I felt he had been behaving rather strangely, you know. Seemed a bit spaced at times.  You know, voice a bit slurred, eyes a bit-“

“Cut the bullshit, Pettigrew!” said Lily. “Tell me exactly who is behind this and why. Start talking.”

Her voice was like ice. She looked genuinely intimidating.

“Er, well, actually, I’d love to stay and chat, but I have a ward round starting in ten-“

“Oh no you don’t!” snapped Lily, opening the door of the walk-in linen cupboard and shoving Pettigrew inside. “Tell me exactly what happened. Or I’m not letting you out!”

She locked the door and heard him cursing inside.

“No point trying to call anyone on your mobile, Pettigrew,” she said coldly. “No reception in there. I checked. Also, no light switch. No water. And no food. I suggest you start talking.”

“Lily, please!” squeaked Pettigrew, who had an inordinate fear of being stuck in confined spaces. “I can’t think in here!”

“That’s the whole point, Pettigrew,” said Lily, rolling her eyes at the door in front of her. “I knew you suffered from claustrophobia. Why do you think I’ve been following you around all afternoon until we were standing directly in front of this place?”

Pettigrew trembled.

“You little bitch!” he whimpered angrily.

“I heard that!” Lily said casually. “Not helping yourself much, Pettigrew. Start talking. How did you get roped into this mess?”

Pettigrew swallowed.

“You won’t be in as much trouble as they are, Peter,” said Lily, in a kinder voice. “You were forced to play along, am I right?”

“None of this was my idea!” said Pettigrew in a shrill voice. “I had no choice, Lily! I made a mistake. A big mistake, and… fuck, I’m not telling you anything else! Let me out!”

“Please! Peter, you’ve got to!” said Lily, placing her palms on the door. “We’ll say you didn’t have a choice, that you were threatened?”

“Peter, James is going to go to prison for at least ten years if we don’t find out what really happened!” said Lily desperately.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” she heard him mutter to himself, breathing heavily. “Alright. Fuck … I gave someone the wrong intravenous antibiotic. It was the first dose. I was tired, towards the end of my on-call shift, and I picked up the wrong phial. The patient was allergic to penicillin. He went into cardiac arrest and died. Snape saw me. Nobody else noticed. Snape told me that he wouldn’t tell anyone, that my secret was safe with him, but that I owed him.”

“Snape?” said Lily.

“Yes, Snape,” said Pettigrew. “He and I had become quite friendly, prior to James and Sirius coming here. We have similar political views.”

“Pricks!” muttered Lily in disgust.

“What?” said Pettigrew, who was sounding more distraught by the second. “I can’t hear you!”

“Continue!” she said sharply.

“It was a mistake, I didn’t mean to kill anyone. I could have gotten into serious trouble with the Medical Council. I had no choice! I agreed to do as Snape suggested. That was a few weeks ago. Then early last Friday, Snape phoned me and asked me to meet him before work. He told me, er, he said James was a drug dealer, and that I had to get him to sign some Kardex forms to make doubly sure he got put away. He handed them to me, they just needed a signature. I got James to sign them no problem,” Pettigrew’s teeth were chattering with fear.

“And you believed that bastard, did you?” said Lily, who was livid. “You really believed James was selling drugs?”

“No,” he whispered, breathing quickly. “Not really. But I mean if I didn’t do as Snape asked, I’d have been-“

“Ah, Dr. Evans, what are you doing here?” asked Dr. Mc Carthy pleasantly, walking past at that moment.

“Oh, I just found a disgusting rat and managed to lock it in this room,” Lily said airily. “I’m just waiting for the vermin control fellows to show up.”

“Ugh, gross!” said Dr Mc Carthy, looking uncomfortable. “Well, I’ll be off so, good luck!”

She waited until he had passed through the double doors.

“I don’t care what you thought!” Lily hissed back. “You were willing to let a completely innocent man go to prison, one of your best friends? How could you!”

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry! Can you please open the door?” said Peter, who was hyperventilating loudly by then. “I need to get out!”

“On one condition,” said Lily. “I’ve been recording this entire conversation on my phone. When I let you out, we are going to drive down to the local Garda Station and you are going to give them a statement outlining exactly what you told me. Do you understand? If you try anything funny, I’m dialling 999.”

“Okay, okay, just let me out!” said Pettigrew, panting heavily. “I’m having a panic attack!”

“I’m terribly sorry, you must me confusing me for someone who gives a shit,” said Lily, opening the door and glaring at Pettigrew.

Pettigrew stumbled out, and bent forwards with his hands on his knees, trying to steady his breathing, as Lily watched impassively.

“Come on, let’s go!” she said, pointing to the door.

Reluctantly Pettigrew followed her, growing more and more visibly agitated.

“Snape will kill me!” he wailed at Lily, as they walked down the corridor. “He said he knows people, dangerous people, who can dispose of me if I utter a word of this to-“

“Yes, Pettigrew, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that Snape is somehow involved with the criminals who planted the gun and the drugs in James’ flat!” said Lily, striding forwards and looking grim. “He can explain it all to the Gardai!”

 

…………………………………

 

“Found anything yet, Hagrid?” said Sirius, popping his head into the small security room. “Thought you finished early today?”

“Working on the CCTV stuff for Minnie. Funny you should say that, Sirius,” said Hagrid, motioning for Sirius to sit down beside him. “Take a look, this is a bit odd. See this posh lady here, yeah? This is from the hidden camera outside in the carpark. You couldn’t miss her, look at the legs on her and everything, right? Anyway, she keeps her head down once she nears the hospital, in she goes, through reception and down this corridor and then poof! Disappears. Only shows up again ages later, coming out of the same loo. Bit weird, what?”

“Well fuck!” said Sirius grimly, staring in horror at the grey-eyed woman on the CCTV image.

“Do yous know each other?” said Hagrid, scratching his neck.

“You could say that,” said Sirius, his heart pounding. “Thanks Hagrid, I just need to make a quick call. I’ll be back, and we can go and tell Mc Gonagall.”

“Feckin’ brilliant!” said Hagrid grinning back. “Do you think your woman* has something to do with Dr Potter being set up?”

“Damn right she does!” said Sirius darkly.

“Ah Jasus!” said Hagrid, rubbing his brow. “She looks too classy to be involved in that sort of shenanigans.”

“She’s not,” said Sirius, shuddering.

Standing outside the hospital, his mind in a maelstrom, he scrolled through the contacts list on his mobile phone.

“Fucking Bellatrix,” he shivered, heart beating erratically. “What the fuck is she at? I knew she was an evil bitch, but… fucking hell!”

His phone rang and he practically dropped it in fright.

“Dr. Black, Irma Pince here. I’ve just looked over the times of the texts sent from the burner phone. They seem to have been sent at unusual hours – early mowning, middle of the night. I compared them to Dr. Potter’s on-call wota and they don’t match up at all. I’ve just sent them on to you, could you take a look and show him? I can’t seem to get hold of Dr. Potter.”

“Sure, thanks Irma,” said Sirius, hanging up and distractedly opening the attachment and scanning the data.

“Morning, afternoon, late evening, night, night, night… Fuck!” whispered Sirius, his mind racing. “This corresponds to my shifts in the ED!”

He paced furiously, staring down at the phone, before dialling.

“Well, well,” an aristocratic voice cackled on the line. “If it isn’t my long-lost cousin, the disgraced heir who ruined his parents’ life. And mine. What can I do for you, Darling?”

“It’s you, isn’t it?” said Sirius coldly. “You’re behind James Potter’s arrest. You planted the drugs and ammunition in his flat. You meant to frame me though, at least initially. What happened?”

“Change of plan. Took you rather long to figure it out, Darling,” she jeered. “I always knew you weren’t as bright as Papa made out!”

“What do you want, cousin?” said Sirius, trying his best not to sound disgusted.

“Let me see, what could I possibly want?” Bellatrix said, her bitter laughter sounding slightly unhinged. “Oh, I don’t know. How about you turn back time and stop your pathetic baby brother from ruining our family’s fortunes? From ruining the career of a brilliant genius like Tom Riddle?”

“Hang the fuck on, Darling,” said Sirius, in a derisory tone. “Tom Riddle was nothing but a quack, he made a deadly drug and then tried to cover it up!”

“He is a genius! How dare you insult him!” screamed Bellatrix.

“He’s a fucking murderer!  HE SENT HIS HENCHMEN AFTER REG AND HAD HIM MURDERED!” Sirius bellowed into his phone.

“Ha! Served him right, that’s what traitors deserve!” Bellatrix’s voice sounded livid.

“What do you want, bitch?” spat Sirius.

“I want you, cousin. I’m offering you a deal. Meet me and I call off the operation against James Potter.”

“Why would I agree to do that?” Sirius’ dug his nails into his palms to stop his voice shaking.

“Because you love him, like a brother,” Bellatrix sounded triumphant. “And if he goes to jail, I have acquaintances that will make sure he gets knifed and killed within weeks of entering Mountjoy Prison. And you wouldn’t want to be responsible for the deaths of both your brothers, now would you?”

Sirius didn’t speak.

“What you need to understand is that Riddle was making a lot of money in Slytherin Pharmaceuticals, from the production of illegal drugs – meths, ketamine, you name it. It was a wonderful cover. He wasn’t just a scientist, he was a drug lord. Became, is, one of the richest men in Europe. He has gang members all over Europe and Russia. He planned on selling the company but keeping his factory and laboratory, feigning an interest in developing new drugs. You ruined his plans. He had to go into hiding. Nobody has seen him since, aside from his closest allies. But his gang members are very loyal. They will hunt you down, you and your friends, your lover, wherever you go, if you try to double cross us.”

The line crackled.

 “Are you still there, worthless cousin?” came the singsong call. “This deal is not going to be on the table for long. Take it or leave it. It’s entirely up to you. But I need an answer. Immediately.”

“How do I know you’ll drop the operation against James?” Sirius said quietly.

“You don’t,” Bellatrix laughed. “But this was never about him. It was always about you, finishing you off, just like your brother.”

There was silence on the line.

“Where do I meet you?” Sirius said, matter-of-factly, after a long pause.

“Tonight, eleven o’clock, back of St. Godric’s hospital, behind the kitchens, near the Pathology labs,” came the delighted reply. “We’ll disable the security cameras. And don’t tell the police, Darling, we have our sources in the Gardai. I’ll be monitoring your arrival, I won’t be alone, if we see any signs that the Pigs have become involved, your handsome brother dies. Have I made myself clear?”

“Fairly clear,” came the dismissive reply.

“Well don’t mess it up, Darling,” said Bellatrix, sounding annoyed at Sirius’ composure.

“Speaking of messing things up rather spectacularly,” Sirius interrupted her. “Will Riddle be there?”

Bellatrix paused.

“If he isn’t otherwise engaged.”

She sounded angry.

“Oh spiffing, I was rather hoping to give him a piece of my mind,” said Sirius casually. “Tell him I’m… dying… to meet him.”

“You don’t seem to be taking this as seriously as you should,” she hissed.

Sirius burst out laughing.

“Oh coz! I’m always Sirius! Toodle pip!” he sounded almost condescending as he hung up on her.

He looked at his phone. It was nearly seven o’clock. Four hours.

Four hours.

 

…………………………………………..

 

“Where’s James?” Sirius asked briskly, as he walked into Remus’ flat, placing a long black umbrella beside the door. “He’s not in our place.”

“No idea, sorry,” said Remus, coming up behind him and resting his chin on Sirius’ shoulder, wrapping his long arms around him. “You worried about him? He’s taken to going for a run at this time, in the dark, so he won’t be recognised.”

Sirius cursed inwardly.

“I know, it’s one of the only things that help him. That’s fine, I’ll call over later,” said Sirius, closing his eyes and relishing the closeness.

“Have you heard from Lily? She was due home a while ago, I tried texting and calling her but no answer,” said Remus. “I hope she’s alright, she looked wrecked today.”

“She’s not alright, not fine at all,” said Sirius. “But she will be, and she deserves to be. She’ll be fine. They both will be.”

Remus regarded Sirius quizzically.

“Someone’s very upbeat tonight,” he said. “What happened?”

“Oh you know, this and that,” Sirius said, leaning into Remus. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”

“Sirius, where is this going?” said Remus, raising an eyebrow sceptically.

“Fill my life with gladness, take away my sadness, ease my troubles that’s what you do,” Sirius sang.

“God, you’re so off key!” laughed Remus, kissing Sirius’ neck playfully. “What have I done to deserve this Golden Oldie?”

He was surprised but relieved to see Sirius looking less stressed than he had been since the arrest.

“Nothing, you’ve done nothing except just be you,” he said, turning around. “I love you, Remus Lupin. Rather a lot.”

“The feeling is more than mutual,” said Remus in a low voice, holding the back of Sirius’ neck and kissing him softly.

“I want you to know how much I love you,” Sirius said smiling at him, as he deepened the kiss. “I want tonight to be special.”

“Every night with you is special,” said Remus, kissing him back fervently. “That’s as soppy as I get.”

“That’ll do, Remus,” Sirius said, taking Remus by the hand and dragging him towards the bedroom.

 

……………………….

 

“Smoking again?” said Remus, coming out onto the small balcony and breathing in the cold night air.

“One last time,” said Sirius, with a short laugh, turning and glancing at Remus.

“Are you alright? You seem… I don’t know… sad,” said Remus, looking at Sirius’ profile and frowning.

“I am, a little, I suppose,” Sirius said, looking straight ahead.

“Is there anything I can do?” asked Remus, stroking Sirius’ hair.

He hated seeing Sirius so upset about James.

“There is,” Sirius said, putting out the cigarette and turning to look at Remus. “Promise me you’ll always allow yourself to… that you won’t let Fenrir stop you from giving relationships a go?”

“What are you.. I’m here, Sirius, am I not? I don’t get what…?” Remus looked at him in confusion.

“Promise me,” Sirius said.

“Alright,” said Remus, shaking his head, baffled. “I promise.”

“I love you, Remus Lupin,” said Sirius. “I can’t kiss you right now, or I’ll never leave.”

“Where are you going?” said Remus, feeling suddenly cold.

“Just calling in on James,” said Sirius.

He moved rather abruptly, as though in a hurry to leave.

“Sirius, what is going…”

The door closed swiftly behind him. Seconds later, he watched as Sirius’ motorbike roared into life and he pulled away at breakneck speed.

“What the hell is going on?” said Remus, staring as the leather clad figure disappeared from sight, the black umbrella now strapped to his back.

 

 

..........................................

 

  * Your woman – Irish mannerism, meaning that woman



 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments very welcome! I've been so happy with the positive feedback from this fic so far - thanks so much, I really appreciate it a lot!!


	11. Dive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riddle, Bellatrix and his gang close in...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for blickScondiblick (or @myloveluna on tumblr) - Happy Birthday and sorry this is a day late!! You are amazing and so generous and kind and you should all read her Jily fics immediately and follow her! Hope you had a wonderful Birthday
> 
> PS I know it may not seem like it, but I swear I was sober writing this... I just went a bit off piste (*wtf Mia, wtf*????)

Chapter 11: Dive

 

 

 

“Right,” said Lily, as they reached the hospital reception area. “We’ll go in my car, it’s only a five to ten-minute drive up to the Garda Station. Pettigrew, what are you doing?”

Peter’s face jerked up, as he pocketed his mobile quickly.

“Er, nothing much, just…” he stammered.

“What did you just do?” asked Lily, whipping out her own phone. “I swear, if you just called those bastards to-“

She felt cold metal against the small of her back.

“This is a gun, Dr Evans,” she heard a cold voice whisper. “Lucky we happened to be in the vicinity on other business. Another gun is pointing at Dr. Pettigrew. You either do as you’re told, or both of you die, and same goes for your pathetic little boyfriend. Understood?”

Lily’s head spun. She could scream, create a scene, try to fight? But James. They could hurt James.

“Understood,” she said sullenly, trying to get a good look at the woman behind her.

She caught a flash of black hair and sunglasses.

“Move,” she told Lily, jabbing the metal into her back.

“Where to?” asked Lily, scowling at Pettigrew.

She was stupidly delighted at how terrified he seemed. The bastard.

“Pathology department,” came the reply.

Lily began walking slowly.

 

 

…………………………..

 

Running. Freedom. No equipment needed. Just him and the hard ground. The cool night air felt of damp growth. Springtime arriving. He thought he smelled Lily of the Valley.

Lily.

His steady rhythm faltered.

He was utterly sure he had done the right thing. But that didn’t stop him feeling awful about it. The only thing that was keeping him sane was this run. This two-hour run every day. He had given up trying to figure out who was behind this. None of it made sense. He didn’t want to think how he was going to cope if he ended up in jail. Not if, when.

His phone buzzed and he slowed down, jogging to a stop. Glancing at his notifications, he saw a message from Pince. Interesting. As his finger hovered prior to opening the attachment, he heard a swift movement behind him. Even as he turned, he felt a jab to his back, his muscles seized uncontrollably, his phone dropped out of his hand and he fell to the ground.

 

……………………………………..

 

“What the fuck, Sirius?” Remus said to himself angrily.

He felt uneasy. Scared. Pathetically scared.

“Shit!”

Remus was seated on the edge of the dining room chair, staring blankly at his phone. No answer from James, Lily or Peter. And none from Sirius. He couldn’t stand it. He scrolled through his contacts and rang the number.

“Hello?” Minerva Mc Gonagall’s voice crackled at the end of the line.

“Hello Professor, it’s Remus Lupin here. Sorry to bother you…” he stopped short.

“Yes?” Mc Gonagall sounded anxious. “Is everything alright, Remus?”

“I don’t know, Professor. I don’t think so.”

“Explain yourself,” she said urgently.

It sounded so stupid.

“This is really stupid, but…”

 

………………………………

 

“Where are we going?” Sirius asked.

He sounded bored.

“If you must know, we’re going into the Pathology department. It’s being redeveloped at the moment. Builders in. New autopsy room. But tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, so nobody will be here,” said Rosier.

He could hear the smile on Rosier’s face.

“Never liked Pathology,” said Sirius, sighing. “All those slides with pink and purple blobs that looked the same to me. Deathly dull.”

Rosier pushed him forwards.

“Hurry up, Black,” he hissed threateningly. “You won’t be bored for much longer!”

“I don’t know, if I have to continue listening to you, I might fall asleep,” said Sirius, stifling a loud yawn.

Rosier grabbed his arm and pulled him in through the double doors and down the dark corridor.

It smelled of formaldehyde. The chemical used to preserve bodies, to stop bodies from decomposing. Sirius’ mouth went dry. He steadied his nerve.

“There’s no need to manhandle me, I’m coming willingly. By the way, looking at you isn’t any better, Rosier,” scoffed Sirius. “Your dress sense is hideous. Does you mother still pick out your clothes?”

He laughed when Rosier’s face took on a darker hue. She obviously did.

“Shut up,” said Snape, who was walking behind him. “You talk too much.”

“You exist…” retorted Sirius, giving Snape a withering look.

“Fuck’s sake!” muttered Rosier, barging through another corridor and into the blocked off section marked Pathology Department.  “Can’t wait for Riddle to get rid of this fellow, he’s insufferable.”

“Aw, how kind,” said Sirius beaming at him. “Insufferable is my best mood. Ask my mother.”

“Get inside!” hissed Snape, with a shove that sent Sirius straight through the heavy door and into the lab.

Sirius dropped the umbrella and it bounced and lay unnoticed beside the armchair.

“Ah, Dr. Black, pleased to meet you again.”

He looked up and saw Tom Riddle, a thin smile on his face, occupying the only (and rather incongruous) armchair in the room. His cousin Bellatrix, looking the spitting image of his mother, stood behind him, a gloating, maniacal gleam in her eyes.

“Tom,” he winced dramatically, barely inclining his head. “Frightfully sorry to have to point this out, but that’s a very middle class greeting, old chap, I wouldn’t use it again if I were you. We never use that phrase, it’s how do you do. For future reference.”

His tone dripped with condescension, and he watched as Bellatrix’s features contorted in rage.

“Relax, Coz, he was always trying to fit into aristocratic circles and never succeeded. Mamma and Papa used laugh about it behind his back!” he snorted.

He was positively enjoying himself now.

“They never dared!” Bellatrix screamed, waving a loaded gun in his direction. “Tom Riddle was, is, a genius and they were PROUD to know him! Proud to be associated with him!”

“No doubt proud of the dosh he kept sending their way, bankrolling Mamma’s visits to the Plastic Surgeons and Papa’s gambling addiction,” Sirius sneered. “But he was never one of us.”

Behind him he heard Snape inhale sharply.

“His mother was distantly related to the Queen!” shrieked Bellatrix, still pointing her gun at Sirius.

“German, was she?” laughed Sirius. “Whatever, most of us are not so distantly related at this stage. She was penniless, but his father was an immigrant from Russia who made a fortune trading on the stock-market. Refused to acknowledge her when she became pregnant.”

Sirius was regarding Bellatrix fearlessly, and getting great joy out of the utter terror that lit her features as he uttered these words.

“Rather odd that he’s so hell-bent on getting rid of foreigners In Britain, when he’s half foreign himself?”

He didn’t give a flying fuck about this bullshit, in fact he had constantly fought with his parents about these kinds of matters, but he knew for a fact that Riddle was a racist and a snob.

He was right. Riddle was angry. His face twisted grotesquely as he tried to hold his features in a neutral expression.

“Bring in the spares,” he said tersely, turning to Rosier who bent forwards obsequiously as he left the room.

“Taken to making your hence men bow before you, have you Tom?”  said Sirius in a pleasant tone of voice. “Slightly over the top, what? I think you may have watched a few too many Bond movies.”

He could tell Riddle was struggling to find an adequate retort and he burst out laughing.

“Your sense of humour was never your forte, was it, Darling?” he said, unable to resist smirking at Riddle.

The door swung open once more and a white looking Lily Evans and Peter Pettigrew stumbled forwards - Rosier, Avery and a large man wearing a bulletproof vest behind them. He was armed. Sirius stared at his friends. They looked frozen, their lips blue, their bodies shaking visibly. Lily gave him a tiny nod and a small smile.

Fuck. He really hadn’t expected that. This messed up his plan enormously.

His plan had been simple yet elegant, in his opinion. Record as much incriminating information as possible about Riddle and his entourage on the Black family umbrella (aka sophisticated recording equipment, and more; probably worth about £100,000. Nobody seemed to have missed it when Reg left it for him in the Potter’s house the day he disappeared). Then drive them mad (his special talent), get shot in the head to shut him up, and die a relatively painless death. Or switch to plan B and possibly try to utilise the umbrella’s other secret weapon. While simultaneously saving his brother’s life and doing something good. For a change. For once in his entire bloody futile life. Bringing down the people who had killed his baby brother Reg.

Remus would understand. Remus deserved better anyway. Remus was going to end up with some dashingly handsome, fucking well-balanced individual and thinking about that nearly killed him, but Remus had always been out of his league. In the long run, he would have no doubt gotten tired of his endless stupidity and emotional baggage and moved on. And besides, he couldn’t let himself think of Remus, or he would fall apart.

Meanwhile, the umbrella was still recording, transferring the data to his icloud account and he needed to think fast.

“Evans and Pettigrew - what a lovely College reunion,” said Sirius, doing an admirable job of keeping his voice steady. “Who’s that beside Rosier? Avery? Good Lord, man, I hardly recognised you! You’ve aged terribly, poor sod. Baldness doesn’t suit you, I’m afraid. Too much anabolic steroid use?”

Lily snorted and Peter looked at him as though he were bonkers and shook his head in terror.

“Problem, Pettigrew?” snapped Sirius.

“He does have a bit of a problem, actually,” said Avery, looking at Sirius and sniffing. “It appears he told this Paddy** here about what we’d been up to. Can’t say we allow that sort of carry on in our organisation.”

“I knew you were involved in this, you little shit!” said Sirius, lunging towards Peter in rage.

“Shut up!” said Bellatrix, motioning to the heavy-set armed man.

The man stepped forward and the side of his gun smashed into Sirius’ face.

He fell to the floor, his ear ringing as the room went in and out of focus. The blackness receded after some time and he felt blood pouring down his temple.

“Sirius!” said Lily, stepping forwards.

“Get back here, you bitch!” said Rosier, grabbing her by the hair and pulling her backwards.

“I’m fine, Evans, don’t mind her,” said Sirius, his vision blurring. “My cousin was always a bit temperamental. Prone to pouting and tantruming if she doesn’t get her own way. That’s why she has so many lines around her lips. Ages her terribly. She’s forty but looks at least-“

“I’m eight years older than you, you bastard!” shouted Bellatrix, enraged. “I’m not even forty!”

“ _Of course_ you aren’t,” said Sirius, standing up gingerly and rolling his eyes at Lily, perfectly aware of the fact that she was correct. “There, there, Trixie, what age will we agree you are, for the purposes of this conversation?”

He knew he was asking for trouble, but it was worth it. Seeing the bastards seething instead of just finishing them all off. And he needed time to think. _How the fuck was he going to get Lily out of this alive?_

Tom Riddle seemed to be thinking something similar.

“These two are most inconvenient,” he said, his voice dangerously quiet. “I haven’t decided how to dispose of you yet, Pettigrew. I’m most displeased with you.”

Peter whimpered audibly.

“Sir, I immediately rectified the situation,” he whispered, unable to look Riddle in the eye. “Nobody else knows anything-“

“No thanks to you,” Riddle coldly interrupted. “Clearly you both need to die, I just haven’t decided how. It will come to me. I’m rather creative when it comes to planning a murder. Or two?”

He turned to Bellatrix who laughed immediately.

“Ugh! You’re such a bloody…” commented Sirius, looking disgusted.

“A sycophant?” added Lily, who was regarding Bellatrix with contempt.

“Precisely!” said Sirius, flashing her a smile, despite the pain in his jaw.

“If you don’t shut up for one damned minute, I will personally finish you!” said Riddle, losing his composure and glaring at Sirius. “Bring in the other bastard!”

Sirius’ blood ran cold. Fuck Bellatrix. He looked at her and saw her lips curl triumphantly. He had been a complete fool. He turned towards the door and steeled himself. This time when the double doors burst open, it was James who landed on the floor, in handcuffs, another Heavy now standing behind him, wordlessly tucking a gun into his side. Probably not locals, Sirius surmised. Most likely Russian Mafia. Or whatever Riddle’s men called themselves.

“Always so clumsy,” he said, sighing heavily. “Do try and be a bit more careful, Prongs.”

He bent down to give James a hand up.

“You don’t look like you’ve been particularly careful yourself, Pads,” James commented dryly, raising his right eyebrow marginally.

 Sirius shook his head. Unspoken words passed between them, much as they had done when they were constantly in trouble at school, and in front of the Principal. Over their years in boarding school, they had developed their own special code, based on 1920s slang. Their eyes locked and reached agreement.

“Fuzz*?” asked Sirius, pointing vaguely in James’ direction.

“Nah,” said James, shaking his head regretfully, as he scratched his stubble. “Er, was thinking of growing a beard but doesn’t suit me.”

“Thought as much. By the way, we have guests, Prongs,” Sirius added, glancing in the direction of Lily and Peter.

James’ face fell and he turned white, staring at her in horror.

“I know, awful pair, can’t stand those two!” said Sirius, squeezing his arm tightly.

“Fuck!” said James, recovering rapidly, but unable to keep his eyes away from Lily. “What are they doing here? I thought we had seen the last of Evans. That bitch is friends with that fucker Snape. Broke up with me, hates me now. And Pettigrew, frankly you can go fuck yourself. I’ve no idea how you got involved but if I get out of here, I swear to God, you’re so dead!”

Snape looked pleased. He had been horrified when he found out about Lily being captured, and he had no idea what to do to save her, if possible. And the fact that she had called off her liaison with Potter was music to his ears.  Peter shifted uncomfortably and stepped back.

“For crying out loud,” said Rosier looking at Pettigrew. “Are you completely idiotic? He’s handcuffed and surrounded by armed, trained men!”

“He’s just a massive coward,” said Sirius breezily. “And a double-crossing wanker. You can keep him.”

“Oh, he’s all yours!” agreed James, winking at Peter cheerfully.

He had no idea what exactly Peter had done, or if Sirius was playing a ruse. He stole a quick look at Lily. She was looking confused, scanning him anxiously, her eyes resting on the lump over his forehead and cheekbone and on his burst lip, where he had hit the ground. And on his handcuffs.

“So, the decision about what to do with these two,” said Avery, motioning towards Lily and Peter.

“Inconvenient,” said Riddle, looking annoyed. “I already know what to do with the original targets. It will look like someone thought Potter was going to make a deal with the authorities, he gets killed by Black, and then Black himself gets shot, presumably when someone finds out he was in fact the real rat. We’ll make sure to send incriminating texts and that Black has the appropriate residue on his hands.”

“Absolutely fabulous! I adore your plan,” said Bellatrix eagerly, clapping her hands together.

“Where do we dispose of the bodies?” asked Snape.

“We don’t. We leave them here. I have everything ready. Even two autopsy bags. We’ll start the whole process for them, I think? After all, the Coroner will want a forensic autopsy. They’ll both be clearly labelled as death by unnatural causes?” Riddle joked, his laughter eerie in the echoing space. “You’ll help out the poor Pathologist, won’t you, Bella?”

He smiled proudly at his star pupil.

“Oh yes, I shall, on both bodies!” Bellatrix grinned at Sirius, as he tried not to shudder. “I’ve been practising the Y-shaped incisions that run down the front of the chest, meeting at the lower point of the breastbone. Then I’ll have to use the shears to open up the chest cavity and-“

Lily made a distressed noise and Bellatrix laughed uproariously.

“You really should consider setting up your own fucking drama school, Trixie,” sighed Sirius, staring back at his cousin. “Although I’m sorry to say that your tone is excessively simpering? It jars with the mood you’re trying to create here. Sorry not sorry.”

“Lol, it really is quite cringe, Love,” said James, grimacing as though in sympathy with her. “It’s like you were aiming for a horror film and, well, ended up with a musical?”

Bellatrix looked at him, momentarily dumbstruck with horror.

“You know, I might start your autopsy while you’re still alive, cousin!” she spat out eventually, staring at Sirius with real hatred.

“And you, pathetic do-gooder,” she continued, turning to James. “We might knee cap you, or even give you a six-pack*** before we shoot you dead. Make it look like the Real IRA was involved?”

Tom Riddle nodded approvingly.

“Excellent suggestions!” he said, smiling faintly. “Any bright idea what to do with our two spares?”

“Well,” she said, deep in thought. “We could always leave them in the walk-in freezer where we were holding them earlier? It should still take over thirty-six hours for them to be found, by which stage they’ll be well dead?”

James felt his chest constrict with fear as he looked at Lily. She was looking back at him, terrified for his safety. He wished he could talk to her, even just to say goodbye and I love you. He turned to Sirius and gave a barely perceptible nod.

“And fuck you too, Pads,” said James loudly, looking at Sirius angrily. “I just found out you transferred funds out of my account. That’s my fucking money! Don’t suppose you figured out how to get rid of my bracelets too?*”

“Obviously! You’re so dim sometimes! Listen, Darling – that’s in the flogger*. I bought that oil painting entitled “I brought soup* beside the armchair”, I thought if we moved the painting called “our getaway sticks” * that leaves the Brunos* next to it, and then they get filled with daylight *. I mean art needs good daylight, right? Then it’s just chin music* on our part, and hope to avoid a wooden kimono*? That still leaves the button men* with dotty*, which isn’t duck soup*!”

“What? You fucking imbecile! You wasted my money on fucking trying to buy bird’s nest soup and priceless Japanese artefacts? And then shitty modern art?” shouted James, looking apoplectic with rage. “You pompous, pretentious little bastard! We’re going to need to kiss* the two big cats too, aren’t we? Did you also buy the one entitled “Throwing an ing-bing* and hope the bimbos* get sore with us* and move away from the Jane*”? You’re a fucking wanker! How stupid can you get! That portrait of The Bimbos was overpriced! I told you not to buy it! That was my money!”

“What the absolute fuck are they talking about?” said Avery, running his fingers through his receding hairline self-consciously.

“Fucked if I know!” said Rosier, sighing wearily.

“Yeah sure. Your money?” said Sirius, playing along. “Most of that money has nothing to do with the Potters, and you know it! It belonged to my uncle!”

“Your uncle?” shouted James, attempting to gesture using his manacled hands and getting stuck half-way. “You fuck up my entire inheritance and then you have the cheek to try to keep Uncle Alphard’s bloody dosh all to yourself? Don’t tell me you bought “They still have the bean shooters* and possibly shiv* but the Big Sleep’s* coming anyway so let’s cast a kitten*”? You’re a selfish bastard, Pads!”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“That painting is a fucking masterpiece and you know it! Yes, that’s the plan. It was a steal at £20,000. Don’t you dare try to get near my money!” he sneered. “It’s all Black money, mine! Alphard would have a fit if he thought you’d gotten your grubby little paws on it!”

Bellatrix and the others stared at them in confusion.

“They were always squabbling about shit like this, like complete eejits,” interrupted Lily, looking irritated. “I mean it’s all overpriced bullshit if you ask me! I bet those snobs in Sotheby’s couldn’t believe their luck when Sirius started attending their high-end art auctions. He’s so obviously clueless.”

“Oh my God, could they be more fucking annoying?” said Snape, furiously grinding his teeth.

“I was going to give you a painting too, Evans, before you broke it off with me,” said James, his hazel eyes warm as he looked at Lily steadily. “It was called Handcuff*, belonged to my mother.”

She didn’t answer, feeling like it meant something, what he had just said.

“Handcuff?” said Sirius looking at James in complete surprise. “You never told me you were planning on giving her that? Oh yes, now I remember, the black box? You sly bastard.”

“We’re not married, I don’t have to tell you everything, Pads,” said James.

“That painting is _way_ too kinky for Evans,” said Sirius, seeing that James was still looking at Lily, for too long and with too much passion in his eyes. “And it’s part of a set, the other painting is called Manacles* and it’s extremely hot? You should buy it!”

“Really, you think?” snorted James. “I’ll keep it in mind if we make it out of here alive!”

“Don’t you tell me what’s too kinky for me, Sirius Black!” said Lily, narrowing her eyes. “I can do kinky just as well as you can, I’ll have you know!”

“Oh Lord, not your competitive streak, Evans!” said Sirius, rolling his eyes at her. “Nobody does kink like Sirius Orion Black, end of!”

Bellatrix and Riddle shared a look.

“He’s literally about to die, rather unpleasantly, and he hasn’t stopped talking about sex?” asked Riddle, looking put out. “Can one of you please explain to me what is wrong with that man?”

“He’s a sex addict,” said James matter-of-factly.

“Thanks for sharing that, Prongs!” said Sirius, looking hurt. “Yes, fine, it’s an addiction, one of my many, get over it!”

“He’s an air head,” said Bellatrix, shrugging.

“How did he get through College?” asked Riddle.

“Family connections? Bribes?” said Bellatrix dismissively.

“Anyway, stop avoiding the real issue, Black! You’ve definitely nicked some of my money,” spat James, ignoring them. “This isn’t the first time you’ve secretly transferred funds into one of your bank accounts and then tried to pass it off as yours!”

“What bank accounts?” asked Bellatrix, looking confused. “I checked your bank account, and the amount of cash in it is pathetic.”

During their conversation, Sirius and James had slowly moved further and further away from where the black umbrella lay on the ground, discarded at Tom Riddle’s feet.

“Oh _that_ bank account!” said James. “Well obviously! Surely being a Black you understand how offshore accounts work?”

“I’m delighted you brought this up,” began Bellatrix. “I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to transfer some of my dear cousin’s deposits into ours.”

“Cash or check*?” asked James, watching Sirius’ face intently.

“Cash,” said Sirius, with a curt nod.

It was the signal.

She started to move towards them, gun still in her hand.

“Fuck you!” shouted James, throwing himself on top of Sirius and kicking at him.

“Get off me, you bastard!” yelled Sirius.

As they rolled on the floor nearer to Lily and Peter, Sirius’ deft fingers had removed the tiny tool from his jacket pocket and inserted it into the handcuffs, clicking them open.

“On the count of three,” he muttered, watching as the two large men removed themselves from Lily and Peter’s side and made a beeline for them.

Sirius pressed the button which he had attached to his leather jacket, making it look like a badge. The umbrella exploded suddenly, shattering the windows and propelling everything nearest to it into the air - furniture, bodies and glass splinters flying everywhere.

Then everything went black.

 

Paddy**: Irish person (often derogatory)

**_*1920s slang:_ **

**_Fuzz:_** the police

 ** _Bracelets:_** handcuffs

 ** _That’s in the flogger:_** that’s in my jacket

 ** _I have soup:_** I have explosives

 ** _Getaway sticks:_** legs

 ** _that leaves the Brunos next to it, and then it fills them with daylight:_** that leaves the criminals next to the explosives, and then it kills them

 ** _it’s just chin music on our part and hope to avoid a wooden kimono:_** we punch them in the face and hope we avoid getting killed (a coffin)

 ** _That still leaves the button men with dotty, which isn’t duck soup:_** that still leaves the armed thugs with guns, which won’t be easy

 ** _Throwing an ing-bing and hope the bimbos get sore with us and move away from the Jane:_** start a commotion and hope the thugs get angry with us and move away from the woman (i.e Lily)

 ** _We’re going to need to kiss the two big cats too, aren’t we:_** we’re going to need to punch the two big men as well, aren’t we?

 ** _They still have the bean shooters and possibly shiv but the Big Sleep’s coming anyway so let’s cast a kitten:_** they still have the guns and possibly knives but we’re dead anyway if we do nothing, so let’s create a scene

 ** _Handcuff:_** engagement ring

 ** _Manacle:_** Wedding ring

 ** _Cash or check:_** (do you want to kiss me) now or later?

 **Knee cap and six pack ***:** Knee capping is a bullet wound to the knees used by paramilitaries such as the IRA as a form of torture to punish people. If the crime was considered grave, the victim was also shot in the ankles and elbows (colloquially known as a six pack).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wishing you all a Happy New Year!! I've so enjoyed writing this because of all the wonderful comments you've left here and as usual it's too long so the next chapter will be the last one!


	12. Give My All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previous chapter:
> 
> Sirius pressed the button which he had attached to his leather jacket, making it look like a badge. The umbrella exploded suddenly, shattering the windows and propelling everything nearest to it into the air - furniture, bodies and glass splinters flying everywhere.  
> Then everything went black...

 

**Give My All**

 

When James came to, he was coughing violently. His eyes flickered open and he rubbed at them in a daze, trying to orient himself. Smoke and thick dust filling the room. He cautiously lifted his head and shoulders and peered out.

“Fuck!” he whispered, noting the partially collapsed ceiling which had fallen on top of the armed henchmen, who lay nearest to him. He crawled over to them, commando-style, and checked their pulse. They were both dead. There was nothing he could do to help them. He saw Rosier and Avery, motionless, half-buried under the crumbled masonry. Smothering the rage in his chest, he assessed them. He couldn’t leave them to die, he thought. But they were beyond help.

He looked over at the corner of the room where Lily had been before the explosion. Nobody else was moving. He continued crawling, dimly aware of a pain in his back, but moving more quickly now. Maybe he could get her out safely. If she was alive.

“James!”

He heard her faint voice and recognised her body slumped on the ground beside the desk. Broken debris lay around her.

“Lily!” he said urgently, moving her hair off her face and seeing a deep cut on her hairline.

“I’m here James,” she smiled faintly, opening her eyes as she spoke and holding onto his shirt front weakly.

“Are you alright, Evans?” he said again, breathing a sigh of relief that she was conscious.

Lily nodded, and tried to sit up, wincing.

“Don’t move!” ordered James.

“I’m fine, I think it’s just my arm,” she whispered, looking down at the nasty-looking laceration on her right forearm, which was still bleeding profusely. “I don’t think it’s broken. And my head hurts, but it’s just a scratch. No other injuries.”

“It needs stitching. Can you stand?” he asked, looking around anxiously. “You need to get out of here and raise the alarm.”

“I’m not going anywhere without you!” said Lily. “Don’t make me cross!”

James sighed heavily.

“Fucking hell, Evans,” he said. “Come on, let’s go.”

He wasn’t going to leave Sirius, but maybe he could get Lily to somewhere safe, and come back for his brother. His heart tightened at the fear that Sirius might be badly injured. He couldn’t see Sirius anywhere. What if he was dead? He stood up gingerly and bent down to take Lily’s hand. As quietly as possible they started walking across the room, climbing over obstacles.

“One more step and you die!” a raspy voice said.

They froze immediately and turned to see Bellatrix, now standing on the opposite side of the room nearer to where the main blast had occurred. Her jacket was ripped and there was blood down the side of her face and down her trousers. The gun was aimed at Lily.

“Alright, alright,” said James, putting his hands in the air and stepping closer to Lily, calmly placing himself in front of her.

“You, hands up, now!” Bellatrix shouted at Lily.

Lily bit her lip as she tried to lift her injured arm.

“Right, you fucker,” she turned to James. “Get over here and help Riddle, or your ex dies!”

“Calm down, Trixie,” said James evenly, moving immediately towards her while keeping his arms in the air. “Where is he?”

“Beside the window,” Bellatrix shrieked, waving the gun in James’ direction.

James found Riddle’s body and crouched down immediately. He was dead, well and truly dead. He had a nasty looking head injury, as well as trauma to the abdomen and chest. There was no pulse, and his narrowed eyes were glazed over and open, pupils fixed and dilated.

“Get to work! Now!” Bellatrix screamed, pointing the gun at Lily again.

James swallowed.

“Trixie,” he said looking up briefly. “I don’t think we can save him.”  
“Don’t call me Trixie! Save him, or I swear to you, she dies instantly! You’re all doctors! Save him!” she screamed, her face red and her eyes wide. “He’s a genius, he can’t die! I owe him everything! Everything!”

James shivered. He closed Riddle’s eyes quickly and tore open his shirt.

“I’ll start CPR,” he said, his own pulse racing furiously in his throat.

Lily stared at James and they exchanged a brief look. They were fucked.

“Snape, get over there and see what that moron is doing! Now, damn it!”

Lily and James looked up immediately to see Snape getting up slowly, looking confused, coughing into his sleeve, but looking otherwise unhurt.

“Hurry the fuck up, and bring your gun, you fool, before I change my mind and finish you off too!” she snapped.

Snape picked up his gun warily and walked over to where James was kneeling beside Riddle, compressing his chest. James could feel his own heart beat faster as Snape drew nearer to him. Snape bent down with his gun pointed at James.

“He’s dead,” James whispered. “It’s over. You’ll get better terms if you hand yourselves-“

“Quiet!” Bellatrix screamed.

She looked unstable, her eyes filled with rage, nostrils flaring, face flushed, her whole posture ready to pounce. James knew she was more dangerous than ever, unable to think straight. He saw Snape looking at Riddle’s body with fear and cursed inwardly.

“He’s dead,” Snape said, taking a deep breath, and keeping his tone neutral. “Killed by the blast.”

Bellatrix’s expression changed instantly to utter horror.

“What? That can’t be true! Don’t lie to me, Snape!”

“He’s dead,” said Snape, standing up and looking at her guardedly. “There’s nothing to be done. We need to get out of here, Trixie.”

“Noooooo!”

It was a prolonged shriek that sounded inhuman. Her hands had fallen by her side and her breath was unsteady. There was utter silence as the others stared at her in frozen watchfulness for what felt like hours.

“You’re all going to pay for this!” she said.

Her voice had changed, it was now cold and ruthless.

“Snape, kill the Paddy,” she ordered, striding over to them, her gun firmly pointed at James. “I’m going to kill this bastard!”

“I… we need her, Trixie,” Snape began, his voice shaking.

“True… yes, we need a hostage,” said Bellatrix. “Good thinking. Make sure she doesn’t escape. Move!”

Snape nodded curtly and made his way to where Lily stood, gun now digging into her back.

“Don’t hurt him!” Lily cried, looking from Snape to Bellatrix.

“I don’t care what happens to him,” said Snape. “He deserves to die, I’ve always hated him. I only care about you. It’s always been you!”

She gave an involuntary shiver, seeing the way Snape looked at her, his dark eyes burning with desire, as though he now had a chance with her, as though she belonged with him.

“This is for being a traitor, England for the English!” said Bellatrix, aiming her gun at James’ leg.

She pulled the trigger and Lily screamed as the bullet pierced James’ thigh. She saw him clutch his leg in pain and stifle a moan.

“Stop her, Sev!” she cried desperately. “Stop! I’m pregnant! He’s going to be a father! We need him!”

Snape practically dropped his gun in shock, a look of horror spreading across his face. She locked eyes with James. The look on his face – it was a mixture of sorrow and gladness and it made her want to cry.

“You’ll make a great mother, Lily,” he said, a faint smile momentarily replacing the pain in his features. “I love you. So much.”

She was crying now, and she couldn’t stop.

“I love you, James,” she said.

“I thought you two split up,” Snape hissed at her, the gun prodding her back harder.

It was difficult to tell who looked more repulsed – Snape or Bellatrix, but Lily’s expression as she looked at Snape topped them both.

“So? It’s always been James,” she said, narrowing her eyes and staring back at him with disgust. “Just James. Always James.”

“That’s sickly sweet, but completely besides the point!” spat out Bellatrix. “This is for being part of the conspiracy against Slytherin Pharma!”

She pulled the trigger and aimed for his other thigh, James falling backwards and cursing as the bullet embedded itself in his groin. He was pale and sweating, blood pouring from his leg, it looked like she had hit a vein, and Lily could see he was going to go into shock soon.

“Fuck that!” she muttered.

She wanted to save the baby, which meant saving herself, but she wasn’t about to stand and watch him die. She turned suddenly and Snape yelped in alarm as she made a grab for the gun.

“Let go, Lily! You’ll get yourself killed!” shouted Snape, struggling to maintain a grip on the weapon.

“You let go, you bastard!” Lily snarled. “You were happy to watch him die! You murderers!”

Snape couldn’t understand where her sudden strength had come from. She was like a small tiger, despite her injured arm, and he couldn’t control her, his hands were sweating with effort and fear and the gun was slipping.

“Let go!” he screamed at her again.

Lily didn’t reply, all her energy focused on removing the gun from Snape’s fingers. Bellatrix had stopped to watch, her aim moving between them, but unable to take a clear shot as the two figures moved around in a circle. Feeling the gun slipping from his grasp, Snape kicked out at Lily, and she stumbled backwards, Snape falling forwards, all four hands still on the gun. Lily turned sideways as she hit the ground, shielding her abdomen, and Snape instinctively moved his hand to break his fall.

A single shot rang out.

“Lily!” James cried, desperately trying to stand up and feeling himself losing consciousness as he fell back onto the floor.

“Get away from him or I shoot!”

Lily stood up slowly, the gun pointing firmly at Bellatrix. Like she knew what she was doing. The corner of Bellatrix’s mouth curled with distaste. Snape lay motionless on the ground.

“What? Think you’re the only one here who can use a gun? I grew up on a farm. My father taught me,” answered Lily, her voice calm and laced with threat. “Step away from him and drop the gun. I won’t harm you. You’re surrounded. This place is swarming with crew from the Emergency Response Unit. Didn’t you notice?”

Bellatrix looked at Lily with confusion, her eyes straying briefly towards the blown-out windows. She caught fleeting glances of dark figures wearing ballistic armour, combat helmets, assault rifles. They appeared to be moving into position. Her eyes widened and she moved away from their line of fire. She moved her arms so that she was pointing at James again. Lily hesitated.

“Change of plans, sweetie!” she cackled, moving swiftly so that she was holding James in front of her, gun pointing at his head. “He’s going to be my hostage now! Going to risk shooting your boyfriend? You do realise the Gardai will think you’re one of us?”

Lily’s hands shook. She couldn’t risk it.

“What do you want?” she said.

“I want to negotiate with the Irish Pigs,” she sneered. “Go to the window and tell them. Tell them I have a hostage.”

Lily nodded, keeping her gun trained on Bellatrix and praying that the police tactical unit didn’t shoot her on the spot. She kept away from the window and edged closer to it.

“She wants to negotiate, she has a hostage, she’s part of Riddle’s gang. I’m one of the doctors,” Lily shouted, cupping her hand to project her voice.

“We’re sending a phone, tell her to answer it,” a gruff voice answered.

They seemed to have a loudspeaker or something, Lily thought. Seconds later a small, wrapped item flew through the window and landed at her feet. She dropped to the ground and picked it up, all the while keeping her gun pointed at Bellatrix. She placed it on the ground and shoved it over to Bellatrix, looking at James, her chest constricting. He looked in a bad way - his face was grey, and his eyelids were fluttering, like he was trying to remain conscious. Blood was collecting on the ground beside him. He should be lying down, she thought, getting more oxygen to his brain.

Bellatrix picked up the mobile and pressed the button as soon as it rang.

“Hello, this Ebony,” she said in a jeering tone. “You will do exactly as I say, or all the civilians in here die. Do I make myself clear?”

She held the gun firmly to James’ temple, the other hand holding the phone up to her ear, facing Lily. As Bellatrix made her demands, Lily’s heart skipped a beat - she saw something moving behind Bellatrix, moving painfully slowly, a haggard looking figure covered in blood, looking half dead, his leather jacket in tatters, dragging himself forwards by pure will.

What the ever-living fuck was Sirius Black trying to do? She made sure that her expression remained unchanged, her grip on the gun tightening.

A sudden noise near the door made her jump. It was Peter Pettigrew. He had been trying to escape, and he had almost made it out unnoticed, until he stumbled over a piece of metal. Bellatrix’s hand flew up and she fired a shot. Peter’s mouth opened as though to speak, before collapsing lifeless onto the ground, blood oozing from his forehead. He was dead.

“Wormy…” said James, his voice barely a whisper, as Bellatrix’s gun slammed onto his temple once more.

“What’s happening?” said a sharp voice on the mobile.

“And then there were two!” said Bellatrix.

She paused and laughed, an eerily cold sound, which was suddenly cut off. The figure behind her lunged forwards, knocking her off balance and sending them tumbling across the floor.

“The fuck?” groaned James, trying to crawl towards them, dragging his legs behind him. “Sirius!”

He sank helplessly as everything started to go black.

“I’m going to kill you!” Bellatrix screamed as she wrestled with Sirius. “I thought you were dead! You were supposed to die!”

“Think again, witch!” said Sirius, his voice barely recognisable.

Bellatrix fired two shots which went wide as they continued thrashing about on the floor. Lily threw herself on the ground and crawled in front of James, throwing off her jumper and pressing down firmly on his leg, still holding the gun. She couldn’t fire at Bellatrix, and Lily could see Sirius looking weaker by the second. Bellatrix was getting the upper hand, as she tossed violently, a sudden movement caused the mobile phone to drop to the ground, unnoticed.

Lily ducked down and grabbed the phone.

“Get in here now! She’s trying to kill us!” she said tersely. “Middle of the room!”

Bellatrix didn’t register this, all her will bent on finishing off her cousin.

With a final heave, Bellatrix tore her arm away from his, and smashed her gun across his face, causing him to collapse next to her. He had multiple injuries, she realised, seeing his battered face and the blood soaking his chest and abdomen. He looked like it wouldn’t take much to kill him.

“Good riddance,” she snarled, pointing the gun at Sirius’ chest. “Traitor!”

Lily was about to aim for Bellatrix just as the Emergency Response Unit burst through the doors and two figures appeared at the window simultaneously, weapons all aimed at the dark- haired, frenzied figure.

Four shots rang out. For a split second, Bellatrix remained stationary. Then she crumpled in a heap beside Sirius. Lily raised her hands above her head.

She could hear the armed forces communicating through mouth pieces, relaying information about damages and casualties as she looked at Sirius and saw the blood seeping out from the new wound in his chest.

“Sirius!” she cried out. “No!”

“Let me in, damn it!” a forceful voice brought her back to the room.

The door had burst open once more and several people entered the room simultaneously, headed by Remus Lupin, who looked unstoppable. The armed personnel pointed their guns at him.

“What the fuck!” shouted the man in charge, a stocky hard-looking man in his forties. “We didn’t give you the all clear!”

“Fuck you!” said Remus, looking white as a sheet now, as he recognised Sirius’ body on the ground.

He threw himself on the ground in front of Sirius, as more medical and nursing staff came through.

“Oh God,” he whispered, paralysed momentarily. “Sirius…”

“What the-“ began the man again.

“Stand aside, your work is done, Bones,” snarled Moody, hobbling past and grimacing. “This is my brief now, I’m in charge. Move!”

There was no disobeying orders from that man.

“Moody?” Bones asked.

“Correct,” Moody said impatiently, moving towards Bellatrix and assessing her as he spoke. “Now get out. People are dead, and we don’t want more casualties! Out of my way!”

“Don’t you dare die on me, Sirius! I swear to God, I just can’t,” Remus half-sobbed, his breath uneven as he compressed Sirius’ chest rapidly, trying to keep count of the numbers of compressions as he spoke. “13, 14, 15… just because I’m not shouting it from the rooftops doesn’t mean I love you less… 22,23,24… fuck, I love you more...  shit, please don’t die… 29,30.”

Remus took a deep breath and breathed into Sirius’ mouth twice. He could hear sirens blaring, police and fire brigade and the sounds of crash trolleys being wheeled at top speed, medics and nurses shouting instructions, instruments and machines beeping.

“Stand aside, Lupin! Now!” barked a familiar voice. “I’m going to need to intubate! You’re in no fit state to be of any use! You lot - get him off the ground immediately! Move on the count of three - one, two, three!”

Remus looked up in a daze and saw Dr. Moody bellowing orders and taking control of Sirius’ body.

“Please don’t let him die,” he begged.

His broken voice was lost amid the turmoil.

He found himself standing with his back to the wall in a corner of the blasted room, unable to see what was happening. He didn’t want to know. He couldn’t bear to know. He covered his face with his hands. He was useless.

“Fuck. Please don’t die,” he said, struggling to breathe.

“Remus, listen to me, it’s Benjy. Remus, can you hear me?”

He looked up and found Benjy Fenwick standing right beside him.

“Remus, let’s move outside, let them do their jobs,” Benjy was saying, anxiety and pity written all over his face.

“I can’t leave him,” said Remus shuddering. “What if he… I need to see him, to be there…”

“You’re helping him more by letting them work undisturbed, please Remus, come with me.”

Remus felt himself being manoeuvred outside the room, and down the corridor, rain leaking in through the shattered glass which lay everywhere. He couldn’t feel it. Nothing was real any more. It was all a dream, a nightmare he couldn’t seem to wake up from. The people around him seemed unreal too, vague and surreal and numb.

“I just want him back,” he whispered to himself, looking around in desperate hope that Sirius might waltz in through the doors ahead, teasing glint in his grey eyes, with his ridiculous ability to make him laugh, and make him mad, and that adoring look, like Remus was the light of his life.

 

……………

 

 “What happened here?” said Poppy Pomfrey, who Lily recognised as the Head of Surgery, bending over James.

She turned towards Lily who was being helped up by one of the other nurses.

“Shot twice,” she croaked. “Both thighs, but the right vastus medialis, I think the bullet hit a vein, possibly the femoral vein. He’s lost a lot of blood… I tried to compress it.”

“Shit!”, said Pomfrey, starting to examine James, along with several other ED staff who were attaching him to the monitors and getting intravenous lines into his arms. “James, can you hear me?”

James’ eyes fluttered open and he grunted in reply.

 “Do you know where we are?”

“Godric’s,” James’ voice sounded faint.

“Can you remember what happened?” Pomfrey asked, watching as the information from the monitors to arm, chest and extremities registered on the screen.

“Shot,” said James, closing his eyes.

“Any pain?”

James nodded his head.

“James!” said Lily, lurching forwards.

She tried to get to James but collapsed onto the ground, Hagrid catching her at the last minute. She hadn’t noticed him there. His strong presence made her feel less desperate.

“She needs to be assessed too!” shouted Pomfrey. “That cut on her forehead needs stitching, so does her arm, and she needs a complete workup. Get her over to the ED immediately, use the wheelchair!”

“No! I need to help James!” Lily’s voice was cracked with fear.

“Jasus, no way, Lily!” said Hagrid, gently but firmly. “Let them do their job, please!”

Lily collapsed back onto the wheelchair.

“Get him to theatre immediately!” Lily ordered.

“Will do, Lily. I promise!” said Pomfrey, giving her a quick smile and then turning all her attention on James.

 “My wife is pregnant… she needs help,” James said urgently, suddenly very awake, grabbing hold of Pomfrey’s wrist and looking the other medic straight in the eyes. “Sort her out first! She’s the priority!”

“Wife?” asked Pomfrey, looking momentarily confused. “Yes, don’t worry, James.”

“Thank you,” James sighed with relief, and his voice grew faint as his head fell back onto the stretcher under him, and lost consciousness.

“We need to bring him to theatre immediately,” said Pomfrey to the other staff working on James. “Follow the protocol for the IV fluids and cross-match for blood. He looks like he’s going to need a transfusion quickly. Get Orthopaedic Consultant on call to join me ASAP. I never thought I’d say this, but thank God for the rise in gangland crime in Dublin these days, we’re all experienced in gunshot wounds!”

“Stupid man!” said Lily, shaking her head anxiously, tears in her eyes. “He’s been fucking shot, for crying out loud!”

“But you are… pregnant, yeah?” said Hagrid softly. “I’ll need to let the ED staff know?”

Lily gulped.

“Yeah, I am,” she said, gripping the side of the wheelchair tightly. “And my baby needs a father!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, cliffhanger, but I will post the final chapter very quickly if you want to read it now? It's basically ready to go, was just too long!!!


	13. Hanging on the Words You Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13: Will there be a happy ending for our medical heroes???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY to inakindofdaydream here on ao3 (also @inakindofdaydream on tumblr)!!!! You are an absolute sweetheart and incredibly talented writer so if you haven't read Melina's fics, check them out now immediately!! I really hope you enjoy this final chapter...

 

 

**Hanging on the Words You Say**

 

 

 “Remus!”

He turned and Lily was flying into his arms, hugging him so tightly he could hardly breathe, which was apparently exactly what he needed.

“Remus, I’m so sorry, are you alright?” Lily said, still holding onto him. “How is he?”

Remus swallowed.

“Not good… I…”

As soon as he said it, he felt his voice breaking and stopped.

“I don’t know if he’s going to pull through, Lily,” he managed to whisper. “He’s so badly hurt.”

Aside from the gunshot wound to the chest, Sirius had suffered other serious injuries in the blast – contusion to his liver and spleen, fractured ankle and clavicle and they were saying that he had developed a subdural haematoma*. The gunshot wound by itself was potentially lethal, let alone…

“He’s got to!” Lily said, hugging him again and trying not to cry.

“And James?” Remus asked, seeing her still looking so agitated, adhesive bandages on her forehead and arm.

She shook her head.

“Still in theatre,” she said, gripping Remus’ hand tightly. “They’re going to be a while, they wouldn’t tell me anything, and I couldn’t stand pacing outside, so I came to find you. I was hoping for some good news.”

Remus sighed and rubbed her shoulder.

“He’ll be fine, they both will be,” he said, trying to smile.

Lily nodded her head firmly, unable to speak. She looked worn out and...

“Lily, what else are you not telling me?” he asked.

She was breathing heavily.

“I need to sit down.”

Remus sat them both down on a bench and waited.

“I killed him. I killed Snape,” she whispered, after a long silence, shaking uncontrollably. “I didn’t mean to, but he wouldn’t let go of the gun, and then the gun went off… I don’t know whose fault it was… and I didn’t care, I had to get away from him… I just wanted to stop Bellatrix from killing James... Fuck… Remus, I killed him!”

She retched suddenly and brought up bile, wiping her face with the back of her hand.

_Shot in the chest. He could be dead now._

“Head down, Lily, head down,” said Remus, rubbing circles into her lower back and biting his lip.

“Ugh, shit,” said Lily, putting her head between her knees. “Fuck, I can’t believe what just happened!”

“It’s alright, Lily, you did good,” said Remus, as she looked up, white as a ghost. “If it wasn’t for you, James would be dead, you’d probably be dead too, and so would Sirius.”

_Dead. What if he was dead anyway?_

He held her close as she continued shaking. It was agony not knowing.

“Excuse me, Dr. Lupin?” said a grey-haired man, accompanied by an armed Garda.

“Yes?” Remus looked up, startled. “Is it Sirius?”

“No, but you need to come with me,” he said firmly.

“What’s going on?” demanded Remus brusquely, stepping in the small office with the two men.

“I’m Aberforth Dumbledore, Prof. Dumbledore’s brother,” the older man smiled. “I work for the armed forces. Professor Mc Gonagall contacted me last night after your phone call, and hence the special unit you saw today.”

“Oh,” said Remus, unsure what to think.

“Dr. Lupin, there’s a man on the line who wishes to speak to you, he’s refusing to speak to anyone else. We know who he is. It’s in relation to Sirius Black. Will you take it?” said Aberforth.

Remus nodded and took the receiver from him.

“Lupin?”

The line was poor.

“Hello?” Remus said. “Remus Lupin here, yes. Who is this?”

 

……………..

 

“It appears that Tom Riddle, notorious Drug Lord and gangland figure, whose nefarious activities emerged after the collapse of Slytherin Pharmaceuticals, has died. Riddle and several of his associates engaged in a gun battle with Irish police after taking a number of people hostage at a Hospital in Dublin today. It is reported that among those injured were James Potter, son of the late Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, for whom Riddle once worked, as well as Sirius Black, heir to the Black family fortune. Black’s injuries are said to be life-threatening and the latest statement released by the hospital reveals that he is in a coma. It is believed he was shot at close range by his cousin Bellatrix Lestrange, who was a member of Riddle’s inner circle. His brother, Regulus Black, went missing around the time of the scandal which rocked the Black family, and is presumed dead. Orion and Walburga Black refused to comment when contacted for a statement, but it is understood they are not planning on travelling to Ireland to be near their last remaining son. The Irish police are working closely with their counterparts across Europe to track down the remainder of Riddle’s gang.”

Archival video clips flashed on screen – Sirius and Regulus wearing tuxedos and walking behind their parents at a celebrity gala dinner in London. The BBC World News anchor continued talking with the reporter standing outside St. Godric’s Hospital.

He stared at the small TV screen, mesmerised. The rest of the clientele at the threadbare bar in downtown Jeremie ** ignored him, until one of the elderly women, who knew him, inhaled sharply.

“Bondye mwen, se sa l’!***”she said, pointing excitedly at the screen.

He looked from her to the TV and nodded.

“Oui, c’est mon frere… c’est ma famille,” he said, staring at the screen again.

“Move ti gason fe mal!” said the woman, patting his arm.

“Oui!” he said. “Je dois y retourner, je dois le voir!”

“Se konsa, non ou se Black?” the woman’s husband asked.

“Oui, Black, Regulus Black,” he answered. “Regulus Black. And my brother needs me, I have to go back.”

 

…………………………

 

 

“I still can’t believe you’re here, Reg!” said James, shaking his head at Regulus in wonder. “We thought you were dead!”

“I wasn’t,” said Reg, smiling briefly.

“And your memory?” Lily asked.

“Seeing Sirius, everything is coming back to me,” he said quietly.

They were all clustered beside Sirius’ bedside, in the Intensive Care Unit. James still in his hospital gown, sitting in a wheelchair, Lily standing behind him, her hands on his shoulders, unable to keep away from him. Remus standing next to Sirius’ bed, gently stroking his hair. And Regulus, sitting furthest away from them.

“I still don’t know how you survived in Haiti all these years,” said James.

“Kindness. They were kind to me, the Blaise**** family, when I washed up on that beach. I had no memory of who I was, no documents, all I knew was that I had to hide, that someone wanted me dead. I kept a very low profile. I asked them not to involve the police, I thought I was a criminal, on the run. I earned my keep doing English and French translations and cooking for them and I tried to learn Haitian Creole. I tried to stop my memory coming back. I didn’t want to remember.”

“Why?” asked Lily kindly.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“Because I knew I didn’t like who I was. I was right. I never stood up for Sirius, never stood up to my parents, to their hate-filled world view. I knew they supported fascism, racism and homophobia and I went along with it, too scared to fight them. I knew people were getting hurt, I just never realised the full extent of it. My parents would have despised the Blaises.”

“You stood up to them, Reg, you did the right thing in the end, and nearly paid for it with your life!” said James heatedly.

“Riddle’s gang sabotaged the plane,” Reg nodded. “They thought I was dead like the others. I have no idea how they managed to follow me to Puerto Rico, and the small plane I hired to fly me to Haiti only had three others on board. Riddle’s gang had eyes everywhere.”

“I’m proud of you Reg, Sirius was too,” said Remus. “He missed you so much, he blamed himself for not keeping you safe.”

Remus looked down at Sirius. He was hooked up to monitors, lines and tubes attached to him. He couldn’t bear to see him lying there. So still.

“Reg, please,” Remus said. “Please come over and talk to him. It might help.”

Reg looked over.

“I’m scared,” he mumbled.

He hadn’t once looked at his brother since entering the room.

“Don’t be,” Remus walked him over to the bedside. “Talk to him, please Reg.”

Reg nodded but he couldn’t speak, seeing his brother looking so thin and pale. So frail. Leaning over he whispered into Sirius’ ear.

“Sirius, it’s me, Reg, your annoying little brother,” he said. “I’m back, and I’m going to stay here till you’re better, and you know I hate hospitals.”

He was trying not to cry.

“I don’t do emotions, Sirius, I’m so bad at this,” he whispered. “I can’t even remember the last time we spoke properly, I think it must have been when we hid from them in the cellar and got locked in? You were fifteen. I’m remembering everything now. I remember I never told you I missed you. I remember that I never told you how I looked up to you. How proud I was of your choices, how ashamed I was of my own. I never told you I loved you.”

“Shit, what’s happening?” Regulus broke off nervously, looking up and seeing the ECG monitor beeping faster.

The closest ICU nurse came over immediately. She pressed the monitor and called over one of the doctors.

“He’s trying to breath on his own,” she said, sounding surprised.

“Sirius! It’s Remus, can you hear me?” Remus said, squeezing Sirius’ hand tightly.

Sirius’ hand twitched weakly.

“He squeezed my hand,” Remus looked at the others in shock. “He moved his hand!”

James gripped Lily’s hand which was resting on his shoulder and caught Regulus’ eye. He wheeled his chair abruptly over to Sirius’ side.

“Pads, squeeze my hand if you’re hopelessly in love with Remus Lupin!” he said loudly.

He felt Sirius’ hand move.

“Yesss!” James punched the air and grinned broadly at Remus.

“Pads, if Lily and I get married, will you be my best man?” he asked.

Remus and Lily stared at each other and James stared into Lily’s emerald eyes and held her gaze till she blushed. He grinned.

“Sirius says yes!”

“Pads, Lily is pregnant, squeeze my hand if you’d like to be the kid’s Godfather?” James said, his voice softer now as he looked at Lily.

She smiled and nodded.

“Yes, Sirius, I want you to be Godfather to our child.”

Sirius started to cough violently.

The nurse fiddled with the tubes attached to his face.

“It’s alright, Sirius, calm down,” she said briskly. “Your silly friend is trying to give you a heart attack, getting you over-excited!”

“Pah! Sirius? He’s always fucking extra!” snorted James.

“Fuck off, Prongs,” Sirius opened his eyes and wheezed dramatically, his voice cracking from lack of use, among other things. “Where’s Reg?”

And then Reg was hugging him carefully and trying not to cry.

“I’m glad you made it,” Regulus said, understated as ever, smiling at his brother.

“I’m so glad you made it too,” Sirius croaked, smiling back.

There was too much to say and neither of them knew where to start.

Sirius looked over at James and his smile intensified.

“A dad, huh?” he said.

“Yeah,” James grinned back sheepishly.

“You’ll be great, both of you,” Sirius said, winking at Lily.

He thought about telling her he hadn’t approved of her at first, but decided against it. He completely approved of her now.

Finally he turned to Remus, who he knew had been staring at him all the while.

“Remus,” he said quietly.

Remus came closer and took his hand.

“I bet I look like shit,” Sirius said, pouting.

Remus gave a watery laugh. He stroked Sirius’ face and shook his head, unable to speak. He wanted to tell Sirius he was a complete idiot, that he loved him to pieces and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

“You idiot,” he whispered instead.

Sirius sighed happily and lent back, as though exhausted by the short conversation.

“Love you too,” he smiled back, closing his eyes.

 

…………………………….

 

 

 “I’m sorry,” James said, moving his wheelchair out of the way and stopping right in front of Lily. “It was stupid. I got carried away…”

They had been eventually kicked out by the nurses, and it was just James and Lily, in the corridor outside the ICU, overlooking the sea. Lily sank down onto her knees. He leaned forwards and kissing Lily’s forehead.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” he said.

“Shush,” Lily smiled, placing her finger on his lips and silencing him. “I had already guessed.”

“Am I that obvious?” James said, bringing their foreheads together. “I had my mum’s old engagement ring ready to propose to you.”

“Well, you did refer to me as your wife when you were trying to tell Pomfrey what to do,” said Lily, looking at him tenderly. “So, yeah.”

“Shit! I remember now. I don’t think you corrected me though?” James, searching her face hopefully.

“I didn’t,” Lily said, taking hold of his gown and pulling him towards her.

“I don’t think you should marry me, for a number of reasons…” James said.

“Oh?” said Lily, looking annoyed.

“I was useless, Lily, with Riddle… I still can’t believe I fucking checked their pulses instead of taking one of their guns. I mean, you could have died, Lily! Sirius nearly did,” James said.

She was tired of hearing him apologise, tired of seeing him looking so guilty and worried, like it was all his fault, about not saving Peter too. And she was tired of feeling so awful about Snape dying, and the nightmares about James and Sirius being dead. She had spoken to Mc Gonagall about them both needing to talk, and Minnie had agreed to help. They’d all be lost without her.

“Not this again! That’s why I love you, James,” Lily said, squeezing his hands tightly. “I love you so much. All you wanted to do was to save as many people as possible, your training as a doctor kicked in once you realised it was an emergency. If you had been holding a gun, Bellatrix would have shot you on the spot when she saw us trying to leave, probably both of us.”

She kissed him slowly and softly, insistently, deeper and passionately. He kissed her back, trying to show her how much he loved her, moaning into her mouth.

“Lily,” he said, pulling away for breath.

“Marry me, Dr. Potter,” she said, her lips finding his once more.

He hesitated, torn between joy and guilt.

“There’s some nerve damage to this leg, Lily, we don’t know long-term what that will mean. You should wait, you mightn’t want to marry me if-“

“Like you’d care if our places were reversed, James Fleamont Potter!” she said indignantly. “I don’t give a toss! I was afraid I lost you forever, and I can’t do it without you.”

 “And the money is all gone, Lily,” he said, flushing slightly. “My parents’ fortune, it got used up when-“

“I know that, James,” Lily said. “Sirius told me months ago, he knew I wouldn’t care. Did you really think that it would make any difference to me?”

She really wanted to stamp her foot in frustration!

“But Lily,” James said, trying to reason with her. “I mean it, you-“

“If the worst comes to the worst, you’ll have a bad limp, James,” said Lily, shrugging her shoulders. “That’s all.”

“You could do a lot better,” said James, looking at her stubbornly. “I don’t want you to regret this.”

“I only regret that it took so many years for us to finally get together,” Lily sighed, holding his face in her hands. “But I don’t want to force you into something you don’t want. Do you want me?”

He couldn’t lie to her, not when she was so fierce, and strong, and vulnerable.

“God Yes, Lily. Yes, yes, it’s only you, till the very end,” he murmured, all his worries melting away, as he captured her lips once more.

”We’re going to be parents, you and I,” said James, sounding stunned. “I’ve always wanted to be a dad. I wanted to marry you since we became friends again. I must be the luckiest man alive.”

Lily looked at him, unable to walk, in his hospital gown, and thought of all the trauma he and his family had been through due to Riddle. Fresh tears ran down her face and she tried to laugh, holding him tightly. 

“I’m the lucky one, James, I’m so lucky.”

Just being near him made her feel whole.

“I’m asking Hagrid to walk me down the aisle,” she said, grinning at him when they broke apart for breath.

“Perfect! He’s been so good to us since this happened. I can’t believe he smuggled Fang into the ICU! I thought we were all going to get fired! He’ll be chuffed!” laughed James.

“You’re a patient James, the worst they can do is scold you!” giggled Lily. “And nobody would dare fire Hagrid, there’d be a national outcry!”

“Shall we ask Minnie to be Godmother?” she added, watching as James’ face glowed with elation.

 

…………………………

 

“I forced them to let you stay,” Sirius said.

He hadn’t stopped looking at Remus. Exhausted, pale, concerned, kind. Rock of his life. Beautiful as fuck Remus.

“Reg’s gone for a snooze, he’s exhausted,” Remus said, stroking his thumb along Sirius’ hand.

They continued staring at each other.

“I thought I lost you,” Remus said eventually.

His throat felt tight.

Sirius rolled his eyes and smiled. As though it were no big deal.

“Fuck you, Sirius! I thought you were dead!” said Remus, his voice cracking.

Sirius tried to laugh, and it turned into a cough.

“I’ll always come back to you, Remus,” he croaked. “Nothing could stop me.”

“Lazarus!” Remus said.

The fond look in his green eyes was making Sirius’ heart beat erratically.

“Yeah, well,” he muttered vaguely.

“You never said goodbye,” Remus said, annoyed at himself when he found he was crying.

“I couldn’t,” whispered Sirius.

“Fucking brave bastard!” said Remus. “Don’t you ever try that again!”

Sirius waved his wrist dismissively.

“It’ll take me ages to get better,” Sirius said, with his trademark sulky look. “And I’m a terrible patient. James has been charming them all and being damned positive. I’m going to be a miserable little shit.”

“Oh I’m sure,” Remus said, looking nonplussed. “I’m going to tell them to ignore you and whip you into shape. You need to be managed with a firm and stern grip.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up with a flash of something flirty.

“Don’t dangle unattainable pleasure at me, Remus, I won’t be well enough to shag you for bloody ages,” he said, sighing dramatically. “It’s unfair to bring it up!”

“Shagging?” smirked Remus. “You’re misreading the situation.”

“I sincerely hope I’m not,” said Sirius, his grey eyes looking almost wicked.

“Put shagging as one of your goals and I bet your rehab will make speedy progress,” said Remus casually.

“Ha! You think you’re being funny, but that’s exactly what I’m going to do,” said Sirius haughtily.

Remus reckoned Sirius might be the only person capable of pulling off haughty superiority while lying on a hospital bed in a hospital gown, having just woken up from a coma.

“I’ll be there for you all the way,” smiled Remus. “I’ve reduced my hours already, Lily and I will be working part-time. You’ll be sick of the sight of me.”

Sirius shut his eyes and a single tear ran down his gaunt cheek.

“I’ll never be sick of you,” he whispered. “I’m ridiculously obsessed with you, in case you didn’t know.”

“Fucking brave, ridiculously obsessed bastard,” said Remus, kissing Sirius’ hand.

It felt almost reverent.

“My epitaph,” said Sirius. “I want that inscribed on my gravestone!”

“No mention of death allowed,” said Remus, squeezing Sirius’ hand.

Sirius closed his eyes. He felt exhausted. He could feel sleep overtaking him. But he had to say something first.

“Remus,” he said sleepily. “How’d you fancy a double wedding with Prongs and Evans?”

He opened his left eye and peeked out at Remus, who looked momentarily stunned.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to it,” Remus said, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Quite the opposite, actually.”

“Good,” said Sirius, falling back onto the pillow. “That’s another goal so. Could you kiss me, please?”

Remus, leaned forwards and kissed Sirius’ lips carefully. He kissed his eyelids, and his forehead and his cheekbones and started kissing his neck. Sirius’ heart monitor beeped excitedly.

“I’m going to have to sleep now, very inconveniently,” murmured Sirius, holding Remus’ hand. “But when I wake up, I think we should practice, work towards my first goal?”

“Keen, are we?” Remus smirked.

“Rather,” said Sirius, sighing contentedly. “Everything is going to be fine, you know.”

As Remus looked on, he fell fast asleep. His face looked less pinched, his cheeks a rosier hue.

“I know,” said Remus.

And he meant it.

 

**THE END**

 

………………………………

 

 

*Subdural haematoma: collection of blood outside the brain

** Jeremie: Haiti’s westernmost and very isolated town

***Haitian Creole – language most widely spoken in Haiti (1 in 10 people also speak French) and French

  * My God, that’s him!
  * Yes it’s my brother, my family
  * The poor boy is hurt!
  * Yes, I have to go back, I have to see him.
  * So your name is Black?



 

**** Blaise: common Haitian surname

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely can't get over how bloody KIND and encouraging and brilliant you have all been!! Your support and comments have meant the world to me!!! I hope you liked that ending and I may do a follow up epilogue at some stage if anyone wants one... THANK YOU SO MUCH  
> Mia xx


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